I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

DIVORCE FROM ASSHOLE#2with the help of Brian

First a little back ground story...Bill (Asshole #2 was the husband I married while on LSD and had only seen him 3 times in about as many weeks.. The first day he saw me I was standing on a ladder cleaning the mirror behind the bar with a skirt that barely covered my ass...well, it didn't cover my ass, but that was the idea. The name of the bar was Charlies Broiler..No matter the sound of it, it was a really nice little down town bar that had a very nice clientele. On one side was the bar that seated about 8-10 stools and there were about 8 tables. The owner Charlie was Turkey/Greek and was nearly blind..He was forever coming behind the bar every chance he'd get for a slug of booze.. Only thing was he couldn't see what he'd pour himself and one time he'd get Ouzo and the next he'd get a bottle of bar sour. It was fun to watch him with his 4 inch Mr Magoo glasses gagging after a double shot of bar sour. Anyhow..Asshole #2 came in spotted my barely covered ass and told his friend..I'm going to marry the face that belongs to that ass. So over a period of 2-3 weeks, he'd come in and ask me to marry him..I'd laugh, make fun of him and he'd leave. Then one night he came in and I had taken my first acid trip...I was whacked. He seemed to know what was going on and had me close my eyes and feel his Vietnamese money, which I had never seen before, but with acid shooting through my veins I was able to describe with almost 100 percent accuracy the money. Cool. Next thing I know I'm in Reno, Nevada married to Billy Ivan Clark. Sigh*...truth..I can't make shit like this up.
So long story short I'm in Roswell, New Mexico and I'm a regular at the pool hall where I play golf, 3-ball and regular pool with all the attorneys, Judges, etc in Roswell...I decided to get a divorce from ole Bill and I had every attorney begging to do it as they knew it would be fun if nothing else. The guy I picked had to drop out because he had made judge. So I picked someone else.. Brian said he'd come with me for moral support. Think it started at like 10:a.m. and since I had to be up to take the kids to school ole B and I started drinking Bloody Mary's at 7:30 and by 10 we were in the bag. I was still going through my hippy stage and had a belt with bells on it. I always said as long as I could hear the bells I'd know where I was. (Made sense to me) Plus all of my clothes were short short mini or ultra mini skirts. So we show up for court and the Judge (who is my old attorney) is freaking out. I'm drunk wearing a purple blouse, purple mini skirt and boots and a waist full of bells. B, so I won't feel lonely hass bells on too. The Judge sent me home to take off the damn bells and change clothes. We stopped and had another Bloody Mary and I went home and changed clothes. This time I had on a yellow blouse, a leather fringed vest, a leather fringed wrap around leather skirt and boots..but no bells. Judge decided just to get it over with . The court room was full..I mean packed to the brim..every attorney, assistant, clerk etc was in there. They knew this was going to be a circus. So the Judge calls me to the stand and on the way I made a grab ass for my attorney just for the hell of it. He jumped about 2 feet in the air and squealed like a girl. You could hear the thunk as the judge's head hid his bench. It was still down when my attorney asked my first question. Finally he said 'Can you tell me Mrs. Brown exactly why you think this marriage can't be saved.' I said "Because the only thing we do in bed together is read and the only thing we have in common is we both like the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street. Thunk, Judge's head hits bench again and every one in the court room is laughing and trying to not laugh..Finally the Judge lifts his head and says 'Divorce granted, now get her the hell out of here.'...I do believe there was applause, but was too drunk to be sure. Then B and me and most of the court room went to the Star Dust and had more Bloody Mary's.
Tada...the end..

11 comments:

DaisyDeadhead said...

Best story I ever heard.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Holy crap, YDG! They should put your divorce story on Law and Order! Oh well, the main thing is you successfully got rid of Asshole # 2.

I've tagged you over at my blog today to do The Christmas Survey. Come check it out!

Ted Amadeus said...

OMHfG, you lived in "UFOtown" too? August 1982-April 1983 myself, before the family made the big-ass mistake of moving back to Indiana...Un. Fucking. Believable! But that's a big reason I don't talk about "eariderSae alconFae" nomore: It don't top yours, but nobody fucking believes it anyway.
Least of all "Van Swagg".

sageweb said...

YOu really need to write a book..this is brilliant..I loved this story.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

ahh, just one of many adventures of jackiesue

Intense Guy said...

Poor judge... his head needed an ace bandage for padding...

Sounds like it was mercifully quick for all involved.

jan said...

Definite material for the big screen.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

one of the attorneys copied the entire court prcedure and thumb tacked it to the bulitine board under the caption. a typical new mexico divorce.

Ted Amadeus said...

Like pullin teeth: Get it over with boomps-quick!

Nit Wit said...

Gee, that judge does the same thing that I do when my daughters are around.
I guess you just wanted a quickie.

angel said...

Holy crapperpoodle... when does your book come out?