I'm a liberal pagan living in West,Texas..yes that West,Texas

Monday, December 24, 2018

I haz the sadz

2018 has sucked...I am usually a take a licking' and keep on ticking kinda old lady..always have been and always thought I would be..but this year, especially the past six months have gutted me..and the sad thing is the lost of Dexter was the worse..I mean I lost my oldest son and his father, my best friend, and 2 other good friends and Dexter dying is the one that did me in..I cry every day..If you put your hand on me I cry, if you ask me how I am I cry, if I see anything that remotely reminds me of Dexter I cry.I'm crying right now..
I generally am able to hold it together most of the time..but at the oddest moments I just fucking lose it..Cujo has offered me something to take but I don't want to take anything..but I may have to even if I don't want to, standing in the cat aisle at Walmart bawling like a baby is kind of a pain in the ass and pretty embarrassing..
I manage to keep it together around the family especially the gg's but Abby sensing that I'm sad and comforts me like I usually do her.
I really have to force myself to do these posts..but in a way it helps..so I will do them as long as I can muster up giving a fuck...
I apologize to you all that I haven't been around to check out your blogs..but I'm lacking the motivation to do anything but the bare minimum..

19 comments:

Genevieve said...

Don’t know if it will help or if you can even accept but I am very sorry you are going through these very sad and emotional times. Truly. Be strong for you. And us cause we really need your I don’t give a fuck attitude.

amyj said...

YDG Take heart. This a bad time for all of us that get the sadz. You need some down time--take it. We love you.

yellowdoggranny said...

it means a lot Genevieve...thanks..
amyj I think the entire country (with the exception of them fucking trump supporters) has the sadz..

Raven Onthill said...

Sympathies.

wibble said...

...You should haza mail. :)

Adam said...

That is a horrible year, I don't think there are many on Earth that experience all of those tragedies at once. My condolences.

Alison said...

I understand the feeling. I get the doldrums every year in the fall, heading into the holidays. I don't know if it has anything to do with my mom passing away on Christmas Day several years ago or not, I mean, I know I've felt this way for a long time. You've had a horrible year and all I can offer is a virtual hug. Hope you feel better soon.

Leanna said...

It seems that ever since the Mango Mussolini became the sniveling, lying, Putin ass-kissing OverLord everything has gone downhill. I understand you're feeling so bad because you have lost so much all at once in less than six months but you should be happy that the grandchildren are there to brighten your days.
I'm was having the black dogs(anxiety and depression) visit as I call it. It started when my back, hip and shoulder pain and stiffness started a month ago. Lupus and arthritis SUCKS the big one. But you need to take something to send the black dogs away. At least try for a little while to see if you will feel better. It has helped me, although I cried when I read your blog this morning.
Anywho, please get something to take the edge off. I wish all us old folks could get 5 lbs of the best top shelf from Willie for Yule. Wake and Bake would be my motto on my blog for sure. but all I can do is wish you the happiest of Yuletide Blessings and let's hope the New Year brings happiness and a double impeachment so the Democrats will take over the White House again and peace and knowledge will reign over our poor sorry land.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I honour your grief about Dexter and all your other losses this year. Sending you a big hug for what that's worth, Jackiesue. May the Goddess bless you and bring heart's ease when the time is right.

Her Royal Highness said...

YDG, we're having a big Yule celebration here today over the Rainbow Bridge. All the mice we cats can eat and all the catnip we can snort! Plus a big tree to destroy all the ornaments on! Anyway, just wanted to let you know that me 'n Dexter are hanging out here together. He's missing you and sends big hugs 'n purrs. He'd rather be home with you but if he can't, well, he's living a good afterlife here, just so you know.

carolyn said...

We love you YDG. You have had the year from hell, so don't worry about grieving when you need to. Hopefully with time things will get better. Thinking of you.

squatlo said...

We love your posts, ma'am. Please take care of yourself. Talk to a professional, and let them know how you're feeling.

Hope you find some peace.

Merry Christmas, and hope all of future Christmas days are happy and bright.

Ol'Buzzard said...

Nothing can truly help but the passage of time. Part of your heart was lost with Dexter. Just know that there are people who read you that truly care and are hurting that you are hurting. Morn Dexter: it's OK.
the Ol'Buzzard

Vivian Swift said...

Ol'Buzzard said it, what I wanted to say. Sometimes it does seem that life is just one big shit eating contest, and maybe that's just what it is, but it's all we got on this planet. I don't know why evil takes up such a huge part of every day, evil and sorrow and death, but it does and for you and me, it will be over soon enough. We are just blips in the energy pattern that began billions off ears ago...and some days, when it's too hard to hold out against the darkness, it's OK to give up FOR NOW. Rest, grieve, remember, rage -- and then do what we all do to survive: we patch up our battered souls and we make it through another day without killing anybody, or ourselves.

A little bit of the dwindling supply of living pure love that's left in the world vanished when Dexter died -- that's what all our sweet companions take away with them. But the way we remember them, with hearts full of joy and gratitude for having had them in our lives, replenishes the positive energy that need to carry on. I really believe that.

XXOO

Jono said...

If I could give you a hug, I would, and you can cry all you want. That's okay.

yellowdoggranny said...

I think I may be over the hump..I can go an entire 8 hours without crying..Abby and Olivia have been here this week and that makes it better..can't cry with those 2 around.they make fun of me.

angi said...

Sending you hugs and laughs when possible.

JustGail said...

I've only recently found your blog, somehow I got wandered over from a quilting or needlework blog. I enjoy your posts, I don't know where you find some of the things you put on here, but I've laughed out loud on some of them. Thank you for bringing a little humour to my life. The Ol' Buzzard says you're needing some cheering up and perhaps some reassurance that you're not the only one who's cried more buckets of tears for a pet than for humans...

I think the reason the loss of pets hit us so hard is they accept us as we are, not questioning our thoughts or actions. Well, except for when we don't get them fed when they think we should. Or when the crate comes out to take them to the vet. They don't care if we don't comb our hair until noon, how much we weigh, what our thoughts on politics are, what color (or even if) we paint a room, or keep reminding you of past mistakes or that you can always do better no matter how good you are doing.... Twenty years ago we had a cat that lived to be 17-18. Like you, I cried more when he had to be euthanized than I did when Mom or Dad passed. I have a cat that's now 17. or 18?. I suspect I'll cry my eyes out when it's his time as well.

All that to say I understand about being hit by Dexter the hardest. Anyone who takes you to task over it is an unfeeling ass. It will be a bit, then you'll be remembering Dexter with fond memories and a smile.

yellowdoggranny said...

thank you Justgail...I appreciate so much you and everyone being so kind and it really does help...thanks so much