I HAVE BEEN A FAN OF HIS SINCE I WAS ABOUT 9 YEAS OLD AND READ RHURBARB....HE WRITES GOOD...LOVE HIS TITLES...:LOW MAN ON THE TOTEM POLE, LOST IN THE HORSE LATITUDES, WIKIKI BEACHNUT, PIG IN A BARBER SHOP. ALSO WROTE ONE OF THE GREATEST CHILIE BOOKS...HE WAS ONE OF THE COOKS AT THE FIRST TERILINGUA CHILIE COOK OFF BACK IN THE 50''S...BUT THIS LITTLE DITTY THAT IM GOING TO COPY OUT FOR YOU IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES....HOPE YOU ENJOY...
CHOOSING A MONARCH BY H.ALLEN SMITH
BE IT KNOWN THAT IN THE ANCIENT KINGDOM OF SIAM A MOST INGENIOUS METHOD WAS EMPLOYEDIN THE SELECTION OF A RULER. IT WAS NOT ONLY A MARVELOUS SYSTEM BUT, IN A SENSE, A DEMOCRATIC ONE.
THE OLD KING DIED, AND A NEW ONE HAD TO BE CHOSEN. THE FIRST STEP WAS TO DISPATCH ANNAMESE SCOUTS INTO EVERY CRANNY OF THE KINGDOM IN SEARCH OF CANDIDATES FOR THE THRONE, SUBJECT TO A SERVERE TESTING.
NOW ANOTHER CONTINGENT OF SCOUTS, FROM THE LAWA AND YAO TIN, WENT FORTH UPON THE LAND IN SEARCH OF OF THE FIVE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAIDENS AMONGST THE POPULACE..YOUNG WOMEN OF STUNNING BEARTY, INCREDIBLE SHAPELENESS AND UNTRAMMELED PASSION.
WHEN THE FIVE YOUNG MEN AND THE FIVE GORGEOUS GIRLS HAD BEEN CHOSEN, THE GREAT DAY WAS ANNOUNCED. THE CONTEST WAS HELD AT MIDDAY IN A GREAT ARENA AND THE PEOPLE OF SIAM GATHERED FROM FAR AND WIDE TO WITNESS THE CEREMONY. THE MOMENT HAD COME FOR SELECTION OF THE LORD OF LIFE, DESCENDANT OF BUDDAH, SUPREME ARBITER OF THE EBB AND FLOW OF THE TIDE, BROTHER OF THE MOON, HALF-BROTHER OF THE SUN, POSSESSOR OF THE TWENTY-FOUR GILDED UMBRELLAS, SPITTER IN THE GOLDEN SPITTOON.
THE FIVE STOUTLY HANDSOME YOUNG MEN LINED UP NAKED ON THE FIELD. TWENTY FEET IN FRONT OF THEM STOOD THE FIVE LOVELY YOUNG WOMEN, EACH NAKED AND EACH CARRYING A BRASS POT FILLED WITH FINE HONEY. WHEN ALL WAS IN REDINESS, THE ROYCAL GAKLUK, CLAD IN CRIMSON PANUNG SMOTE A MIGHTY BLOW ON THE SUKHOTAI DRUM AS A SIGNAL FOR COMMENCEMENT OF THE CEREMONY. LESSER TIMPANI THROBBED IN THE BACKGROUND AS THE FIVE GIRLS MOVED FORWARD WITH GRACEFUL STEP. EACH TOOK HER POSITION FACE TO FACE WITH ONE FO THE YOUNG MEN, THEN DROPPED TO HER KNEES, AND WITH HER RIGHT HAND TOOK HONEY FROM THE BRASS POT ADN BEGAN SMEARING IT LIBERALLY, AND CARESSINGLY OVER THE YOUNG MAN''S LOWER ABDOMEN;AT THE SAME TIME SHE EMPLOYED HER LEFT HAND IN LITTLE PATS AND CARESSES OF LOVE. FIVE STOUT BOWSPRITS STOOD FORTH FOR ALL TO SEE.
WHEN EACH CANDIDATE HAD BEEN GIVEN AN ADEQUATE COATING OF HONEY, SUFFICIENT FO BEGIN ATTRACTING SWARMS OF LARGE SIAMESE FLIES, THE SUKHOTAI DRUM BOOMED ONCE AGAIN AND THE GIRLS STOOD UP. ANOTHER SIGNAL AND EACH BEAUTY MARCHED AROUND HER YOUNG MAN, STOOD DIRECTLY BEHIND HIM, AND THEN AGAIN DROPPED TO HER KNEES. NOW EACH GIRL ON SIGNAL REACHED THROUGH THE STURDY LEGS AND TOOK HOLD OF THE PROUD BOWSPRIT AND, TUGGING WITH MIGHT AND MAIN, BENT IT DOWNWARD AND PULLED IT BACKWARD THROUGH THE LEGS AND THEN UPWARD.
ALL WAS READY. THE ROYCAL HAKLUCK SWUNG HIS GREAT KLETKI AGAINST THE DRUM, AND EACH GIRL LET GO, AND THERE WERE FIVE SIMULTANEOUS AND LIGHTNING LIKE SWICHES AS FIVE BOWSPRITS CRACKED AGAINST THEIR OWNERS ABDOMENS.
THE ONE THAT KILLED THE MOST FLIES..THAT WAS THE NEW KING...
HENCE THE NAME OF THE GREAT CAPITAL CITY.............BANGKOK...
OK, SO HE WENT ALONG WAY FOR THE JOKE...
I WROTE HIM TO TELL HIM HOW MUCH I LOVED HIS BOOKS ETC, AND WE WROTE FOR YEARS.. UP UNTIL HIS DEATH IN THE 80''S... I MISS HIS WIT...AND HOPE HIS FAMILY DOESNT SUE ME FOR PRINTING THIS WITHOUT PERMISSION...CHECK HIM OUT..MOST LIBRAIES MIGHT NOT CARRY HIM. BUT CAN FIND HIM IN USED BOOK STORES FOR AROUND $4 OR SO...MAN HE WAS FUNNY
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