I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Sunday, April 27, 2014

IT ALL STARTED WITH A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

.......IT ALL STARTED WITH A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.......

Last Wednesday I got up early as the management had arranged for our apartments to be sprayed for piss ants...For those of you who don't know what piss ants are...good for you, cause they are some pain in the ass little fuckers...Tiny wee fuckers and love to swarm over opened cans of cat food and assorted other treats..So I'm up and there's a knock at the door...think aha...the bug people...nope..it's the lady next door Claudette..She says:"You want to go to Caritas?"...I'm thinking ok(Caritas is a used shit store that is like Salvation Army) I have nothing to do but hang around and watch them kill bugs...so I kiss the cat, grab my purse and I'm off...We're going to go in her car...some where in the back of my pea brain is a little voice saying:"Hey stupid, isn't she the one that wrecked 2 cars?".....My other little voice is saying:"Shaddap...we're only going to Caritas here in West...how dangerous can it be?"....We get into her car and she starts it and it dies, she starts it and it dies, she starts it and it ...well, you get the picture..finally she starts it, guns the engine so loud and long people were coming out on their porch to see what the fuck was going on...I am still thinking...we're only going 2 miles..we're only going 2 miles...
She immediately starts a process of driving which consists of a lot of jerking the wheel and sudden bursts of speed followed by slamming on the brakes...my mantra is now 2 miles up..2 miles back...She drives to the Czech stop and fills up the gas tank...hmmm....we're only going 4 miles round trip..right?...Then she whips the car on to the frontage road and heads for I-35...........oh fuck!....I say:"UH....I thought we were going to Caritas." she whips the wheel back pulling us out of the path of a semi.."Oh, we're going to the one on 5th and Mary...in Waco...(after much wheel jerking, speeds up to 80 miles an hour, most of which was done in the on coming lane, she remembers that it is 15th and Mary and we are fucking lost.)I finally get us to the right place as I used to deliver Jones-Blair Paint down in that area..On the ride to Waco (where I have both my feet mashed on the floor board and a double hand death grip on the seat belt)..she tells me that Caritas has a store where if you are illegible you can get food, clothes, house wear, etc. for free..I'm thinking they better be giving me porter house and a fine fucking Bordeaux for this trip from hell...We get there at 9:30am......we got out of there at 4fuckingpm...I got a frozen chicken, canned vegetables, soups, shampoos, soap, toilet paper, beans rice, noodles, peanut butter, jelly, a huge sack full of home made bread, butter, 6 ears of corn on the cob, a plastic bag the size of a suitcase full of smashed frozen onions, a canned boned chicken, and a package of kotex. 7 and one half fucking hours in a room with 80 people( I was# 66)...and each one of those people had 3 kids hanging on to them and screaming at the top of their lungs...When will parents learn that standing across the room screaming "if you don't stop that I'm going to slap the shit out of you"...to your kid will not actually make them ...'Stop that'...I was torn between actually smacking the kid and smacking the parent..Well, I know that this is a great program for families with kids and I am glad that they have it, but in the parking lot there were beamers, suv's, Lexus's, and shinny new trucks...also several people were selling their groceries for cash...I will fight Annie tooth and nail for her cans of Friskies before I go back there...fuck me till I say "next".....
The only good thing about the entire day was we were both hungry when we got out of there and we went to Sonic and I got a corn dog, small ff, and small Dr.Pepper...It may have been the best thing I have ever eaten in my entire fucking life...When I opened up my little sack with my corn dog and saw there was no mustard...I snapped...I jacked that window down, stuck my head out and roared:"Hey, lady...I didn't get any mustard with my corn dog." thems grounds for divorce in Texas....Three car-hops were right there with my mustard... I spread it on the little paper envelope it came it and ate the whole thing, paper, corn dog stick and all...I licked the paper bag it came in..I saved the ff for when I got home...but I stuck my nose in the little carton it came in and alternated between smelling the ff's and sucking on the cubes of ice to get all of the flavor of Dr.Pepper that I could..Which kept me from freaking out that Claudette drove in the wrong lane almost all the way home..

Tuesday when I had worked at the library for Henrietta I got out at 7pm and didn't feel like cooking dinner, so thought I would go to the old bar where I used to hang out as it is not a bar and they make BBQ and is supposed to be terrific...So I pulled into the parking lot and went through some major flash backs..this being the place where I spent a good percentage of my time sucking down beers and making my own drinks with my BYOB of Rum, Whiskey, Vodka and the occasional bottle of Tequila....I remember waking up in my little blue jeep and was confused..got out of the jeep and went inside and asked Jerry the owner:"How long as it been since I was here last(we would bar hop all over town)? and she said about 2 hours...why? I said:"Cause I woke up in the jeep from where I had passed out and didn't know if I was coming....or going.."
So you can see I wasn't thrilled about being there, but most food places were closed and that BBQ smelled so good..In I go...and I wasn't 3 feet inside the door and people were yelling and screaming and laughing and OH MY God, HOLY Shit and I DON'T BELIEVE IT... fuck..I thought it would be a new crowd..but it was the same old bunch of drunks...Patsy who works at the Community Grocery was there with another old drinking buddy Debby..So I had a Dr. Pepper and a bbq sandwich and let them talk me into coming back this Friday for ladies night...Only on the condition that I don't have to be a lady I says....which really made them laugh..
Saturday at 7 p.m.I made my grand entrance...to the X-CAPITAL, X-STRICKY COUNTRY, -THE DEPOT AND Currently now:JACK AND DIANE'S BBQ..Wearing my old Stricky Country T-Shirt ...the said t-shirt being 20 plus years old, I wasn't going for style...It was pretty much like I had stepped into a time warp...one of my very favorite people Dingy Debbie was there, JD was there(he was 10 the last time I saw him), Patsy, Bert the Budweiser Driver, Santiago the pool player, Pat the painter, brother of old friend, and many many more..Mostly new faces as I think the rest croaked..David is gone, Tennis Shoe is gone, Agnes is gone, Tommy is gone, Red is gone, lot of them gone...But the only two that are still here and not drinking ..are me and Santiago...I don't want to say that I didn't have a good time...but ..........I didn't have a good time...I played pool and considering that I haven't played serious pool in 15 years..I did ok...I racked more than I broke, but I didn't embarrass myself...but by 11:30 I was more than ready to go home...the smoke was killing me, the inane drunk conversations were boring me to fucking tears...Plus Bert kept trying to get me into the back of the Bud truck..I finally told him, Bert, if I wouldn't fuck you when I was drinking..what makes you think I will fuck you when I'm sober??? He just grinned that hey I'm drunk and ain't I cute grin that men think will get them out of a head slap..It didn't bother me hanging around them while they drank and I was not..what bothered me is that at one time I thought this was the best time ever...or not so much that it was a good time as it was what I did and what I knew...The only good part of the night was 2 different people wanted to know what I was doing in the retirement apts as I am not old enough...I said I'm 63..I'm more than old enough..both thought I was in late 40's or early 50's...a sure sign that they need to cut back on the beer...I also had some kid (19-20) ask me if I wanted some dip..and I said "NO thanks, I just had a bar of soap."....he looked at me and said, "what does that mean?" and I said"it means I have already had something nasty in my mouth so I don't need any dip."...he thought that was hysterical and went around and was telling everyone what I said.. At least that Jackie story didn't have me drunk and saying fuck a lot..

So that was my adventure for the week...that's not even counting the attack of Annie against a black bird and it got lose in the house and I had bird, bird feathers and a wild pussy racing through the house...oh...and I won some kind of thinking blog award..me and cyberoutlaw and 3 other blogs...how cool is that...I will post about it Monday or Tuesday...Cause I'm kinda proud of it...
Fuckme till I dip...

reedited and worked over story..some names have been changed to protect me from getting my ass kicked.

My aim is to pull 20=30 stories and have them put into a book of short stories..what do you all think?

8 comments:

Practical Parsimony said...

That was hilarious. I think stories like that in a book would be great!

Jan said...

I love your stories. Stuff happens to you that has never happened to another human. Ever.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I take it this is a repost of something you posted a few years ago on your blog . . . holy moly, what a week that was! You know the craziest people!

Vicki said...

Definitely put your stories in a book!

Nan said...

Go for it. You have a way with words.

Peggy said...

Love your stories! Write the book!

Intense Guy said...

A book about your live and adventures would be fascinating - it might even be a best seller!

Jerri said...

Oh,Hell yes! Jackiesue,with your experiences and your slant on life it would be a hot ticket item! Just promise me you'll sign my copy. : )