I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Thursday, June 07, 2007

..............BEDLAM..............

Life as I once knew it is just a passing memory.
Where do I start?..With the painters..They came yesterday morning and said:"we're going to paint today..so take everything off your porch and move your truck so it doesn't get paint spray on it". So at 9am I bring in all my plants except for the ones on the walkway...all the chimes,the 2 little rattan tables, the indian basket,the 2 bags of birdseed,the 2 rugs,the little catch all chatchas, the broom, my clippers and assorted yard tools,etc etc etc..
Move the truck all the way to the other end of apartments and walk back..5pm..they leave..never having painted my apartment the fuckers..
I move the truck back and go watch my friend Inky and Anessa's son Devon play baseball. They win...15-5..it was cool..This morning, they come back to the apartment and tell me to move the truck again..I remind them that's what they said yesterday..she shrugs her shoulders..not realizing that I am an old lady who had little sleep the night before as 'little asshole' has(well maybe not, but he acted like it) found my old stash of meth and decided he wants to spend the entire night attacking my head, hands, feet and my eyelids during rem sleep..I must have tossed him out of the bed 8-10 times renaming him each time..from 'you little asshole, sonofabitch,little fucker, bastard, and you dirty
rottenmotherfuckingsonof

abitchingasshole',
all to Annie's amusement..she thinks it's
funny that the new arrival is not finding
his way into my heart..she still rules supreme..and to add
insult to injury..I am now popular...like I need that shit..(where the fuck where you during high
school?)Margaret and Mary come by and visit 3-4 times a day..Seems I am good entertainment for them..They could care less that I don't particularly like people and prefer my own company, besides the fact they seem to find the perfect time to visit during my soap operas..
...Babs and I have talked about this and we think the thing to do is make a sign that says:"watching Soap Operas..knock at your own risk."and hang it on my door..that's the nice version..my personal favorite is "don't fuck with me from 11pm-3pm"
Now don't get me wrong..I like Margaret and Mary
but I like them on my terms..actually that's how I feel about people in general..I sorta like people...if I go shopping..I will say howdy, smile and ask how your doing..I don't really give a shit and expect a 'fine..how about you'..answer..if you start telling me about your hemorrhoids, my eyes will glaze over and I will point to my cart which has a few cans of cat food, mutter, have to go..it's melting..and scoot off..But if I'm in the mood I will listen while you ramble on about the latest achievements of your grand kid(who I know just got out of Highway 6 jail)..smile and say "Bless his heart"..all the clerks in the stores like me cause I come in smiling and making jokes.When they ask me 'how's it going?'..I usually say:"body count is low"....or "for a little ole fat lady, I don't sweat much"...I like making people laugh..but don't want them coming to the house for 'comedy hour'...They don't realize the reason why I'm so happy is they amuse me..but not in my little abode..leave me the fuck alone.
is that wrong?..As if that mattered...I am like Popeye...I yam what I yam...
To top off my day..I wake up to find out they have released Paris(I've been down on everything but the Titanic)Hilton out of jail..is there no justice?...what a silly question...They should make her do 1,000 hours of community service at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen..or send her to my place for a life lesson she will never forget...PLUS:I am so sick and tired of eating tuna fish salads,ground turkey, fish, and chicken ...I find no humor in eating celery sticks,diet, bland, no taste fucking cookies..who's idea was that?...Judas Priest..
I eat oatmeal for breakfast..no more bacon and eggs...no sandwiches,no bread, no potatoes, no rice, pasta...no Dr.Pepper, no Blue Bell Ice cream(which is celebrating there 100th birthday and are having sales all over the place.)and no chips...no kolaches(living in a town with 5 bakeries and the smell of kolaches baking every morning is pure torture..)'nuttin'good...
The way I look at it...if one more person knocks on my door, or the Chinese poison one more food source, or Bush fucks up one more time....I can
not be held responsible for my actions..I have been known to listen to the voices...
fuckme I'll never smile again...

26 comments:

alan said...

A little peace can go a long ways sometimes; I hope someone gives you some!

alan

Beansidhe said...

Well ya make me smile.....a LOT!

I'd go for the "don't fuck with me" version of the sign. I feel the exact same way about people. They're fine when you're forced to mix with them, but to hell with having to put up with them in your own living space!

Babs said...

I told you... you'd better stop all this people person crap or you're going to explode. Sounds like you're already on your way.
I'm seeking shelter!!!
Run away! Run away! She's gonna blow!!!

yellowdog granny said...

alan:I'm hoping for a different spelling on the peace part...but thanks...
beany:yeah, babs said to be sure and put and this means you..even though you think it doesn't ..it does...you make me smile..and laugh out loud..

yellowdog granny said...

babs:............THAR SHE BLOWS....

kath said...

He wakes you because he hates his name.

Me too.

You go girl~!

Scottish Toodler said...

Rock on Jackiesue, keep givin em hell... Remember, one day you will go to that great Blue bell and Dublin Dr Pepper soda counter in the sky, and never will "fat free" anything have to touch your lips again... although, feel free to explode if it will get Bush and Rove out of office!

jan said...

I don't want to be the one to tell you that some Made in China chocolates have been recalled. So I won't.

You need to rename Little Asshole. He is just living up to his name.

High-Maintenance & Hostile Heidi said...

Yellowdog, start cluttering your apartment up with useless $hit like I've done...then no one will want to come over because they'll have to walk sideways through a little path from the front door to the living room!!! Or you could always just pretend you're not home. I've done that a few times...

I'm pi$$ed Paris got out of jail, too. I figured she'd find some way out of it. She'll be back to the same old crap in no time. Her five days in jail didn't teach her anything...

Nit Wit said...

But if you explode there will be green granny gobbits all over the place and they would have to repaint the whole apartment complex.
The reason the Little Asshole is being such an asshole is the word little. You know how guys are whenever you refer to them as little.

the rube said...

i can take of the little asshole but the chinese are another matter.

kath said...

clearly Jan and I agree, how about
Blue?
Bob?
Cutter?
Buzz?
Pete?
Jinx?

Anyway... how is the hand injury?

yellowdog granny said...

Kath;no he wakes me up because he's a little asshole..he was doing psycho crap long before I named him....
Toodler:if I do get to heaven or valhalla or where ever and there is no dr.pepper and blue bell ice cream..Im really going to be pissed.
Jan:oh goddess..they are poisoning chocolate too?...crapola
he acted like a little asshole..so he was named little asshole..
HMHH:hell it wasn't even 5 days it was 3...and thank the goddess, she's back in jail...ahahahahahahh!
I locked the door..pulled down the blinds and refused to answer the door when they came knocking this am...
Nitwit:ahhh, good thinking..I will just call him asshole now...could call him little prick..that would really piss him off...and kath and jan...snort*..green granny guts..cool!
the rube:trust me the asshole is as dangerous as the chinese..just cuter..
Kath:he's not blue..he's white,bob is my 1st xhusbands name, no thanks..cutter?...name him after a mesquito killer, I don't think so.
Buzz?..he's long haired..Pete,JInx?...nope nope nope..but he is an asshole..which is why he got the name asshole..
you need to get over it...aren't you the one that tried to get me to use *#$ instead of fuck?...you'd think you would have figured me out by now..I'm politically incorrect..get used to it.............huggs..

Junebugg said...

Shitty Kitty is the same way, maybe they're related? I'm with ya on the diet thang which is why I'm WAYYYYYYYYYY overdue on getting my bloodwork done, I know the Dr. is gonna blow a gasket when she sees the results. Damn woman, I missed ya. Gotta get my shit in gear and try to get online a little more often.

BTW: do what I do. Just lock the fucking door and refuse to answer the knock or the phone. I'm a bitch that way..........

yellowdog granny said...

junebugg:yeah...i did that yesterday...it worked..pissed them off..but it worked..

the rube said...

yeah but little assholes don't eat dogs. i've heard rumors that those other guys eat dogs.

texlahoma said...

We are a lot alike YDG. I feel about the same way you do about people. You would like my standard reply to "How are you?". It's "Pretty good, how are you doing?" and much like you, I hope for a short "Fine." So that I can just keep on walking.

apositivepessimist said...

Margaret and Mary sound like good Christian names don’t that…I’ve known [not in the biblical sense] a few Margaret Mary’s and they acted like they were the Devils own adopted children. No wonder I liked them.

I dunno why but I am hearing refrains of that song…”No I can’t smile without you I won’t [something maybe smile as well] without you…” was it Barry fucking Manilow?

WhuHuh?…no kolaches!

Matthew Didier said...

Remember: Signs are only for people who can read... which sadly, it seems most of the planet is illiterate.

You could always tell unwanted guests that you've changed religions and wish to talk to them for about four to seven hours about it... and tell them ALL about it... and when they giggle, start yacking... and DON'T stop. That should drive 'em away.

Pick something good and obscure that WON'T entertain them... like The Holy Church of the Righteous Tree Limb or something...

Either that, or with as straight a face as possible, tell them you have BAD diahrea and are currently "cooking up a home remedy" you found online and thought that THEY might like to try it out as it sounds like it should be delicious... though possibly a LITTLE toxic...

I dunno... one of those MIGHT work...

Hill said...

Girl, reading you is just about some of the best entertainment around!
:-)

yellowdog granny said...

rube:maybe the chinese will come get him for dinner..
Tex:yeah, people should realize that we really don't mean it when we ask how you are..I always figure if they ask me how I am and I say the body count is low..that means..don't fuck with me or the count will go up..
Apos:yeah, Mary and Margaret..what great names for people who are friends with a pagan...cracks me up.
Hill:ahh, my work here is done..hah

kath said...

yep

that was me.. the )(*&^%$^&*( instead of fuck... but not here....on ue..
anyway..

I am still ROFLMAO

I will try to get over it...

( sheldon?)

Josh said...

Sounds to me like you should unleash the cat on the painters.

How about "Pussy Galore?" Has that name been suggested yet?

Sebastien said...

You are so hilarious! I think being a misanthrope is pretty cool. I'm not a misanthrope but I think I should be. Paris Hilton is such a wonderful person, she almost made it out of jail after only 3 days... bless her little heart.

yellowdog granny said...

kath:sigh*
josh:no..but that's a great name...but afraid asshole has stuck...
sebastien:yah, too much mankind or womankind..makes my skin crawl..
poor paris...not...

Cheesemeister said...

I read "no more red meat" and began to shrivel. I guess I could live without red meat. But I've never been able to become a vegeterian. I'm too much of a carnivore.