November 8, 2010
Bush Publishes ‘I Can Has Prezidensy’
Advance Look at Former President’s Memoir
The Borowitz Report has obtained an advance copy of former President George W. Bush’s memoir, entitled I Can Has Prezidensy. Here are some highlights: -- The book contains a “Where’s Waldo?” foldout section with WMDs. -- Bush says the biggest disappointment of his eight years in office was learning there was no Santa Claus -- The book’s appendix includes a series of connect-the-dot drawings Bush was unable to complete -- Bush on the unfinished business of his Presidency: “I never did learn how that neat story about the goat ended.” -- Bush’s memoir is a quick read, since 95% of it has been redacted by Dick Cheney -- Six months after the book’s publication there will be an English-language version
November 3, 2010
Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration
Over 55,000,000 Requests for Citizenship Since Tuesday Night
OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) - Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past twenty-four hours, with over fifty-five million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night. Of those fifty-five million requests, well over 99.99% of them came from U.S. citizens, with a particularly large number coming from residents of Florida and Kentucky. Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said that he was “flabbergasted” by the fifty-five-million-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase. “My only theory is that after the 2010 winter Olympics, the sport of curling is finally starting to catch on,” he said. He cautioned, however, that it is impossible to know exactly what is sparking the sudden interest in America’s frozen neighbor to the north: “People answering our immigration hot-line say that it is hard to understand many of the American callers because they are sobbing uncontrollably.” In other news, responding to last night’s election returns, Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) told reporters, “I’m so stoked I just turned the tanning bed up to eleven.” But former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin struck a more somber note, saying that despite several key victories, “it was a tough night for Tea Party voters because it involved so much math.”
November 2, 2010
Three Things to Remember on Election Day
Special Borowitz Report Voter's Guide
As you head to the polls today, please keep these three things in mind:1) Don’t be intimidated by electronic voting machines. There are simple instructions in English, Spanish, and Tea Party. 2) Your vote is precious. Politicians have spent billions trying to buy it. 3) Please vote because every vote is counted. (Offer not available in Florida.)
October 6, 2010
Hillary to Become VP; Biden Named President of Afghanistan; Karzai Traded to Minnesota Vikings
Historic Three-Way Swap
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become Vice President of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become President of Afghanistan, and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings. President Barack Obama made the stunning announcement at the White House today, using a PowerPoint demonstration to explain a personnel move that still left many scratching their heads. “I am confident that Hillary and Joe are up to speed and ready to go in their new jobs,” he said. “And I expect Karzai to be in shape by midseason.” When asked if the complicated swap might confuse voters in advance of the midterm elections, the President said, “I certainly hope so.” If all goes according to plan, Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden will assume their new roles effective immediately, while Mr. Karzai is expected to start at wide receiver against the Arizona Cardinals on November 7. While many in official Washington were trying to make sense of the stunning announcement, former President Bill Clinton gave the three-way sway a thumbs-up: “Everything about the phrase ‘three-way swap’ appeals to me.” Journalist Bob Woodward, who was privy to the negotiations behind the swap, portrayed Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden as amenable to their new jobs, with only Mr. Karzai dragging his feet: “He was concerned that a football helmet would not fit over his precious hat.” Mr. Woodward said he had more inside information about the deal, “but I’m writing about it in a new book, which will be out later this week.” Reached at the Vikings’ practice facility, Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre said he was “blown away” by the news: “I actually retired this morning, but this changes everything.”
May 22, 2010
Poll: Rand Paul Surges Ahead of Palin Among Voters Who Describe Themselves as Morons
Key Constituency for Two Hopefuls
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - In a sign of his increasing prominence in the so-called Tea Party movement, a new poll shows Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul topping former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin among voters who describe themselves as morons.In the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, 42% preferred Paul, 36% preferred Palin, and the remaining 22% were unsure what the word “prefer” meant.According to Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota, Paul’s surging popularity among morons is bad news for Palin, who previously had a lock on that important constituency.“I never thought I’d say this, but if Palin is going to stay competitive with Paul, she’s going to have to start dumbing down her message.”
April 28, 2010
Goldman to Employ So-called ‘Douchebag Defense’
Fabrice Tourre to be Exhibit A
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In the event of a criminal case against the banking giant, Goldman Sachs is planning to employ a rarely-used legal strategy known as the “douchebag defense,” sources confirmed today.Davis Logsdon, Dean of the University of Minnesota School of Law, summarized the unorthodox strategy: “Basically, they will be arguing that the Goldman executives had no control over their actions because they are ginormous dicks.”“Exhibit A” if the bank decides to go forward with the douchebag defense will be Goldman banker Fabrice “Fabulous Fab” Tourre.“I think the government would have a hard time arguing that he was not an egregious douche,” Logsdon said.In order to establish Tourre’s douchebag bona fides, Goldman’s lawyers would most likely offer up his emails, his Facebook profile, and several of his ex-girlfriends.Jury selection could also be key to the success of Goldman’s douchebag defense strategy, Logsdon said.“Goldman’s dream jury would be made up of twelve angry dickwads,” Logsdon said. “In New York, that shouldn’t be hard to find.”
April 12, 2010
Palin, Bachmann Seek Two Additional Horsemen
Send Out Call at Tea Party Rally
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – Making a joint appearance at a Tea Party rally in Minneapolis, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and Rep. Michele Bachmann put out a cryptic call for “two more horsemen” to join their movement.“Michele and me, that’s two horsemen right there,” Gov. Palin told the exuberant crowd. “You add two more horsemen into the mix and we’ll be good to go.”While the two politicians were cagey about what the duties of the aforementioned horsemen would be, Rep. Bachmann said, “You can bet it will be a mission to end all missions.”According to a source close to the two politicians, they have already drawn up a list of possible candidates for the additional two horsemen, a list which includes Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and the entire Cheney family.“It’s a long list,” the source said. “If you add up everyone on the list the number you get is 666.”The Tea Party rally featuring Palin and Bachmann received wide coverage, including in the collected works of Nostradamus and in the prophecies of ancient Mayans.
March 26, 2010
Obama's Obscure Pronunciation of "Nuclear" Breaks with Tradition
Little Heard Since Carter Presidency, Historians Say
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In what some are calling the boldest move of his Presidency, Barack Obama broke with a time-honored tradition observed by several U.S. Presidents including George W. Bush by pronouncing the word "nuclear" as it appears in the dictionary.Announcing the new weapons pact with Russia today, Mr. Obama repeatedly pronounced the word "nuclear" in a way that has rarely been used by a U.S. President since Jimmy Carter was in the White House.But according to Davis Logsdon, a professor of international relations at the University of Minnesota, Mr. Obama's pronunciation of "nuclear" may have been key to the diplomatic breakthrough: "The Russians have heard Presidents pronounce it "nucular" for so long, they may have thought he was offering something new."Mr. Obama's obscure pronunciation of "nuclear" drew harsh reactions from members of the Tea Party movement, who see the President's obsession with correct English usage as an attempt to make the nation more European.A sign at a recent Teabagger rally read, "Obama Wants to Disconnect Your Granma (sic) and Correct Your Gramar (sic)."Elsewhere, Sarah Palin campaigned for John McCain today in a bid to shore up his support among morons
This guy is my new hero...Texas Explains Decision on History Textbooks
Official Statement from Texas State Board of Education
AUSTIN, TX (The Borowitz Report) – Attempting to explain its controversial decision to revamp its history textbooks, The Texas State Board of Education issued an official statement today.The one-sentence statement reads as follows: “If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected President, you’d throw out your history books, too.”In other news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said it had been difficult to get Republicans to vote for health care because of a “tactical error” by President Obama: “He should have called it ‘gun care.’”Elsewhere, employment numbers were up, largely due to the government’s decision to start counting people working on Farmville.
March 15, 2010
GQ Recalls New Issue After Rielle Hunter Photo Spread Causes Nausea
Emergency Rooms Overflowing
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In a move that many in the magazine world called unprecedented, GQ today recalled the entire print run of its new issue after a photo spread featuring John Edwards mistress Rielle Hunter was found to cause nausea and in some cases projectile vomiting.“We at GQ want our readers to know that we are doing everything in our power to avert a public health catastrophe,” said magazine spokesperson Carol Foyler. “And if that means tracking down every last copy of those Rielle Hunter pictures and destroying them, that’s what we’re going to do.”As emergency rooms across the country overflowed with people who had unwittingly opened the latest GQ and seen the Hunter photos, fresh concerns were raised over the existence of a John Edwards-Rielle Hunter sex tape.Rand Deckle, press spokesman for the National Institutes of Health, issued this statement on the matter: “Given the health crisis that the Rielle Hunter photos have created, it is imperative that every copy of that sex tape be secured and buried in the center of the Earth.”Elsewhere, former Rep. Eric Massa today said he was unworried about a possible ethics investigation, telling reporters, “I welcome a probe, because it always feels good in the end.”
DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – General Motors’ decision yesterday to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: America’s assholes.Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises.Tracy Klugian, a realtor in Tempe, Arizona, said that he would consider buying a boat with an annoyingly loud sound system, “but it just won’t say ‘asshole’ like a Hummer does.”Mr. Klugian, whose penis has been described as “microscopic,” also questioned the timing of GM’s decision.“Right now, the Hummer is the only thing on the road capable of stopping a Toyota,” he saidI love this guy...he makes me laugh..and laugh...and laugh..
