Blessings on you my children. Yellowdog told me you had been asking for me, so ask and you shall receive..(that Book stole all my great lines)..but I'm not going to tell you again no more questions about politics or sports...for the last time: the Goddess doesn't give a stuffed dwarf, about your sports or politics. Until the loser of the game or the election is used for a human sacrifice, keep me out of it. Don't make me come bip you. I'll give you till Friday for all your questions and then I'll have them for you this Sunday. I hope you come up with something worth my time, I am a busy Goddess and as love and war is my game...I always have my hands full. Hearts are broken and warriors lost. The beat goes on..damn that Sonny, he's been singing that song in the halls for 3 days, and I don't think I'll ever get it out of my head. Not near as much fun as when Frankie croons me..ooooh Frankie..he's still got it..
Dear Goddess, 1. Can you cast a spell or hypnotize Steve so he will start picking up after himself? He was traveling for 2 weeks and came home thinking he was still in a hotel. I am not the maid. 2. Can you make my hair grow faster? I'm thinking of letting it grow for the winter, but if it looks like crap I don't want to be driving to some butcher of a stylist in the snow...and there isn't any snow right now. 3. Can you make Steve's computer constantly show a picture of the counter top I want and not the cheesy one he wants? If he sees mine often enough he might change his mind. last: Can you make the news people stop talking about Michael Jackson and those assjerks Jon and Kate? I hope you will be back soon because problems are stacking up and I will need your astute advice again soon. Thank you Goddess.
ReplyDeleteDearest Goddess,
ReplyDeleteOUr new little addition to the family, Sister Bitch, is being awfully bitchy towards Homer, will she ever settle down?
Dear All-Knowing Goddess:
ReplyDeleteWe have been looking longingly at perhaps adding a new furry addition to our family since losing our beloved Tobin a year ago. Problem is, the Bear wants a big dog, and I would love a beagle. How to make the decision... toss a coin?
xo
Goddess, is swine flu bacon's revenge?
ReplyDeleteHey Goddess. How they hangin?
ReplyDeleteI feel like I've seen you sometime in the past.
I keep having a recurring dream where I'm approaching a place that is too beautiful to describe with the sounds of a great party. On the other hand I hear crying and other sounds of grief coming from behind me. There is a gate and I hear a voice saying Oh Shit look who's coming! Then the gate slams shut and I find myself back in my body hooked up to all sorts of machines while my whole family stands around me still making all the noise I heard behind me.
My question is, Who was the joker who slammed the gate? sounds like one of your relatives to me.
Dear Goddess:
ReplyDeleteOf all the horror movies, which is your favorite? Why?
Dear Goddess,
ReplyDeleteAre we arrogant jerks for bombing the moon with a missile?
xo
Will Mr Oreo still be with us for christmas, we'd really like to find him a home as he has been in rescue for a year now and with us since March. He is such a good dog, but there are so many other dogs that could benefit from our help beyond just needing a place to squat. Did I mention that I also wanted a cat?
ReplyDeleteGoddess:
ReplyDeleteCan you bring some sunshine into YDG's life soon, perhaps in the form of a friendly but lonely pit bull (without or without handsome male owner)?
Can you tell me why people actually but snuggies for their dogs? Is this brainless condition permanent or is there actually (even the smallest bit of) hope for mankind?
Could you tell me how I can enjoy some Reese's peanut butter cups - without worrying about the damn sugar levels and having the guilt?
*humbly offers up a huge tray of freshly cooked bacon as an offering*
Dear Goddess,
ReplyDeleteAs the lone Aries surrounded by a bunch of whiny Virgos I need your help. I am tired of being told that I am too straightforward and aggressive and that I don't finish things. What's the point of subtly? The people that I'm dating don't seem to mind. And I do finish stuff. I mean as long as it doesn't drag on forever and ever. Would you help these Virgos understand and let me be the impulsive fire sign that I am? If you want to bip a few that would be okay. Thanks.
P.S. If you have a village you want sacked, I'm your man.
Dear Goddess,
ReplyDeleteWho put the bomp in the bomp-shu-wop?
Who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?
And who put the snow on my ground? Do they not know how early it is on earth?
Sooner here,
ReplyDeleteDear Goddess, my question will be stripped down to the fundamental root of thought.
Most questions begin with What, If, Can, Does, Should, Could... endless tangents of our philosophy.
But it allways boils down to the one word of mystery. So Goddess, WHY?
Huummm....my requests seem a bit selfish....I want, I want, I want.
ReplyDeleteso let me revise my request....when we we have world peace?
Sooner here again,
ReplyDeleteDear Goddess,
Just one other question, please.
Why are we TRULY bombing the moon?
The ice theory is too simple, there better be a better damn reason. Is it aliens, oil,.. cheese?
Your vast wisdom is all encompassing and ageless. Once again, I plead, why?
How do babies know the exact moment you have just put on a clean shirt and don't have a "Slobber Cloth" handy?
ReplyDeleteYellowdog says you're in a snit. My question is not why, but what took you so fucking long?
ReplyDeleteAlso, can you give me winning lottery numbers for Saturday? Thanks.
Was thinking about You just the other day!
ReplyDeleteHow do I patch things up with YdG & me? She don't know how much she means 2 me, and her rants and raves are THE BEST.
BTW, could you gently persuade TOM to make Autumn last a bit longer than two weeks in Indiana?
Thanks!!
dear goddess
ReplyDeletedoes the dalai lama ever wear levis and a t-shirt when he watches tv? surely he doesn't have to wear that dress all the time.
Goddess: How the hell, in this country, you can put "act of god" into a legal contract and get away with it??
ReplyDeleteIf you can't even prove God exists, how do you prove it was his/her "act" that caused the damage in a court of law??!?
Hi Goddess.
ReplyDeleteIntense Guy:
ReplyDeleteNever liked that wording my self. Kind of stupid to blame God(ess) for what's largely the consequences of human stupidity and carelessness.
Pure asinine.