I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Thursday, April 29, 2010

SINGLES AD FOR YELLOWDOG GRANNY


66 year old Widow looking for just the right one.

height:5'4"

weight:none of your mother fucking business.(plump)

age:66

Race:lily white redneck

religion:pagan

status:widow(will tell you about that at the altar)...Ok..tell you about that..AFTER the altar.

Likes:
Reading(uninterrupted by you, unless the house is on fire.)
Crossword puzzles, after reading the DAM News. Which you are not allowed to touch until I have finished reading. Which means you'll have to read it with the gaps where I have cut out recipes or articles of interest..get over it or get your own paper.)
Football, and this means you have to love the Dallas Cowboys with all your heart and absolutely hate the mother fucking Philadelphia Eagles. This is a deal breaker. If I see even a hint of affection for the Eagles you'll go the way of the last husband. It will be ugly.
Computers, Facebook, Blogging, my Internet friends and games I play on line..Get over it or get your own computer. Change that..HAVE YOUR OWN COMPUTER. While we're at it..you'll need your own TV, radio and automobile. Might be a good idea to have a house with separate bedrooms and baths..Second thought we should probably have separate homes. So you should probably have lots of money.
Like to travel. Which means going to House of Satan (Wall-Mart) once a month. Any farther than Pizza House of West is out of the question.
Minus..vulgar, hardheaded, stubborn, weird sense of humor. I haven't had sex in 25 years and not really interested in breaking the streak..unless your Antonio Banderas. Then I'm sure we can work something out.
Plus...I love to bake, have a big heart, happy 99% of the time. (The one percent usually involves football losses or stupid Republicans.) If I like you or love you I'm always there for you..unless it has to do with the Cowboys(see Eagles) or politics(see republicans).
I know your out there prince charming.. hurry the fuck up...not getting any younger here.

20 comments:

turquoisemoon said...

You forgot Dexter???
Must love cats???
ha ha ha...too funny!!!

Twain12 said...

good luck LOL

jp said...

If more people were this honest up front the divorce rate would go way down.

Jan said...

What about romantic candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach?

OK, that's crap and we all know it.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

turquoise:yup.must love cats..and the main thing and I forgot it..
IM A REAL WOMAN..NOT A PLASTIC WOMAN..I BURP AND FART..sometimes together..but you can always laugh and point and say :thar she blows..
jp:if i had been that honest..i'd still be single..ha
jan:long walks on the beach? hell I'm lucky to make it to the end of the drive way.

Intense Guy said...

LOL!

Hey, if it works... who's to say anything contrary? :)

I hate the Eagles but ... gosh ... I dunno... "loving the 'boys" ain't gonna be easy.

Not to split hairs or nothin' but is Dexter really a cat? Or is he something very evil incarnated as one?

Sad thing is, I'd probably like Dexter long before the 'boys.

Ted McLaughlin said...

I was looking pretty good until you got to "have lots of money" and look like Antonio Banderas. Oh well, I'm impossible to live with anyway.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Now all you have to do is post this on www.plentyoffish.com and you're in business!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

intense:im sure of one thing..dexter is a one of a kind.not sure that's a good thing..ha
ted:dang..and i was counting on you.
debrah:are you kidding? my luck i'd have every recluse from here to alaska kicking in my door

female I shit you not! said...

Luv your humor & wit Jackie.
More! More! More!

Charlene said...

Fabulous ad. Was that an ad?

I've always said, each person needs their own house but not far apart. Make meals for each other. Make love when you want. The rest of the time companions for all those social things.

Blueberry said...

Honesty is a great quality, one that I look for in people.

Antonio Banderas! heh heh... for reals I'd rather live with a fat Puss'n'Boots (but not for sex) (obviously) ;-)

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

female:im typing as fast as i can.
charlene:they asked someone that had been married for over 30 years what the secret was and he said separate bathrooms..i agree.
blue:have you ever seen antonio butt nekkid? holy shit..make you fall to the ground and bite a stick.

heartinhand said...

If I ever find myself single, I'll never look for another man again. Too hard to train.

Dave said...

Okay, that was a funny singles ad - especially because it is so honest!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

heart:i'd be afraid i'd find one that would fit my criteria..would scare the shit out of me.
dave:it's me...jackie..of course it's honest...why would i want to lie?.ha

Kulkuri said...

Have a friend who after his third divorce decided not to marry again. He has been in a relationship with someone for over 20 years(longer than all three marriages combined) mainly because they live in seperate houses about 10 miles apart.

I'm a Packer Backer, don't care for the Eagles, but care less about the 'Boys!!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

kulkuri:there is no way i'd be able to share a house with anyone..first time he touched my remote or gave me a shot in the ribcage with his elbow to' fix me some breakfast hon'...would be the end of the marriage..and possible him..

texlahoma said...

They shouldn't be in for any surprises, that's for sure.
Think of how much time could be saved if all singles adds were so honest.

Shrinky said...

Ah, with a resume like that, I'll bet there's a stampede of Banderas-look-alikes flocking to your door?