I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

SOONER TALES

SOONER TALES
"I attempt sarcasm and nothing is sacred, so if I offend your religion, your sexual orientation or your political beliefs, then I have done my job. But in no way is this directed at anyone in particular and these are just opinions. So read at your own discretion. Jackiesue is gracious enough to let me infect her blog, blame her ass, dammit." (leave all complaints with me..js)
Sooner
Phelps gets a head rush, Tony the Tiger shits his pants

It is my duty to touch base on the Michael Phelps saga, a saga that along with much of the other crap that is force fed to us lemmings by the media is not really a story, but a learning experience for the young man.
Now, we all know what this kid has done in the pool, he is a freak of nature. Long waisted, long armed, and a swimming machine. I have personally never been captivated by an athlete such as Phelps before I witnessed what he did in China. The world at his feet, all he has ever known is training and work.
He will fuck up many more times in his life, it is just a shame that it will be magnified until the day he "shits the bed". Kellogg's has dropped his endorsement, so you can eat your frosted flakes without his image on the box. How about they just throw a pair of big tits up on that box. I bet they would sell some product then, by gawd. And by the way, now he does not endorse sugar, calories or fat. I can see all those fat kids sighing in relief.
It is rumored that when he was born that he shot out of his mother's womb like a Nolan Ryan fastball, luckily the doctor had a catcher's mitt and had played Class A minor league ball. At 10, he was banned from swimming at the YMCA due to a large number of hit an
d run accidents at his local pool, at 16 he swam to work, school and home on GROUND AND PAVEMENT, ... in order to do his homework, watch film of his technique and eat 6.7 lbs. of food. This dude can grub, I bet the Charmin company will be his next sponsor, because that grub has GOT to go somewhere. Probably eats more than some third world countries, a virtual wood chipper in the kitchen.
Now he goes to a South Carolina party, and some asshole takes a pic of him taking a bong hit. (said asshole should have his ass kicked.js)
He is 23, and he has only known work, training and the pool, and competition.
1. Did he commit murder?
2. Will it ch
ange how I feel about Ann Coulter?
3. Will time stop and somehow we all will be hung on the image of his toke for eternity?
4. Will his babies be born naked and will they be cannonballs as well?
5. What would Obama do?

NO, FUCK NO, NO, YES, AND JOIN HIM. " ie:Bill Clinton"
If this is our news, along with the earth shattering "Jessica Simpson has a fat ass!" "Romo is silent!" debacle, then we are what a friend of mine coined so eloquently as being "FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN!" He created this gem while swaying naked blind-drunk on a rock up about 9000 ft. in Colorado,... thus, fuck of the mountain.
Have fun, get laid, enjoy fame, retire, swim, just please do what YOU want to do, not what is EXPECTED, seal boy. Fuck em' and feed em' fish-heads, if it hair lips the governor.
Just don't do a "Snuggie" commercial.
New Prez

I like Obama, I am sure that he is hung like a pack mule, which is impressive yet not
rewarding to me in my current state of affairs. (that is Laura Bush and Condalizza Rice checking out Obama's package.js)I think he has our best interests at heart, but it will be difficult for him to undo what G-Dub and Cheney shat on our country. I am sad, because I do not now have any cool stuff to talk about as far as Cheney goes, now he can blow off heads with shotguns in complete privacy. He was the best provider of my material because he was and is so violent and insane. And powerful. Darth Cheney, and now he can water board the shit out of anything that moves wherever he sets up his "Bird Hunting Refuge".
Obama seems to be trying to do something, but I have a stimulus plan that could possibly work as well. why not take the 900 billion and do this:
1. Give the tax payers in our 50 states 25%. Money means stimulus.
2. Take 25% and invest in alternative fuel research, and force the big 3 automakers to lose unions.
3. Stop buying shit from other countries, give 25% to businesses in government contracts (state, local, federal level infrastructure) and hiring initiative.
4. Save 25% in case this shit don't work.
Fuck welfare recipients, fuck immigrants and their benefits, and fuck Wall Street and executives as a whole. Of course I am ignorant of red tape and lobbying and politics, but if we tax payers have THE OPPORTUNITY for cash or credit, then WE WILL SPEND MONEY, if it is not jacked up to 19% interest by banks or credit card companies or other lending institutions.
Perhaps Obama will turn it around, but our times are increasingly getting difficult. I am thinking more about this and I can see "3 Meter Platform Dumpster Diving" becoming an Olympic sport in the near future. Perhaps " Synchronised Penny Rolling" and "4x100 Aluminum Can Gathering Relay" will be contests as well. Unfortunately "homeless stomping" is a sport that could become more prevalent in our economy, I just hope it doesn't catch on in Ireland where they got those River dance people. Holy dog shit, now that would sell some Broadway tickets.
How about letting the thousands of tax payers that lost their life savings in the Wall Street scams getting a shot at the cocksuckers that stole their future in the octagon,... no rules, no time limit, just mixed martial arts fine tuned to merciless beat downs. With current world champions to get the highest executives on prime time television, with Cheney referee, (hell he would get a hard on)...now this would garnish some ratings.
SOME THINGS THAT DISTURB ME
1. Red Carpet events, for any reason are like little parades of designer bullshit that are dissected like they actually influence anything that the normal American cares about. Do you think Joe Bunghole of Possum Holler gives a flying fuck about how fat Oprah's ass looks in her Armani wrap? Let's just ask him:

"Joe, what do you think?"
"I think that bitch will field dress at around 300, gutted and de-hooved." sez Joe.
Well, there ya go.

2. The fascination with Snuggies. Go buy a bathrobe, turn the fucker around and you are "shittin' in tall cotton". Hell, sew four of them together and go to a football game with your family. But I swear, if I see you in the stands, I will make you wish that you had never left your house. Snuggies and CRYING are not allowed in football venues. (see future reference of crying in football/Terrell "GREAT SATAN" Owens).
3. The Old Wrinkled Six Flags Dude. How would you like to be chained to this fucker 24/7, with the Techno shit blaring from Marshall stack amplifiers? Dancing and bounc
ing like he is cranked out to the max. Hell, THAT'S WHY HE IS SO OLD LOOKING! He's a meth freak that is making a fortune, but he makes me want to either:
A. Drive a #9 pencil into my ear with a ball-peen hammer.
B. Empty both barrels of a 12 gauge shot gun on his knees.
Oddly enough I can see him chained to Jerry "Skeletor" Jones next season, just for shits and giggles.
Which brings me to something I absolutely dread, and yet look forward to at the same time. The next time I post on this blog it will address the Dallas Cowboys. I have a lawyer on retainer, so fuck it.

SOONER BORN AND SOONER BRED, AND WHEN I DIE I'M SOONER DEAD

21 comments:

Sling said...

Michael Phelps didn't get to be the world's greatest athlete eatin' corn flakes,I'll tell ya that!
The talking heads got it all ass-backwards..He's the best argument FOR smoking weed we've ever had!
..I wanna be like Mike.

sageweb said...

You are so right about the Michael Phelps thing...they really should be making a spectacle of the ass hole that took the picture. He is the biggest jerk. Kellogs can suck my big toe.

billy pilgrim said...

phelps is welcome to move to canada.

he could replace our whole olympic team.

McRaven said...

Well written, well said!

Big Pissy said...

Yep! What McRaven said! :)

Good Christian Woman said...

As a good Christian woman, I think what that boy did with those drugs was sickening and sends a terrible message to the little children of this country who look up to him. The Lord took Kelloggs away from him. He should consider himself lucky that he hasn't lost more!

Ted said...

*hits MUTE and LOCK buttons long enough to finish rolling on the floor, pissing his pants and laughing his motherfucking ass off, takes MUTE off LOCK and steps to mic*
Sooner in Buzzard flats...*pauses to catch breath, wipe away tears*
THAT'S how it's done, folks.
Awesome take!
Rack 'im.

Anonymous said...

Sooner here,
Thank each and every one of you for your comments on my miniscule rant.

Sling, I will smoke one in your and his honor as soon as I hit "publish this comment", my freind.

Sageweb, it was a feeble corporate reaction,and it will most likely backfire on them with the poor P.R. it will generate. The Public loves Mike, he is a legend, and a big goofy kid.

Billy, I am sure he will swim across Canada to smoke weed and wear the maple leaf, just to win gold medals for two countries.

McRaven and Big Pissy(I love that name), thank each of you for your comments. I got a lot to unload. And, nice to meet each of you.

G.C.W, I will introduce you to Okie foreplay. "Get in the truck, bitch." Lol, thanks B.Y.G.!!

Ted, I haven't even gotten around to stuff that really riles me up, or things involving monkeys, guns, chicks, fire trucks and donkeys. Ask J.S., SHE KNOWS WHAT A SICK FUCKER I IS.

yellowdog granny said...

yes folks..he is a sick fucker...but he's MY sick fucker..a friendship I take great pride in.Even if he is a Okie..

Ted said...

Amen, Sling...The "24-hour news" talking heads ain't got nothing to bitch about or anyone to put down, so they run on MP because some little maggot-prick with a phone-cam tried to fuck up his life. Fish-hacks make all they can of it, because that's their business.

I'd rather scrub shitters or work stockyards any day than make my living from personal destruction!

Lilly's Life said...

Oh my this was so so true. Sad thing is the person who sold the photo got hundreds of thousands for it. Everyone famous is a commodity to sell and thats the way they have to see themselves. Targets. Hey Yellowdog Granny, you and Sooner should do some kind of joint post, I dunno but you are both similar in your writing. Pick a topic and both write about it on the one post.

Anyway, I dont know how long it took you to write it but it was fucking clever, so clever! Thanks heaps.

Ted said...

Yeah Lilly. Freaking phat jack, when he shoulda' got an ass-whuppin' instead!
Wor the mighty MP making a comeback 10 golds next time around.
Wor "shooter Dick" checking out in a "hunting accident"!
Wor Da Big O finding and pulling the silver bullet for this economic monster out of...Well, you get the picture.
Out!

Anonymous said...

Thanks again Ted for your comments,and you too Lilly, for your take on it.

The truly twisted part is the Sheriff that has made all the arrests that engaged Gestapo questioning of said 8 criminals (kids)for verification of Phelps involvement of the horrific weed smoking, and not who actually sold it to them. This shithook is going after Phelps.

Get a fucking life you One-Bullet-Barney acting dickhead.

And "Hi, my udder mudder"

Raspootin said...

"Fuck of the Mountain"

A better phrase never spoken!

I am in complete agreement with you!

anythingbutsad said...

If Phelps had a sense of humor, he'd leak a nude photo of himself with just a bong covering his manhood.....

Green tea said...

The kid is 19, or he wouldn't have been so trusting..now I never tried the
stuff, but I'm sure all of my kids and older g kids have.
There sure is a lot more important things in this world to report on.
Tonight I wish all those lamebrains
would watch Diane Sawyers special.

Josh said...

Yeah, I'd say that Laura Bush is definitely checking out Barack's package in that picture, but I suspect Condi is checking out Michelle instead.

Cheesemeister said...

John Harvey Kellogg, the creator of Kellogg's cereal, was an avid crusader against the unwholesome practice of masturbation. Read all about it here. http://www.ibiblio.org/pub/electronic-publications/stay-free/10/graham.htm
I bet if Michael Phelps had been caught swigging back a bottle of bourbon, his endorsements would have beeen just fine. But pot? We can't have that! Not like its really any worse than booze, but it's been listed as a Schedule IV narcotic for ages and we can't go re-evaluating stupid decisions, now can we?

just me said...

I don't give a fuck personally if Micheal Phelps is the go-to man for killer weed! He is still an excellent athelete and an Olympic Gold medal winner. To me, its nice to know he's human...

Well, I love Obama and hate Repulikans, so I'm blaming them for all of the shit going on right now. There all a bunch of long-winded bastards as far as I'm concerned...

Red Carpet? This ain't the thirties where to take their mind off of being broke, people flock to Hollywood premiers. I don't care what ugly ass dress anybody wheres, but I must confess I do love Mickey Rourke.

Wow, I guess I had a lot on my chest...excellent post btw.

texlahoma said...

Well, I decided to either boycott weed or cornflakes...sorry Kellogs.

Anonymous said...

Sooner here
once again I thank all of you for your comments.

Nice to meet ya Raspootin, that is one cool handle. I am currently fuck of the molehill here in my neck of the woods.

Anythingbutsad, nice to meet you as well. And it could possibly be snug fit in that bong, or yet it could be a poker for the bowl.

Thanks Green Tea, he is really just a kid that messed up, we should worry about the other problems in the world, this is just a "bad day at work" in the great scheme of things.

Hi Josh, I didn't know Condi was... perhaps this could lead to a scandal involving a dress and stains...lol, thanks.

Sir Cheesemeister, thanks and "LORD FORBID he besmirch the hallowed Kellog name by one party foul (fuckit, smoke til your dick falls off) and ...do you really think there are thousands of children that will lose sleep over this "fart in a whirlwind?" lol..

Just me, it's theraputic sometimes to let off a lot of steam, Lord knows we have plenty of reason with all of the shit that is ill with our world. Thanks so much.

Tex, that was a given. And you are doing my sheep on the side, let's have a duel with bongs and beer. The winner gets Daisybell, the loser gets high and drunk and still gets to see Daisybell...you know what, Daisy is a whore.

lol..