I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Sunday, January 04, 2009

DAMN NEWS



I love my DAM News. For you new folk...DAM News is my version of Dallas Morning News..I haven't been getting it delivered to my front porch like I'm used to so I have been making obscene phone calls to the dispatcher. That'll teach them to randomly give out phone numbers. I told him when I opened up my door I wanted to find my paper on the porch and if it wasn't it made my day start our with an "ah fuck", and that was not the way I wanted to start my day. I told him I wasn't going to scream about how I was going to cancel my paper if they didn't start delivering it like they're supposed to as everyone knows I love my paper to much to do that. But there wasn't any thing stopping me from making his life as miserable as possible and trust me, I have made it my life's work to fuck with people on a daily basis and I wouldn't mind adding him to my list. So far it's been 5 days and my paper is right there on my porch every morning. Sometimes being an asshole is the high light of my day. That plus the peanut butter cookies I made for Babs. Oh man..they are so good. I ate one and sat down on the kitchen floor and wept, knowing that was the only one I could have..fuckity fuck fuck fuck..I have got to lose 40 more pounds so I can control my diabetes better. I'm not having any trouble controlling the diabetes, it's the controlling the urge to eat the cookies I keep baking that I'm having trouble with. Sort of like when I drank. After I quit people would say I didn't think you had a problem drinking...and I would reply....I didn't have a problem drinking...the problem was the stopping part I couldn't seem to get a handle on...Jeez, what's the deal? I gave up cigarettes with no problem, I quit drinking with no problem and quit fucking with absolutely noooooo problem, but carbs?..Cookies are like crack. I want pasta so bad I could beat the crap out of Chef Boyardee for a handful of warm 'skgetty'...Oh...and rice...man do I miss rice. If you read in the paper about a fat woman robbing all the sticky rice from Shogun's Japanese Restaurant on Waco Dr. in Waco, TX. You'll know it was this little fat woman. It's the weirdest thing....I have about a dozen peanut butter cookies in a tin for the guys at work..and I swear I can hear them fuckers calling my name..Is it true if you eat cookies in the dark you won't get carbs from them as they can't find they're way in the dark?...just a thought..
Remember when I was bragging about our 80 degree weather?
The Goddess must have been listening (we all know how she feels about talking about the weather) because we had a REAL cold front come in and the high to day was in the mid 40's and high tomorrow is 38...That'll teach me to rub it in on all you snow bound folks...Hope we get some rain out of it.
Remember after Thanksgiving I went to the House of Satan on Black Friday?...bought a new vcr/dvd?....Well, I can't figure out how to get the fucker to work...I read the destruction's and nothing...So I figured out I need someone with balls. I mentioned that to Babs in an email and when I called to tell her I was bring cookies over, she answered the phone "I don't have any balls."...I'm going to call David O. and promise him a blow job. That's what I always promise him when he does those things that it takes balls to do. He always laughs and says "yeah, right"...
I'm pissed ...the Eagles beat the Vikings...That's enough to piss off the Pope. Congratulations Anne, your team won. Now to figure out who they play next week...I ended up the season with 159-89-8 and so far I'm not doing so good during the play offs...good thing I didn't bet any money. You never know what's going to happen during play offs. I know I know...most of you don't give a shit about football, but I do...
Ok...I'm out of here..I'm going to make sure those cookies aren't smothering to death in that tin...fuckme I'll never bake cookies again.
Well hell!...I got to rambling and forgot to tell you about what I read in my DAM News....I'm such a dufus. Anyhow..I read this quote from former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and all I could think of was I didn't know how he could cross his legs his balls are so big."I consider myself a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror.".saying he was victimized by his enemies....(He once approved harsh interrogation tactics against terror suspects.) Yeah, you know what you asshole? No one strapped you to an ironing board and wrapped your head in a towel and poured water on your face till you thought you were going to drown. No one hooked a battery to your nuts and gave you a few thousand volts till you named your favorite Aunt Louise as a enemy combatant. Now if anyone needs to be bipped ..it's that asshole...
ok...I'm done.

16 comments:

Lilly's Life said...

OH MY GOD, I wish I lived near you. How hilarious you are. You could give me lessons.

Um, if you read my latest post I called a policeman a fucking dickhead yesterday except I didnt know he was a policeman at the time. Long story. Hope you get to read your news soon.

rainywalker said...

I used to get a newspaper at the house but they never could find it. So I get one downtown a few days a week.

billy pilgrim said...

i'm totally pissed over the eagles beating the vikings too.

maybe the cowboys can hire the viking's special teams coach :)

yellowdog granny said...

lily:well, most cops are fucking dick heads...i admire your mouth..
rainy:I have been taking the paper for 16 years ..you'd think they could find me by now.
billy:i thought you didn't care about football?...ha!...
well, at least the cowboys did fire our special teams coach like i said they should...im waiting to see if they fire the other ones i think should be fired..

Willym said...

I stopped taking a newspaper when Pogo left the Okefenokee. Can't say I've missed much since then.

And you lady are frankly more fascinating and entertaining than any newspaper - we got humour, politics, sports, health, business, violence (inferred)and local events all in one article. Who could ask for anything more.

Cheesemeister said...

I don't control the urge to eat the cookies I'm baking very well either. Have you ever seen that stupid fucking ad for that chocolate cereal, where the woman is baking a cake and she has the urge to lick the bowl, but instead she has the cereal? Like hell that damn cereal is a substitute for the flavor of cake batter. And why the hell are you baking a cake if you aren't going to enjoy it? Grrr! There are few ads I hate more than that, but the one that's the absolute worst is the one for Always pads. "Have a happy period--always!" Try "there is no such thing as a happy period, Asshole!"
BTW, I don't even have PMS. The train of thought went from cookies to stupid ads about cereal to ignorant statements about "happy periods." Just goes to show I can be a bitch even without PMS!

Kulkuri said...

I heard somewhere that if the cookies are broken the calories and/or carbs leak out.

As for Abu Gonzo, maybe karma will catch up with him and he will enjoy a long vacation in a 6X8 cell with Bubba or LeRoy.

Roxrocks said...

Fucking Bloglines! Jackie, I'm at least five posts behind in your blog. Pardon me if I don't comment on all your posts, but know I'll be reading!

Happy New Year! 14 more sleeps until the Ultimate Retard is out of office! WOOHOO!

Can you make the cookies with Splenda?

Roxrocks said...

Fucking Bloglines! Jackie, I'm at least five posts behind in your blog. Pardon me if I don't comment on all your posts, but know I'll be reading!

Happy New Year! 14 more sleeps until the Ultimate Retard is out of office! WOOHOO!

Can you make the cookies with Splenda?

sageweb said...

I was a papergirl when I was little and I had to put the paper on the porches, nowadays they drive buy to fast they barely able to throw it in my driveway.

Oh the cookies sound fantastic! I am craving some now.

jan said...

This is my favorite football weekend. And...in the middle of the Vikings-Eagles game the cable channel went out. Only the bottom three channels. How I hate Charter. Have you ever seen what else is on Sunday if there isn't football??

Allan said...

They still print newspapers?

Ghost Dansing said...

alberto gonzales is an idiot and i don't even like him either...... stand by your man alberto.....

That Rude Girl said...

I've done the same thing when my Sunday paper didn't come. Well, I only called once...but you know what I mean.

The Vikings are hopeless. Plus, they want $600+ million for a new outdoor stadium when they can't even fill the indoor one when it's -3 out!

yellowdog granny said...

willym:i like rover and red ..
i llike being an all service blog..ha..
cheesey:yeah, i think that is so dumb..no one in their right mind will trade a lick froma chocolate bowl for a bowl of cereal..what a rip.
kulkuri;now that's a good idea..crumbley cookies..very good
roxanabanana;yeah you can use splenda..but it sucks.
sage: ive made chocolate chip, oatmeal rasin and peanut butter cookie..i think the chocolate chip were the best..I'll have to make some and send them to you.haha I just found your package i was supposed to mail out..under a bunch of crap on the dining room table..
jan:there is nothing on tv right now..even with the football games.
allan:yeah, but soon they will be a thing of the past.thanks internet.
ghost:what a weird video...and who told them folks they could sing?
rudegirl:i complain about everything..makes me happy complaining does..ha

Ted said...

Too bad the freaking Earth can't just open up under his feet and make A-Gonz disappear with a great big crunch.