I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Thursday, July 30, 2009

LOOKING UP MY WAZOO AND A YORKIE POO








Oh alright..I'll post..besides I had so much stuff going on the past week I have to tell someone. Where do I start..first with the Yorkie Poo. Jenny calls Monday night I think..maybe Tuesday, who can remember..I can remember the shirt asshole #2 wore on the fishing trip to Canada, but can't tell you when Jenny called ..sigh*..anyhow..jeez, Jackie, get to the point. She calls and Jason's Grammy died and on the way over to her house to get the new kitty she had just got they almost ran over this little dog running in circles in the middle of the street. It's a Yorkie Poo. She doesn't have a fenced in yard and they are not moving into their new home with the new fenced in back yard till the middle of August(they got oked by the bank for a house loan on a brand new brick home in China Springs) and wanted to know if ole Granny would dog sit.The dog was filthy, covered with fleas, ticks, and just greasy. So they took him home, cleaned him up and she was practically parked in front of the apartment when she asked if I would watch it. Duh!..Of course..So...first off, Annie is so pissed she can't stand it. She was ok with the dog til it licked her in the face and she went WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Reared up on her wobbly hind legs and batted the pup up side the head about 73 times before he even thought about ducking. They have an uneasy peace going..he eats her food, she eats his. She won't even eat her own kibble but she will eat puppy chow. He likes friskies better than Alpo..sonofabitch.. I thought he was a puppy and took him to Dr. Tom and he said nope, he's about 2 years old, been neutered and was a $500 dog. So Jenny comes and gets him and takes him to get scanned to see if he has a chip..no chip..So she's going to keep him, but Granny has to baby sit him til they move..She wanted to call him Andy(Orphan Andy?) and Jason wanted to call him Hobo...I said I would watch him but they had to promise me they would forget those 2 names...as they were the dumbest names ever..I have been calling him 'Little Buddy'..or "Goddamnit"..which is better than the white cat I had named Asshole. He sleeps with me at night. I put a blanket at the foot of the bed and he and Annie share it..Annie occasionally will hiss at him but he pretty much ignores her. When I'm in the recliner he sleeps right next to me and she gets pissed and gets up there too..So I'm sitting in the recliner with him on one side of me, her on my lap and me trying to either read my book or do my crossword puzzles while she hisses and growls at him. He still has fleas and ticks and she's shedding..so I'm looking somewhat like a itching scratching fur ball.. He's house broke to the extent if I take him outside he'll pee and poop, but if I don't catch him...he goes on the rug in the hall...sigh*...as if I didn't have my hands full with Annie peeing and doing the spastic poop dance. He doesn't know how to play with toys..and won't take food from your hand..you have to lay it on the ground for him to eat it. I think some old lady had him and all they did was sleep..He's playful and will play with my hands and jump on you..but it's mainly for me to hold him. Everyone that has seen him falls in love with him. The picture I'm posting isn't of him..but it looks just like him, except he's black where this dog is brown. I have taken some 'before pictures' and will take some 'after pictures' when Jenny gets him groomed. I need to go out and start taking some pictures for the contest..

what else?....the other Doctor's appointment..Well, the nurse practitioner Angela. I go in and yeah, I've lost 4 lbs. in a week..all that fucking tuna fish and chicken..no bacon. sigh*...Oh and the Sonic opens up and I love their corn dogs..so I said fuck it..and ate 2 corn dogs and thought I would use the corn dog sticks to take the stool samples for my test. See if they notice.So she's going to give me a pap smear, and breast exam. Now...you have to know that I haven't had sex in 25 years. No one has been there in 25 fucking years...So when I'm stripping down to my socks I mentioned that there hadn't been any action down there for so long that they might have to use a jackhammer to get through the cobwebs. The other nurse..stopped and looked up at the ceiling and said 'I don't think I've ever heard that before.' Angela laughed and said "I have a feeling we're going to hear a lot of things from Jackie that we never heard before." The week before I had told her 'I hadn't smoked in 36 years, drank in almost 20 years and haven't had sex in 25 years, so if she ever saw me smoking and drinking, she'd know I just got laid.' So she was prepared for anything . Now I don't want to get personal hear especially to you guys who might not familiar with pap smears..but first you have to get buck nekkid, lay on this padded table with Roy Rogers stirrups and you have to scoot down till your ass is hanging off the end of the table...then she takes this shoe horn looking thing and slips it inside of you...or in my case...me... a place that has remained untouched by human hands for 25 years...it hurt like a sonofabitch...which is exactly what I said..'Damn..that hurts like a sonofabitch.'....she apologized...and then stuck her finger up my butt...It's a good think my ass was hanging off the table or I would have sat up and broke her finger off in me. I hadn't had that much action down there since I got drunk on 2 fifths of Tequila and woke up with a eight ball tattooed on my tit.But that's a story for another post. So...after she finished shoving instruments of torture up my wazoo and ass, she told me to put my arms up and then she felt up my boobs..not how I wanted I to spend the morning. I get dressed (you'll be happy to hear my tits are fine) and then they irrigate my ears and stuffed things up my nose for my allergies. If I hadn't been so busy yelling about the indignities I was suffering I'm sure they would have shoved something in my mouth too. Which makes me shudder to think about what that could be. They are making me an appointment so I can get a mammogram which is painful to say the least. It's where they slide your breasts between 2 sheets of glass and smash them into pancakes. If I flunk the stool sample test( it gets sent off to where ever stool samples get sent) they will shove a camera crew up my ass. Something else for me to look forward to. Aren't you glad I decided to keep posting...?

I tried to tell the nurses that since I hadn't had sex since I had my hysterectomy I was technically a virgin and they popped my cherry...No one would look me in the eye after that comment..People are so touchy. I'll post again about my good deed for the day..week, month..year...I'm cleaning Babs apartment. fuckme I'll never dust again.

21 comments:

Willym said...

Okay life is back to normal now... you had me worried for a day or two there!

Ain't this getting old fun - I've seen more action in certain areas of my body since I turned 60 than I did when I was 20 and active. Sadly not the sort of action I enjoy but....

We want the 8-ball tattoo story please?

battlee43 said...

my friend has a yorkie and I cant stand the thing. He smells and all he wants to do is lick your face.

Yankee Girl said...

That's so nice of you to take care of the dog. I'm an animal lover and still probably wouldn't have let the dog in my house...I guess this is where I become the asshole!

Peg said...

Glad you're back! Your trip to the doc reminds me of a favorite Betty Davis quote, "Old age is not for sissies"!

Pom said...

ROFL@ breaking off her finger...
Loved the post - needed it!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Wowza, what a week you had! Something in every orifice. Plus corn dogs!

Anonymous said...

I hate going to the doctor to get felt-up too! If they bought me dinner first, I might be more willing to take my clothes off. ;-)
Can't wait to see the pictures of the little dog, and read about the 8 ball tattoo.
Bridget

So Not Wishy Washy said...

I KNEW we were related! I call that thing a shoe horn as well. When I mention it by name, people look at me as if I'm insane. It IS shoe horn-esque!

Had my first mammogram two years ago. Oy vey. Women with big boobs shouldn't have to pay for those. Our payment should be in the grimaces on our faces and the outlandish gasps of pain we make as our flesh is being contorted into 2-D shapes between glass. And being mushed and shoved by the tech as well.

sageweb said...

THat was a fun post..and I love that you have a temporary dog. I get myself fondled every september..oh and the last mammogram I had wasn't so bad..they have better machines now, probably engineered by women. The first machines where engineered by pissed of fmen.

jan said...

An eight ball tattooed to your tit. Show us that one.

joy said...

So that's what they're doing down there! I usually just stare at the ceiling and zone out.

Intense Guy said...

If you are smoking after ya had sex you ain't doing something right...

*ugh* Even I groaned at that.

:) Annie got some punching bag action and you got some "other kind" of action... what a week.

I hope Babs feels better and brighter soon - you cleaning her place ought to be a help. She still blogging any? I'll have to see if I can find that link you had to her blog.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

willym:if I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.
battleee:actually this one is a little playful..not a licker and sleeps most of the time..
yankeegirl:if i take him out everytime he gets up and moves around he'll get the idea..annie's problem is the one that gets me..she has no control and just pees and poops at will..sigh*
peg:glad to be back.
pom:would have served her right.
debra:i'd been happier if they had left me a corn dog after each entry ...
bridget:i enjoyed telling about the adventure then actually experiencing it..
wishy:the only good thing about the entire exam was the nurse ran warm water over the shoe horn so it wouldn't be cold..the last time i had the mammogram they said it was more painful for women with small boobs than women with big boobs..i said 'your full of shit'...
sage:i hope it's better than the last one i had..it sucked...little buddy is a cutie, but I'll be glad to see him go..maybe I could foster dogs for a few weeks..and then send them back..ha..
jan:oh the 8ball is gone..there is a cowboy helmet on top of it now..it's a ugly tattoo..no color..just black and gray..
joy:im just glad it wasn't dr. E...the thought of him putting his finger up my butt makes me hysterical...
intense:she posts every now and then..but she seems to be better and better the cleaner her apt. gets. all that's left for me to do is her bedroom and the floors..you have to wear sunglasses in the bathroom it's so shiny..
howtogoinsane.blogspot.com

Leland Sage said...

Yankee Girl sent me your way and told me you are so funny.

She was right.

texlahoma said...

I got a mental image of a pancake with an eight ball on it, with syrup and butter of course.
I have access to a computer again so although I'm still strange, I won't be such a stranger.

Heidi said...

Hmmm, did the "stray" Yorkie that runs around our neighborhood make it over to your granddaughter's neck of the woods? LOL

rosemary said...

Must be the time of year for stupid people to throw out dogs....luckily there are those of us who love those discarded pups and babysit for them and give them homes. as for the physical....I hate them too....I need to find a female doc around here because i have had just about enough of men doing that stuff to me. You stop blogging....I'd have to do something serious if you did.

Ted Amadeus said...

Glad that was just a temporary measure...Not blogging no more, I mean. I been tempted, but my itchy fingers come back for more scratching on this keyboard.
Hope the pooch and you get better acquainted, with fewer fleas.
Funny, the only doctors I like for exams & stuff are ladies, too (go fkn figure!)...especially the fill-in chiropractor: She can jerk me around anytime!

Where the fuck's Sooner!?

Scottish Toodler said...

LMFAO!!! Jackiesue! Thank Goddess you are here to make the rest of the world laugh!!!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

leland:yankee girl wouldn't lie...
tex:welcome back sweety..that's about what it looks like..a pancake with a football helmet on it.
heidi:jenny just brought him back from the groomers..oh man..he's sooo cute..looks like the $500 dog he is..
rosemary:and he's just the best little dog ever..well behaved, sweet, good disposition..except all he eats is cat food.
ted:he got groomed and de ticked and flead again..he looks like a different doggie.
scottish:glad I could make you laugh..

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