I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Friday, April 10, 2009

SOONER TALES PART 3

yupper, he's back...and his ass is on fire...not because he's HOT, but because parts of Oklahoma are on fire..Although he is single and pretty hot for an Okie..so in case any of you single ladies are interested..and he did come into some big bucks around the first of the year.. so..without further ado..heeeeere's
SOONER.....


SOONER TALES


BRAIN SAP
I recently had the pleasure of buying a house due to an unusual gift of good luck. On Dec. 25'th 2007, I entered the "Lucky Case" game on the show "Deal or No Deal" and won $100,000.00.....my life has changed sooo much, I have bought a new vehicle, a house and am basically ready for the holocaust that will eventually come to be, and I thank the gods, goddesses and Howie Mande
l and Endemol Studios for this gift of binge drinking and debauchery.
In the process of moving-in approx. in September, I purchased 2 new king sized pillows for my bed.
Today I have verified a disturbing phenomena that is alarming.
I washed my pillow cases for about the 20'th time and it is growing, evolving ...into
a sentient pillow. It is absorbing my brain sap, and becoming a " Brundle Pillow" as in 'The Fly.'
My brain is dripping sap when I sleep. Brain Sap.
It is emerging from my pillows and it sorta looks like modern art in a fetid way.
It is a color of nicotine and snot, and with horror I now realize that something has snapped deep inside my "headgear", I can only pray that it is not I.Q. Liquid seeping out of my skull. I am thinking more of a nicotine, (things we cannot (HERBAL MEDICINE) say on the web) mix that is leaking out of my head cavities sue to massive amounts of beer swilling.
Yeah, that's what it is...so, do tumors leak?
For quite a while I have been nothing more than beer and bones, just give me a cold beer and tie a pork chop around my neck and I'm good for 10 minutes. Hell, the dogs will even play with me. Then I will need another beer. Low maintenance.
I will conduct further research on this brain sap phenomena and you will be informed accordingly.
CHOKELAHOMA
CHOKE 1
I write about this only because of the double edged sword this word has become.
First off, it is way past time for me address an issue about my beloved OU Sooners.
If they are playing in a big game and
it is elimination or a National Championship is on the line, we will most likely lose. But we annoyingly keep fucking trying and trying and it is given that it is something we Okies take for granted, the mere fact that we occasionally HAVE the opportunity to contend for these championships is a blessing, the curse is generally the outcome.
I have so enjoyed the last year in sports, with all of the individual honors and achievements garnished by the big 3 athletes, Blake Griffin, Sam Bradford and Courtney Paris, arguably the best in their respective college sports.
BUT, with that being said, about 2 days before a HUGE game involving the Sooners, I start getting a bad vibe about the whole situation, much like when the white college kids from Animal House walked into the black bar in the movie, ........"Bad things man, bad things." so eloquently stated by Dennis Hopper in the old NIKE commercials.
But, I would not be a true fan if I cast them into a pit of starving dogs like Conan, NO!!!....I choose to EMBRACE the misery, because I know deep in my nicotine encased heart sack that eventually we will win one, most likely the day after I die.
CHOKE 2
We are on fire here,.... please do not throw out a cigarette if you are driving through Oklahoma.... it is basically the same thing as Napalming our asses to the fucking stone age,... because fuckers are too lazy to dump their ashtrays and quite frankly do not give flying shit about our property.
We are still burning, and 147 houses have been lost so far, it is scary dry here, our one National Park where water ALWAYS flows is dry due to the low water table, more ominous signs. Sustained winds from 50 to 70 m.p.h., one spark and your lil world becomes a fire pillar.
Move to Oklahoma, where tornadoes, drought , ice storms and raining mud await.
Yesterday we had FIRE TORNADOES.
It just don't get much bettern' this.
I am eagerly awaiting the locusts, rivers of blood and the Antichrist, shit we are Okies, we will adapt.
THE SHAMWOW DUDE
Vince Shlomi (born April 25, 1964 in
Israel), also known as Vince Offer, is a writer, director, and comedian best known as the owner and pitchman of two sold-on-TV products: ShamWow! absorbent towels and the Slap Chop food chopper.
In February 2009,
Billy Mays publicly challenged Offer to a "pitch off" between their respective products. Popular Mechanics compared the absorbency of two towel products and declared Shamwow the clear winner.
Arrest
On February 7, 2009, Offer was arrested in
Miami Beach, Florida on a charge of felony battery after an altercation with a 26-year-old prostitute. Offer, who appears in police reports under his real name Vince Shlomi, contended that he struck the prostitute when she "bit his tongue and would not let go". Prosecutors later declined to file formal charges against either individual. Since that incident, Vince Offer was lampooned on an episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live.
I can't help but like this dude, he is an intense sumbitch. I can only assume that after he SLAP-CHOPPED that chick,.. that he offered to sell her a Shamwow to clean up the blood, thus the backlash. Although I do not condone this type of behaviour, it is noteworthy of it's "Trailer-Park Glory", and so you are hereby advised of his salesmanship and tenacity.
It is only destiny that he and Billy Mays will have a cage fight to the death, UFC eleventeen, ON PAY PER VIEW in a really deep announcers voice, lol.
SALMONELLA PISTACHIOS
I am eating the shit out of every Pistachio on the planet in order to sue the hell out of anyone I can sue, just because I can.
They are crunchy and do not resemble fish in any way... flavor wise. I thought that Salmonella was a dish of grilled salmon in white wine with a hint of lemon pepper and chives and wolverine spunk, but apparently I was wrong.
MORE lemon pepper and less wolverine spunk is recommended for your grilling pleasure, trust me.
SOONER BORN AND SOONER BRED, AND WHEN I DIE I'M SOONER DEAD

13 comments:

yellowdog granny said...

if the red is too hard to read i'll change the colors..

Anonymous said...

汽車借款不限車種、不限車齡,有無分期均可貸,讓您的愛車替您週轉,發揮其價值性。

Ted said...

'Bout goddamned time, boy...Where the fuck you been?
Happy to hear you won the lottery or whatever. About the suck-ass college perfs and wildfires, not so much.
Don't make fun of The Khazakh arrested, or you'll wind up on the business-dealing end of a lawsuit yourself...Or not.
Hell no, don't change the letter color: It's the same as my neck!

billy pilgrim said...

i find red fonts on a black background a little challenging

did shlomi changed his named from goldstein?

Utah Savage said...

Holy freakin shlomoli. This has a lot of good news/bad news and news I knew and wish I didn't.

First off, the photo of the big guy with no dick is quite something. I know where his dick is hiding, but I won't tell.

And congratulations of the money and the house and all.

Sorry about the brain drain. Let me know how that turns out. I think I headed that direction.

Fire n' Brimstone. That's Oklahoma! Stay safe.

buddha_girl said...

Honest, the red? I need something else. Take pity on me, ok?

Winning moolah? Excellent news!

The buy with the beers sans dick? I have no words.

I saw the Shamwow guy's arrest shot and laughed hearty and long. What the hell? I pictured him with the hooker while still hooked up to his little headset/microphone thing. Bad mojo.

The fires? Please stay safe. What the hell. I've seen reports stating that the fires were purposely set. This is where I go all right-wing and say the people should be caught and set on fire. Period. I think it would help deter some others.

Sling said...

A hundred thousand smacks?!!..
Shit fire and save matches Sooner!
Oh wait..better not shit fire in Oklyhoma..

texlahoma said...

I came away with two thoughts after reading that post. Nicotine and Snot
would be a great name for a band and the prostitutes I know won't even kiss me, much less bite my tongue. Maybe $10 goes further in Florida than it does in Oklahoma.

Anonymous said...

Thank each and every one of you for your comments, especially to Utah Savage ...nice to meet you, and all of my other old freinds andf recent aquaintences.

To Anonymous,

我勉強承認那你的國家擁有大部分我們的債務和你有在世界上最大忍受軍隊,但是你以你的污染和你的人口過剩在殺死我們的行星。不要不吃米和 Ramen 麵條來到我的網路日誌。

This is translatable in traditional Chinese, and I do not want a loan from this guy.
But thank you anyway

Sooner

Worried American said...

Quite a post!! Dan'l should read it!

Kulkuri said...

I thought Salmonella was a new type of salmon transplanted into the Great Lakes.

Allan said...

Ew. Ick.

Heidi said...

I'm sorry but that picture of the naked man almost me barf!