I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

20 WAYS TO LIVE TO BE 100

1. Be positive..cheerful, optimistic people will live longer by 50%. I'm cheerful and optimistic...I gleefully make life as miserable as I can for all Evangelical Christians and Republicans as I can..figure that will add 20 years to my life right there.
2. Learn to manage your stress. Exercise, yoga or meditation or just eliminating the causes of stress.
I would but it's against the law to remove the president of the united states unless it's by impeachment. That should be good for 15 years right there.
3. Learn to say no. If it's going to stress you out, just say no..You can't make everyone happy, so concentrate on making yourself happy..It recommends doing this with out being a jerk..but doesn't say anything about being an asshole about it...so I usually say 'fuck no'...Works for me and makes me happy, relieves stress and will add another 10-15 years to my life.
4. Dance, sing. Anything that makes you feel euphoric, then do it..So light up Tex and Billy and dance yo' asses off..Sing along to the radio and shake your booty. Shake, shake, shake, shake your booty, shake your booty. I dance to the radio when I clean house and sing all the time, even when people tell me to shut the fuck up. So maybe 5 years here.
5.Be smart about what you eat and how much. Eat more fruits and vegetables and less red meat. So does that mean you start big?...Nope, start out by knocking off the word 'super-size' from your vocabulary. That'll work. I have to watch my diet being a diabetic, so that one probably evens out as I may eat better, but I'm still a diabetic. So deduct 10 years here.
6. Exercise. Try to do at least 20 minutes a day and do it regular. I consider getting up from my chair and walking over to the computer 10-15 times a day, plenty enough exercise for me. Deduct 10 years.

7. Exercise your brain. Solve puzzles, take classes, learn to play chess or bridge or learn to play an instrument. I have been working on one puzzle for almost 8 years. Why the fuck did anyone vote for Bush, and vote for the dumb sonsabitch...........twice...That's a real puzzle. Plus I do 3 puzzles a day and play games on line..That should be good for another 5 years.
8. Stay active. Get off that chair and off the couch. Go for a walk, go to the mall, work in the garden, mow your lawn. Well, I do a lot of walking at work..I work in the yard and don't have to mow, so think that one is still good for 5 years.
9. Stay connected. maintain a network of friends, be friendly with your neighbors. Isolation leads to depression. I stay connected with all my friends in town, as I see most of them all the time, as West is only 2,000 people. I stay connected to all of you on line in one way or another...but fuck the neighbors...hm, I would say that one is a push too...
10.Read a newspaper. I read the DAM news every day. I love my DAM news, and we have a new paper person and they have been delivering me a Waco paper too. It's crap, but I read it. So I should make 5 years on this one.
11. Quit smoking. I quit smoking 35 or so years ago. When Thom(6 years old) told me I was going to die and leave him an orphan and he was going to be adopted by a homosexual couple. Some guy had come out of the closet and he and his partner were trying to get custody of his son by his marriage. It was a big thing in the early 70's and was all over the news..Thom didn't even know what a homosexual couple was, but he knew they were trying to adopt a kid..and he used that to make me quit smoking. It worked..If I had known then what I know now about Thom I would have let them adopt him.
I should get 10 years for that.
12. Drink in moderation. A study shows that a glass of red wine or ale every day reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease. Well, don't tell that to an alcoholic, we'll have a great hear and a diseased liver by the weekend. Since I don't drink and haven't in 17 years I should consider this a push too..as I really did my share (and several other peoples share too) of drinking before I finally quit.
13. Get or stay thin. Thinner is better if you want to live to 100...I may have lost over 45 lbs. but I'm still a chunk of a woman. So...probably lose 10 years here. If I hadn't found out I was a diabetic, I'll be a chunk and a half...
14.Limit exposure to the sun. It will not only wrinkle your skin, it can cause skin cancer, and THAT WILL kill you.
I don't sit out in the sun and haven't in over 25 years. I am allergic to the sun.(MOJO is allergic to the cold) I can sit in sun for 30 minutes and will blister like a sonofabitch. Now I used to..when I lived in Hawaii I looked freaky. I had platinum blond hair and skin like George Hamilton. That should give me another 5 years.
15. Find a good doctor and get regular checkups. Preventive medicine is your best bet. Yeah, but if you don't have insurance it will interfere with trips to the Dr. Plus I'm still looking for a Dr. that looks like this.
So I think this should be a push for me too. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
16. Keep track of your medication. I keep mine in a pill box with mornings and nights on it..I have to keep up. So give me 5 years on that one, deduct 5 years as they are for diabetes, and it's a push again.
17.Dump the deadwood. Hang out with cheerful people, as grouches bring you down and yada, yada, depression.
I figured that out years ago..Life's too short to hang out with ass holes. Learned that after marrying 3 of them. Give me 20 years on that one...Deduct 10 because I married 3 assholes.
18. Get a pet. Pets keep you smiling and keep you active. Plus they're good company. I agree. Have had pets all my life so give me 20 years Goddess. Deduct 5 years for having the Asshole, as he was very stressful.
19. Learn how to use a computer. Duh!...Give me 10 years, I came to this late.
20. It's never too late. No matter how old you are, you can benefit from a healthier lifestyle. I am living proof of that. Smoked, drank, did drugs, had sex with a lot of guys and some assholes. I think I should get 20, deduct 10 for them assholes again.
so.....it's never too late...get off your asses, turn the radio on to an oldies but goodies station and shake, shake shake, shake your booty....shake your booty..
so I figured I'll live to maybe 110....if some Evangelical Republican asshole doesn't take me out first...fuckme till I'm at least 100..

24 comments:

sageweb said...

HA you are going to outlive me. You did a lot of math and I am going to lose 10 years for even thinking I was trying to keep track.

Nan said...

Learning to say No is probably the hardest one for a lot of people.

McRaven said...

Woody the gnome showed up today and he is as cute as a bugs ear! I am putting him with my willow tree.

I love the T-shirt!

Thank you my friend, thank you!

XOXOXOXOXO

Rainwolf said...

I'm good with 80, I'll be incontinent by then anyway.
You've been tagged.

tsduff said...

Thanks for the pep talk! Just taking those suggestions one at a time... one day at a time, maybe I'll do me a bit of good. Congrats on your 17 years. I had 17 years - then 4 years ago I decided to check it out again. I don't drive - I walk. Saves the DUIs. Still chewing on a name for the wee one - he is patiently waiting.

That Rude Girl said...
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That Rude Girl said...

Sorry...I had to clarify my previous statement.

This is a GREAT list! I especially love the part about you gleefully making life as miserable as you can for all Evangelical Christians (well, at least the born-again ones as I consider myself an Evangelical Christian) and Republicans. Go, Jackie Sue! May the Goddess live to be 100, although if McCain gets in, none of us might make it 10 more years.

Nit Wit said...

In my case number four is a trade off. If singing is good for me I have to balance that against the loss of life for the people who hear me, so I could be performing a public service which should make me feel better adding to my lifespan. On the good side however, the people who watch me dance will gain life because laughter is the best medicine. I still take 9 pills a day, some of which I take to protect my stomach from the others, and the one's I take to keep my immune system from eating my liver actually (With long term use)causes liver cancer which is harder to shake off than a cold.
I need to check out the young sexy female Doctor who started a practice a year ago. My Doctor looks like Ickabod Crane.
Thinking about this makes my melon throb and that can’t be good for me.

Big Tex said...

Hmmm...according to your list, I died 15 years ago. I guess that explains the smell in my apartment...

old enough to moan said...

...I would just like to say my good byes now then if that is alright with you.

Doralong said...

Well damn, this is making middle age look not so bad after all!

Anonymous said...

I, for one, don't want to live that long. I'm thinking 85 would be okay. With my stress levels lately, I will be lucky to make it to 40!
-Rox

unokhan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
unokhan said...

hmm, not sure about 'read a newspaper' -- the mainstream media ain't in the business of keeping anybody abreast of what is actually going on. and even if they were, sometimes knowing things can be burdensome. maybe #10 refers to the comix.

Jez said...

110 is a pretty damn good age. Provided you know you are alive.

yellowdog granny said...

sage:my luck i'll get a a+ on my check up at dr's and then walk out and get hit by a dr.pepper truck..
nan:i have never had any trouble saying no..usually it's fuckno..one word..
mcraven:your more than welcome. tsduff got her gnome too and has little home and a friend for him already..so?.his name is woody?....cute..figure the tshirt will be too big with your weight loss and new boobs but will make a great sleep shirt..
rainwolf:it may take me awhile to get to it..i have several posts already lined up to do..
tsduff:one day at a time..good way to live...like i said..i called him dude...
rudegirl:when people ask me if im born again, i say nope, i did it right the first time..ha
nitwit:well, i know you read alot, that's good, and you stay connected, and you read news on line. you have the lovely grandkids, so that will keep you young..you'll be around to be one of my pall bearers...
bigtex:hahahaahh, now that's funny...
oetm:you and tex must get together, you think alike...
doralong:im amost 65 and i like to think im middle aged..bwhahahahaha
rox:i want to live long enough to make people say, jeez, isn't that bitch EVER going to die?
unokhan:i read alot of the sports pages and metro to see what pols are arrested in dallas..
jez:i want to be able to still give them finger...

billy pilgrim said...

i think we're all born with an expiration date on our ass.

i'm having fun before i expire.

Allan said...

I need to borrow some more time.

Boy About Town LB said...

I want you to stay around forever so you can keep making me laugh. I should get a 10 years for that. Hell, so should you!

texlahoma said...

That new study says if you have quit smoking for that long, that your life expectancy is the same as a person that never smoked.

Ole Phat Stu said...

I'll be 100 this year :-)
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counting to base 8 ;-)

yellowdog granny said...

billypilgrim:my granddaughters have promised me that they will fix one of my hands into giving them finger, so i will at least get the last laugh..
allan:you can have some of mine..
boy:add ten to you 20 to me as i get such great enjoyment out of making people laugh...
tex:ya, so officially it's like i never smoked..good for me..ha
old phat stu:holy shit..you're older than dirt..

rebecca said...

Stress can really kick your ass. I worked in a really bad, inner city school (yeah, we have those here!) and the administration was really ineffective. My marriage was falling apart at the time, too -- and I had a new baby! I stayed stressed out over everything. I had the weirdest, most horriffic health problems during those 3 years. As soon as I quit my job, my health improved immensely! My doctor never considered how stress was playing into those problems -- my hair was falling out, I gained a lot of weight, I had digestive problems, I had joint aches that were so bad that sometimes I couldn't sleep... and most of the time, I couldn't sleep anyway! I was on all these drugs to treat all this stuff, and I really just needed to quit my job. Who knew? So yeah... the advice about being cheerful and managing stress is a biggie, but probably the hardest thing to do.

Jobkiller said...

I don't know what possessed me to eat the double cheeseburger yesterday but never again! A single provides more than enough indigestion.