May 9, 2010
Republicans Insert Name ‘Kagan’ into Speeches Opposing Obama’s Supreme Court Pick
New iPhone App Generates GOP Rhetoric
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Moments after news of President Obama’s choice for Supreme Court justice spread across Washington, congressional Republicans rushed to insert the name “Elena Kagan” into speeches opposing the President’s judicial nominee.In the text of a speech released Sunday, hours before Ms. Kagan was selected, House Minority Leader John Boehner (D-Ohio) states, “I opposed the nomination of BLANK because I believe BLANK would lead the court down a dangerous path towards judicial activism. In short, I cannot think of a worse choice for Supreme Court than BLANK.”The anti-Kagan rhetoric was generated last week before Ms. Kagan was nominated, GOP insiders said, by using a new iPhone app called iOppose.In other news, Study of the Neanderthal genome at UC Santa Cruz has revealed that mating between humans and Neanderthals may explain one of science's most persistent mysteries: the existence of Glenn Beck."We believe that sex between a human and a Neanderthal may have resulted, some fifteen thousand years later, in several of the Fox News Channel's primetime hosts, including Glenn Beck," said a leading genetic researcher at the university.But while sex between humans and Neanderthals may explain the existence of the controversial Fox host, other mysteries remain, the researcher said: "While it is likely that a human would have sex with a Neanderthal, it is unclear who would have sex with Glenn Beck."The discovery that Neanderthals and humans mated fifteen thousand years ago took many scientists by surprise: "Previously, we thought the first time this occurred was on 'Jersey Shore.'"Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security said that it had been following Times Square bombing suspect Faisal Shahzad, “but only on Twitter.”
I think sex with Neanderthals explains Michelle Malkin too!
ReplyDeleteLove that new iPhone ap iOpose! SMILE. This makes me giggle!!!
I had sex with a Neanderthal once. It wasn't bad.
ReplyDeleteThere have been occasions when the only people that would have sex with me were Neanderthals. Mind you they don't kiss and tell - just sort of grunt afterward.
ReplyDeletenever suprised me LOL
ReplyDeleteI love ole borowitz...and I've been on a date or two with some neanderthals..couple of grunts and they were done.
ReplyDeletestephen colbert says there aren't any protestant supreme court justices and now obama picks a jew when there were already 2 jews.
ReplyDeletenow there will be as many muslims as protestants on the supreme court. who would have thunk it.
I expect Ms Kagen will be nominated, making it 3 women on the court. That should be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for explaining Beck to me. The neanderthal connection does seem obvious.
Off subject - in case you heard about the tornadoes in Ok, we made it through, no damage here, pretty sure Sooner made it ok too. Talk to you later.
ReplyDeleteThat's an insult to Neanderthals everywhere. Borowitz is always good I get him in my Email every day.
ReplyDeleteLong day. I have to send you an Email.
Those poor Geigo Caveman.. they get no respect.
ReplyDeleteI had to chuckle at "we thought the first time this occurred was on 'Jersey Shore'" and blow raspberries at the DHS bullsh*t.
It's a shame to this allegedly-"free" country that there's not one cross-dressing skin-head on the entire SCOTUS...Descrimination, dammit! Blatant discrimination!!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, GOPhers suck at obstructionism, and should really stick to scare-tactics & fear-mongering; the kind of shit parties out of power are good at.
Maybe they can pick up Tom Daschle in the draft picks next year: I hear he's a free agent and well-experienced where they're lacking.
I think the Storm has a bit too much money and not enough shredding machines :-)...most teams probably do it but they destroy the evidence so they dont get caught...im sure the salary caps are much higher in the US yep! much higher
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