OTHER THAN THEY ARE ARMED..THE SOPRANO'S HAVE NOTHING ON US

Does anyone remember a few years ago when I went to Jenny's graduation and it was a little wacky..(Both Bush's were looking right down at me while I ate)??? Let me tell ya...it couldn't hold a candle to Jamie's graduation dinner..The graduation ceremony went off without a hitch and it was just terrific..we were all so proud of Jamie and it was a happy joyous occasion..followed by.......THE FAMILY DINNER...

There are a lot of families in this bunch...some not even related anymore..but through the Girls we are all family...They are the girls Dad(my son Thom) and his wife C...then there is the girls Mom K. and her husband R.then there is K.'s Mom and Dad, known as the girls Nanny and PawPaw....K.'s brother J. with his wife R.and their middle son J and his wife with the $600 purse, H.Jamie's boyfriend and his mom P.and Me, Grannie Grunt.at another table is K.'s pentacostel(spelling?) friends who usually go into a twitching freenzy when ever they are around me(I freaked them out one Christmas when at the end of the prayer to thank God for the food, I said 'and thank you Goddess, I appreciate it.'...they make the sign to ward off evil when they see me..so these are the major characters...all nice people ...and considering..we all get along ok...the other grandma(nanny) and I get along great and her husband PawPaw is as sweet a man that you will ever meet...a very very sweet nice man...remember this as it will have more meaning later on in the story...K. is a Daddy's girl, she looooooves her Daddy..and the girls, Jenny and Jamie adore their PawPaw...he's the only Grandpa they have...the scene?...we are at Dock's resturant..a nice place on Lake Brazos..I have eaten there before ..I had the smallest flattest most over cooked samon I ever saw in my life...so I am already not thrilled at the choice of resturanat...but..I digress...

We all get seated...it's about 7:15or so...after 20 minutes..we get a waiter who takes our drink order and appitizers....10-15 minutes later..we get them...only the soda's.. the mixed drinks and beer came in another 15 minutes..we are already sensing a trend here and are muttering amongst ourselves...mutter mutter...all together there were 3 orders of raw oysters...we got one after another 30 minutes..they take our food order...after 30 minutes we still have no salads...I said..fuckit..I walk to the kitchen..very polite...open the doors where there are 6-7 people just standing in the door way bullshitting...I said...I hate to bitch....but I am....we have been here for over an hour...and still don't have all of our orders of oysters..we have no salad..and we are all ready to reorder on our drinks..I know sometimes things go bad..but really guys...it's salad...and what about the rest of the oysters..the manager is in there..hiding behind the cook...never says a word...they explain how they have to OPEN up the oysters, clean them etc..etc..I said well, get to shucking sweety..times awasting..and pointing at one of the cooks..you ..make the salads...10 minutes later..we get our salads..except for jenny, who never does get hers...she says fuckit..they will probably spit in it if I say anything..then comes the rest of the oysters..and another round of drinks...in the meantime..J. has complained to the waiter/waitress about the lack of food. Then K. goes and finds the manager and complains...we are all getting pissed, but trying not to be assholes about it..and considering we are all assholes on our best day..it wasn't easy to be nice under the circumstances...Nanny has her raw oysters and a corona, and is happy as a clam...we get the food..I had blacked catfish with mushrooms and onions..they were cold and greasy...the catfish was hot but semi'raw..but I had to eat to take my meds and would have eaten the asshole out of a polar bear as I hadn't eaten since 1pm...It's 10...we have had the manager come to the table where everyone politely and calmly explained the food was cold, raw, or burnt..R.'s lobster was burnt to a crisp..my fish was raw..Nanny and PawPaw wouldn't even eat theirs is was so nasty..PawPaw stands and says he is not going to pay for something he can't eat because it is nealy raw and unedible...the waiter, does a head bob, walks off and says fuck you...to the little ole man who wouldn't say shit if his mouth was full of it...I had just gone to the bathroom so missed this part..I come out of the bathroom to hear K. say:"He said What to my Daddy?"....I knew the shit had just hit the fan...everyone was in the kitchen..Jenny and Jamie had followed him into the kitchen and were going to kick his ass...they were cussing and screaming ..K. joined in ...Thom's in the middle of it...J. and his son J. are in the middle of it...C. Thom's wife looks like a deer caught in the headlights..and I am trying to figure out if I really need to get in the middle of it too..figure they are doing well enough without me..(you would have been so proud of me).so the scream/cussfest goes on and on...finally the manager says..just go..all of you go...Thom's got his check and his money out and says here's my money for my bill and the guy says.."you don't have to pay..just everyone leave."..Thom trys to pay again..they say just get out..everyone leave..so by then the humor of it all hits us..and we all start to laugh..ok, it was me..I'm laughing my ass off..making jokes about 'family get together's'...boy ain't it a good time when we all get together like this..and as we are going out the door, Jenny, Jamie and K. are still threatening to kick that waiters ass for talking smack to PawPaw...so I get to the door...turn around and say:"So ...does this mean we don't get a desert?"....then every one did start laughing..we went outside..it's pouring down raining..we're getting into our cars..laughing our asses off..as we are standing there I holler out'Hey......the fucking Soprano's ain't got shit on us.'..

I go get my truck, go to the hated Wal-Mart do some shopping..go outside..truck won't start..call Thom's..he's not there..the owner called the police and they came to the house and were so nice after Thom told them the story..they said none of the waiters or anyone at Dock's had told the story the same ..they kept changing their stories..but the Iranian woman boss who wasn't even there..wanted her money and said she didn't care if the food was raw, burnt or took us 3 hours to get our meal..she wanted her money..so Jenny came and got me(wasn't the battery..just won't start) and brought me home..Thom was still there because he wouldn't tell them who else was there..J. is already back in Arlington and Thom wasn't going to rat out his 70+ ex-father-in-law...So tomorrow Jenny and I are calling the health department, better business bureau,liquor people, etc...we know for a fact that they pour old grease into the Brazos from their kitchen, them bastids..

fuck with us will they?...

You know you're a redneck when every family get together ends up with someone going to jail.

fuckme till I'm blackened..