I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Friday, November 28, 2008

FUCKME I'LL NEVER SHOP AGAIN


sob......whimper...arghghghghghghghgghh


Me and ole Merle went to the house of Satan for black Friday sales..I knew we were fucked when we drove up at 4:45 and there were no motherfucking parking places...none..we parked in Tokio and walked...we get inside and there are no motherfucking baskets..and the motherfucking sale hasn't even started yet..we wandered around looking for what we were there for..nothing like last year...last year I was in and out(even with the fat mother with the 8 screaming kids)in 15 minutes. Five A.M. came and it was like every movie you have ever seen when they open the doors and let the crowd in...they were fucking off....At 5:08 I lost Merle, I found him at 6 A.M. outside smoking a cigarette. I almost joined him. If there was a bar open I would have had a drink and talking him into sex. .....
Nah....
Merle got a 32" TV for $388 and a computer like I got last year for $398. I couldn't find anything at first..wanted a microwave for $25 but couldn't find it so got a DVD/VCR for $69, and got the sewing machine for $59. I found a apron pattern and was going to get some material but I started to have a panic attack and thought I had better get the fuck out of there, Merle or no Merle before I went Jackiesue on someone and beat them to death with my sewing machine. I grabbed a dozen cans of cat food for 'Maybe I'll eat it and maybe I won't Queen Annie' and a flat of eggs. Oh and a DVD for $2 of the March of the Penguins. They had more but spots were starting to dance in front of my eyes, my road kill sweat shirt was working, some asshole kept saying 'can I Have that TV' thinking he was being funny...After the 3rd time I said 'only if I get to rip your balls off afterwards'...His wife thought that was really funny. He didn't..He muttered something under his breath and I said "look asshole, I'm crazy and off my meds so don't fuck with me."..
I finally got all my shit through the line and went out side and that's where I found Merle, calm as could be..He said"that wasn't so bad.".....Where the fuck was he?...Didn't he see the 4,837 motherfucking people in that store?..All of them pushing or towing a basket full of motherfucking Hannah Montana shit?....It's 7:15 and I have to eat, read my paper, and get ready for work...I have had 2 hours sleep and I still want to kill somebody..I have a feeling my chipper 'good morning' is going to be replaced with 'what the fuck do YOU want'....First person that tries to return a item today is going to leave the store with the said item hanging out of their ass. oh...oh....oh...and to top it off...Just as I walk out the door to go get Merle.......it fucking starts to pour down rain, and rained all the way to Walmart. That should have been my first warning. Damn I want to go back to bed. fuckity fuck fuck fuck

30 comments:

MarmiteToasty said...

LMFAO... black Friday sounds like maybe the 'blackdeath' from centuries ago.....

Good job on the bargains though, I tend to steer clear of our January Sales over here, nowt is that important that I cant live without it, I dont do crowds to good and I usually end up thumping someone lmfao....

x

Intense Guy said...

That warm post-Dallas Cowboy's win induced glow in your heart didn't last long huh?

I just have to be glad you don't work for the US Post Office - you'd of shot up the place by now!

:)

yellowdog granny said...

toasty:the sales were great, but i hope someone remembers what i went thru this year and remind me of it next year when i blithly say'im going to walmart on black friday'..so there will be no repeat of this day.
intenseguy;i will admit, that for all the shoving, pushing and crowded aisles eveyone was so polite..excuse me, im sorry, pardon me. it was so .....texan of them...i loved that part of it..but 4,000+ people in a room all pushing carts doesn't matter if they're polite or not..i just fucking wanted to go home.

Roxrocks said...

OMG...I'd rather pay high prices than deal with that shit! I'll save you next year Jackie. I won't let you make the same mistake again!

Anonymous said...

Um...perhaps shopping isn't your sport?

Regality (darned openID still won't work for me!)

Nit Wit said...

Sheep to the slaughter. Bless their little hearts. :P

Ted said...

The weather was perfect here this morning, my bank account, not so much, so I decided to give it a miss and go out after the morning's insanity subsides.
Tried that shit once. Yeah, the bargains were somewhat worth it, but supressing the urge to beat the living fuck out of&/kill the line-jumping wetbacks that cut infront of everybody at Menards was an experience I didn't want to repeat.
Hope getting hammered and happy the night before was somewhat of a pre-consolation.

la pequena retardo said...

HILARIOUS!!! I laughed all the way through this. OMG, I can't believe you joined those throngs of people out before the sun even came up! But based on your description, I think it would have been fun to shop with you. Get your rest now JS, before you go all Jackiesue on an innocent, unsuspecting bystander.

Maine Gay said...

God bless you, woman. There was no way I was getting up to deal with that.

Especially after the Cowboys beat my Seahawks yesterday.

Just sayin...

Elizabeth said...

That was the best laugh I've had all week! I swear granny, Slate.com should hire you to write a weekly column for adults only. I would have read the whole thing out loud to my husband except there were to many F-bombs to bleep and the kids were around.

I slept in. Ahhhhhh. I'll remind you next year.

jan said...

Funniest shopping story ever. I dread to think of your state of mind if the Cowboys had lost. Murder...mayhem would have followed you.

yellowdog granny said...

I'm counting on you rox to remind me...'beware the ides of november.'
regality:ya think?
nitwit:baaaaa, fuck!
ted:this old lady doesn't get hammered any more...jeez, can you imagine what it would have been like if i had a hang over?...holy shit!
retardo:im heading off for a nap right after i comment..i feel like hammered shit.got a new hair cut and hate it..sorta..you can go shopping with me anytime...wouldn't THAT be a hoot..
maineguy:oh man...your poor seahawks.they really got it handed to them yesterday...but at 2-9, we weren't the first.sorry..
elizabeth:if i didnt set off the fbombs, I would have exploded..
no mas..no next year..unless lap tops are on sale.
jan:oh my goddess, can you imagine what would have happened if the boys HAD lost?..blood would have been shed..im glad everyone liked the recounting of my shopping trip.

mrsb said...

And THAT is why I am still at home in my pajamas.

buddha_girl said...

Honest. I hear you loud and clear here, sister.

I almost went batshit on several people today. Had Buddha NOT been with me, I would likely be rotting in a local jail cell waiting for Husband Guy to post bail.

People are CRAZY. I didn't venture into HellMart today. I swore a few weeks ago that I'd never go back. So far, I've kept my word even though it IS much more expensive to feed my family on food bought elsewhere. So be it.

sageweb said...

You are one brave woman for even attempting to go out shopping today.

billy pilgrim said...

am i reading this right, you got a sewing machine with a built in dvd and vcr?

i knew the chinese were clever but not that clever.

yellowdog granny said...

mrsb:no more for me..I'm still not recovered from it.
buddhagirl:house of satan makes me crazy.but i like my 2 bargains. going to start making aprons..and clothes pin bags...2 things we get calls for all the time and no one in town has them..and have a bunch of movies I want to see and my dvd/vcr had ate it..im so excited about my sewing machine. im fucking martha stewart.
sgae:brave? more like stupid..ha
billy:yup..can watch movies and sew at the same time..now if it only had a vibrator attachment..

Sling said...

I heard first thing this morning that one man got trampled to death,and two people were shot while shopping at Mall-Wart..My first thought was,'Oh no!..Jackie Sue must have gone shopping!'..

Christie said...

I'm glad you survived to tell the story, seems like others didn't. I had thought about joining that crowd before, but after all this news think I'll pass. There is no crap out there that I need that bad.

Ted said...

Up side is, you didn't end up like that poor bastard at the Long Island House of Satan that got trampled to death by opening the fuckin' door to let 'em in!

Willym said...

Okay my stomach is sore from laughing - do you think you could run out to the store and .... ah never mind!

Myself I think I'll stick to catalogue shopping.

Nan said...

Well, at least you got out alive. Apparently somewhere else in the country a Walmart worker was trampled to death by the mob of shoppers pushing into the store.

texlahoma said...

Glad you survived it mighty hunter!
Get some well deserved rest now.

LostInColor said...

OMG! Between your post, and Sling's comment! I am laughing so hard!

Josh said...

I broke my cardinal rule about Black Friday and went out yesterday--but at a reasonable hour, w/ guy in tow. Did a little good, but there's still so much more to do...

Nit Wit said...

By the way I didn't go back to check but I seem to remember a great shopping story last year ending with the words Never Again.
I may just be thinking of my nightmares though.

rainywalker said...

It could have been worse, you survived. They should give out awards to those who make it back to the parking lot with at least one shot left in the 9mm.

Allan said...

You expected sanity?

That Rude Girl said...

Glad to hear you didn't get trampled like the poor temp in New York.

Charlene said...

I can't wait to read November 2009 to see if you did this again. I stopped shopping on black Friday in 1976 after waiting in traffic for 4 hours. I'd advise against it but I sure would hate to miss your story about your black Friday experience!

btw I NEVER go to Wal-Mart and there's a "super" one within a half mile of me. I don't even buy their stuff online. Hate that place.