SOUND BITES...

NOT ALL REPLUBLICANS ARE ASSHOLES...
NOT ALL ASSHOLES ARE REPLUBLICANS...
I AM THE REIGNING QUEEN OF ASSHOLES...THANK YOU VERY MUCH..
I HAVE BEEN COOKING SINCE I WAS 16 YEARS OLD..I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO MAKE GOOD UNLUMPY GRAVY..USED TO BE I WOULD TELL PEOPLE THE LUMPS IN THE GRAVY WERE DUMPINGS... BUT NO MORE ..I MAKE EXCELLENT GRAVY NOW..AND WHY IS THAT...BECAUSE I MAKE IT EVERY NIGHT TO PUT ON MY DOGS DRY DOG FOOD...I AM SUCH A SCHMUCK
I TRULY BELIEVE THAT ANYONE THAT VOTED FOR BUSH 2 TIMES AND STILL THINKS HE IS DOING AN OK JOB....HAS A SERIOUS CHARACTER FLAW...
MY FAVORITE TSHIRT SAYS: ''ITS A HIPPY THING, YOU WOULDNT UNDERSTAND''
MY SECOND FAVORITE TSHIRT SAYS:''WHAT WOULD WAYLON DO?'' IN REFERENCE TO MY MUSICAL HERO, WAYLON JENNINGS..
MY 3RD FAVORITE TSHIRT SAYS ON THE FRON:''MAKE 7''
AND ON THE BACK IT SAYS:''UP YOURS...''..
DOESNT TAKE MUCH TO MAKE MY GIDDY WITH LAUGHTER..LIKE WED NIGHT ON DAVID LETTERMAN WHEN THE TWO ARMADILLO''S STARTED SCREWING ON HIS DESK...I LAUGHED SO HARD, I PEED MYSELF...
THURSDAY WAS NATIONAL PRAYER DAY..SO TO MAKE MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS HAPPY..I PRAYED...AND I PRAYED...AND I PRAYED SOME MORE...BUT KING GEORGE WAS STILL PRESIDENT
SO SINCE THAT WAS A BUST I PRAYED...I PRAYED..AND I PRAYED SOME MORE...THAT ALL THOSE RIGHEOUS CHRISTIAN RIGHT FOLK GO TO MEET JESUS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE..IM STILL WAITING
RECOMMENDED READING..KINKY FRIEDMAN''S GUIDE TO TEXAS ETIQUETTE... I LOVE KINKY...HE IS RUNNING FOR GOV. OF TEXAS AS AN INDEPENDENT..IM VOTING FOR HIM...CANT FUCK UP TEXAS ANY MORE THAN BUSH AND PERRY HAVE.
IM SUCH A SAP..WATCHED THE HALLMARK CARD MOVIE OF THE WEEK WITH ROSIE ODONNELL.AND CRIED AT EVERY ONE OF THE HALLMARK CARD COMMERCIALS....WHAT A WUSSY I AM
I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH ELVIS''S WIFE PRISCILLA..SHE AGED MUCH BETTER THAN I DID..BUT SHE IS YOUNGER AND HAS HAD MORE SURGERIES THAN ME...
I BOUGHT A DIET/HEALTH BOOK, A TAI CHI DVD AND BOTH ARE STILL IN THE SHRINK WRAP..NEXT TO AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF DR.PEPPER AND A HALF EATEN BAG OF PRETZELS..
IF I HAD TO HAUL ASS......IT WOULD TAKE TWO TRIPS
I GO TO THE LOCAL CATHOLIC CHURCH AND LIGHT CANDLES FOR MY FRIENDS AND PRAY OUT LOUD TO JESUS''S MOTHER...MAKES THE LITTLE CZECH LADIES SO NERVOUS THEY NOW ALL SIT IN THE BACK ROW...IF THEY MOVE ANY FARTHER AWAY FROM ME..THEY''LL BE IN THE PARKING LOT..
I COULD NEVER HAVE A ROMANCE WITH A GUY THAT DIDNT KNOW WHO THE CISCO KID WAS
IN TEXAS WE HAVE AN EXPRESSION THAT FITS KING GEORGE TO A T..."ALL HAT AND NO CATTLE"
ON THAT NOTE IM GOING TO READ YOU THE MOTHER''S DAY CARD I GOT MY MY 31 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WHO LIVES FAR AWAY IN THE CITY BY THE BAY..SHE IS IN RESIDENTIAL REHAB FOR ALCAHOL..
SHE SENT A BEAUTIFUL CARD AND INSIDE SHE WROTE:"MOM, SORRY I AM SO FAR AWAY FROM YOU ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY. THANK YOU FOR BEING MY MOM AND GIVING ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE..THANKS FOR RAISING ME TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND FOR PASSING ON YOUR STRENGTH AND HUMOR. I WOULDNT BE STARTING OUT MY NEW SOBER LIFE IN SAN FRANCISCO IF YOU HADN''T RAISED ME THE WAY YOU HAD. I AM ABLE TO LIVE OUT MY DREAM BECAUSE OF THE STRONG WILL YOU INSTILLED IN ME..I THANK YOU FOR ALL THESE THINGS AND SO MUCH MORE BUT MOST OF ALL THANKS FOR BEING MY MOM..."
WELL..I WEPT...HOP ALL YOU MOTHER''S OUT THERE HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY......