Saturday, February 28, 2009
So...yafta go to this website and visit my friend Kevin. Yafta.
"WHY"....you say?....because I said so dammit.. and because he's smart, funny, makes up great words like fantesticle, blorg(blog), and many many more. His blog is funny, nasty, mean, retarded(if you think the word retarded is a mean spirited word, you might be right...but in the context that it is used on Kevin's blog it is meant to cover all us jackasses that do stupid, unhip things...I am Texatard. His blorg makes you think, and gives you something to talk about besides politics. Although you will love it when he does get started on politics..For you see, my friend Kevin and his partner R. of 20 years(yes, 20 fucking years) are parents of 4 of the most terrific kids you have ever seen. 4 kids that no one wanted, because they had been abused in every horrible way you can imagine..No 'straight, heterosexual baby saving Republican Christian wanted them because they weren't sweet rosy faced little precious babies...But these 2 terrific people that are treated like second classed citizens, didn't care...they saw the need and had the love...so they adopted them..Not even all at once..Adopted 2 and then found out they had another brother and a sister and took them too. But because they are second classed citizens, only one of their names are on the birth certificate..how's that for justice...Anyhow...(steps down off the soap box) you must check out my friends blog...stop in...say howdy...leave a comment...tell him Jackie sent you...come back for some more visits...you'll be glad you did...
While your out visiting..you can also stop by and visit my friend Tex. http://bluebeerriver.blogspot.com/
He doesn't believe in Global warming, but does believe in legalizing marijuana, and that the Bushes had something to do with 9-11...He's also smart and very funny...unfortunately...he's straight(he is from Oklahoma) but he's like me...straight but not narrow...drop by and say howdy to him for me too....
This isn't a request.............this is a fucking order...please..
speaking of marijuana..when my kids were little...they used to play "narks and heads"..instead of cowboys and Indians..
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
This may be tricky..Annie has decided I spend too much time on this machine and she has taken to sitting right in front of the screen, giving me the death watch look. Which means that I have grown sick and tired of buying canned cat food and having her eat 2 bites and then look at me like I'm trying to poison her..So I am feeding her dry food only...Thus the death watch. Right now she has positioned herself behind the screen and all I can see is the one eye and ear...It's starting to creep me out..Every time I get up she takes this as a sign I'm going to feed her..ha! fat chance.. Every time I go to the bathroom she follows me..sits directly in front of me and gives me the 'look'..Do you know how hard it is to pee while she is giving me the 'look?'...Well, actually not hard at all as every time I cough I pee so usually I have no trouble peeing...but still..A girl's got to have SOME privacy. Yes, I still have my cough..going on 5 months now..Dr. E gave me Allegra, some nose spray and I bought some cough drops and a bottle of Robitussin. Which tastes like shit and fucks with my blood sugar but at least I got more than 2 hours sleep last night. Probably the alcohol..As a alcoholic I'm not supposed to drink anything with alcohol but I'm so far past that I don't even think about it..I'm more apt to get hit by a run away steer than I am drinking again. If I DO think about it..all it takes is one trip to Strickly Country and gaze around the bar at all the old drunks sitting at the same table talking about the same ole bullshit to remind me what I'd have to look forward too...No thanks..I just had a bar of soap. My friend David O's plant got shut down so he is out of work..He had enough money in his 401K to pay off his car and all his bills and now can sit on his ass and draw his employment check...I have a feeling he's going to be spending a lot of time on the golf course, his true passion. But that's fixing to change too....His oldest daughter is going to have a baby and my old buddy is going to be a grandpa...I laughed so hard I peed myself...(which I do regularly anyhow)..I haven't talked to him yet but I can't wait to welcome him to the club.(oh fuck..here comes Annie.)She's giving me the 'look' again. o0(those were Annie's little paw tricks)Babs and I are trying to figure out what is triggering my cough..Every time I sit down at the computer I have a coughing fit. So I took out the rug, moved my plants outside, threw away all the funky smelling candles, incense and I moved the microwave. It's officially in the kitchen but the back of it juts out into the area right by the computer, so I figured what the hell I'll move it too. I'm also taking a look at the two headed rag doll..It's old and Goddess knows where it came from...I'm afraid to wash it for fear it'll fall apart. I had a old African type basket that was full of dry moss and sachet bags ...I emptied it and when Babs mentioned that she liked it I gave it to her..Let it make her cough..ha I think it may have worked as I'm not coughing and that's a first..Don't know which one it was, might be a combination of all of them for all I know..Just seems weird that my entire life I have never been allergic to anything, except for pain pills. Well, I lied..I'm allergic to cedar and rag weed..Every time a cedar tree fucks I sneeze and my nose runs..But nothing ever made me cough..at least not for 5 fucking months..sigh*I go back to the feetsie Dr. the 24th...whoopty fuck!Oh, I almost forgot...2 not local guys broke into the Old Corner Drug store and made off with about $3,000 worth of drugs. I'm assuming they weren't vitamins. The same two had stolen a check from some business on I-35 and took it to the State National Bank here in West and cashed it...So I guess that would be considered a crime spree. You all should be in town this weekend, the West CDA are making buchtas...which are so good. I like the ones with nuts and honey. But can't eat them so all I can do is drive by where they are baking them and smell them baking. I really enjoyed working at the library last Wed. It was a little slow so I read Carrie Fishers last book (I worked 5 hours so you can see how small the book is) it was hysterical..She is just the smartest funniest woman around. I also had enough time to take a book cart full of donated books and look them up on the catalog and separate the new/we don't have on shelf books from the old we already have 3 copies of that book, for the book sale. Nancy went to a workshop and was bitching in e-mails the next day because she got sucked into making 40 dozen cupcakes for the Mardi Gras celebration at the library for the kids...The Tale Tellers will be presenting the Greentail Mouse and help the kids decorate their own masks for the parade they will have...Three or four organizations are having chili and stew suppers to raise money. Raising it for the Machac boy who has cancer. One of the oldest business's in West is closing down. Freaked me out. It's Joanna's Bridal Dresses. She's been here for EVER and every girl and boy who has graduated or gotten married got their dress and tux there. She had bridal gowns, prom dresses, maid of honor, mother of the bride, flower girl, ring bearer, etc.. She carried all the paraphernalia for weddings, anniversary's and graduations. Really sad..Now everyone will have to go to 'town' Fritz and Dina Nemecek are celebrating their 70th anniversary. Holy shit! Noticed in the paper today that my old boyfriend Roger S. (the one that made me give up sex)son was awarded a full 4-year ROTC scholarship to Tarleton State University at Stephenville. He's a cute kid and a sweety and thankfully, nothing like his father. My loan manager's little grandson Coy had his 2nd birthday with a winter wonderland birthday party. He is soo cute.
Oh the big news..we became internationally know this past week. That meteorite that entered the atmosphere and burnt out threw little pieces of itself all over West. Well not all over, they only found 2 small pieces so far, but now every yahoo who ever got a B in science class is wandering around West looking for pieces of the meteor. Babs and I thought about it..but we decided to wait till they found something then lure them into the bushes with offers of sex and kolaches and hijack their find. We haven't really thought this out very much or we wouldn't even worry about the kolaches. Those science nerds probably have never been laid..But then I haven't had sex in almost 24 years so we might have to have a lab class first.We have had some more of our famous 'what the fuck' weather..One day it was 80 fucking degrees out and that night it was 28. Next day 60..low of 55...Next day 77 low of 35...I'm telling you.you don't know how to dress because the weather changes in hours, and everyone I know is suffering with either colds, the flu or allergies..Central Texas where germs go to breed. sigh*...Well, have to go...my favorite cooking show is on..The barefoot contessa. I'm such a schmuck...I had watched her shows for years but never paid any attention to what her name was..then one day I see this ad for her show ..it says 'The Barefoot Contessa'...and at the bottom it says Ina Garten. So I think oh, look it's a play on the old Iron Butterfly song "Innagardenaden baby'...(in the garden of Eden for you that don't know the song) and then after a few weeks I realized it had nothing to do with Iron Butterfly ..it's her fucking name. I need to get out more. fuckme I'll never take acid again.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
THE CHRONICLES OF JERRYWORLD
"I apologize to those of you that really do not follow pro football, I have to do this for me, Babs (dear friend) and J.S.,... look at it for what it is, just a rant based upon past fan worship on my account, something for J.S. to get her blood boiling, LOL." Sooner
P.S., I do not expect much of a response other than, who gives a shit. But to some that are fanatics and live in the Southwest it will deliver stomach cramps and hemorrhaging... and fuck it, I guess I care enough to be pissed....
A Glossary of Terminology
The new 1.1 Billion dollar N.F.L. stadium in Texas, "THE CIRCUS", "The Fetid Incomprehensible Mess that resides in Valley Ranch (Headquarters)", "Camera/Tabloid/ESPN/Drama/JerryMasturbatingWorld"
Billionaire and owner of the Dallas Cowboys, "Skeletor", "The False Prophet", "The God Almighty of the Blue Star", "The Drama King"
Head Football Coach of the Dallas Cowboys, " The Puppet" , "Press Conference Rigormortis Administrator", "Mumble, Sigh and Explain Expert in Damage Control"
Starting Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, "I'm Porking Jessica Simpson Dude", "The Knight of Improvisation", " N.F.L. Player's Assoc. President of Post Game Apology Speeches", "One half of the equation that I call 'Romessica'-Tony Romo/Jessica Simpson " (Brangelina, Tomcat, etc. until I vomit up my bleeding rectum)
Terrell (T.O.) Owens:
Wide Receiver of the Dallas Cowboys, "The Great Satan", "He Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken", "Legion", "The Reigning Guinness Book of World Records Holder for Football Crying", "Tumor"
Our venerable news gatherers: "A vicious pack of scroungy tick-infested hounds packing microphones and video cameras dedicated to the sole pursuit of smearing runny shit on anything resembling the Dallas Cowboys franchise", "The Unbiased Truth", "Circus Goer's", "Media 'Disease' Reporting Task Force"
Adam "Pacman" Jones, former 1'st round pick: "The Rainmaker" (this will be explained), "Gangsta", "Un-employed no-house criminal apprentice", "Body Guard Phobiac"
Ex head coach of the Cowboys, "BIG BILL", "THE Bitchmaster General", "Grand Wizard empowered with THE STARE OF DEATH" (Players committing a penalty would pull out a pistol and suck on the business end of a 9mm rather than face the STARE", "Genghis H. Lombardi" (the H. abbreviated for Hitler)
Now you know the terminology, the characters and the mindset of Jerryworld.
A brief preface:
Jerry Jones purchased the Dallas Cowboys from Bum Bright in 1989 for $150 million.
An article from Forbes Magazine, dated September 10, 2008, lists the Cowboys as the most valuable sports franchise in the United States, and second in the world (behind the United Kingdom's Manchester United), with an estimated value of approximately $1.612 billion, ahead of the Washington Redskins ($1.538 billion) and the New England Patriots ($1.324 billion). They are also one of the wealthiest teams in the NFL, generating almost $269 million in annual revenue.
"These factoids courtesy of Wikipedia"
Now, this increase in value can be attributed to several factors, but mainly it is because of the RECENT popularity of the NFL on the world stage. The Super Bowl is annually the most watched television event in the world.
Given, Skeletor is a shrewd businessman, but his General Management decisions leave much to be desired.
So let's analyze the dumpster fire that is the Dallas Cowboys.
Fueling the Fire
So how did the dumpster fire start? Well, in all actuality it has been smoldering for years. With questionable acquisitions of criminal free agents, to boldly inviting camera crews to witness the implosions of numerous training camps, Skeletor has efficiently rendered his franchise into a stuttering stammering calf-scramble of "damage control".
"Questionable acquisitions" include two criminals, Tank Johnson and Adam "Pacman" Jones. You should be able to find their rap sheets just about anywhere on the web.
Given, Pacman has been released from the organization, but his foul residue still taints Valley Ranch.
His last straw was getting into a fight with HIS body guard in a hotel bathroom, a baby sitter whose only sole purpose was to keep this nut from getting into trouble. I call him the 'Rainmaker", because of his penchant for going to strip bars and "raining" money on the dancers. Allegedly he also ordered a "hit" on some fucker that was messing with his entourage'. What a piece of work.
Tank just gets caught with guns a lot and drives way too fast for police officer standards. The rehabilitated Tank is still with the team, and he tried to mentor Pacman, (along with Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders, and N.F.L. commissioner Roger Goodell) but to no avail. Now Pacman can rain on anything he so chooses, but most likely money will not be in the equation.
And then we get to the tumor of the cancer, T.O. (TumOr).
See bi-polar, sociopath and tumor in your dictionary. And how do I arrive to these conclusions...how about a brief summary of a few of his controversies:
1. While a San Francisco 49er, a flippant insinuation that former San Francisco Quarterback Jeff Garcia was a homosexual, even though he is and was married to a SMOKING HOT wife. This does not mean he's not gay, but why?
2. While a Philadelphia Eagle, disrupting the Philadelphia Eagles organization in such a matter that he was PAID TO LEAVE.
This after he on countless occasions threw wall-eyed hissy fits on national T.V. and bickered with his teammates and coaching staff. I think that Donovan McNabb cried over countless bowls of Campbell's soup at his Momma's because of ....
3. Now a Cowboy, spitting in DeAngelo Hall's (Atlanta Falcons) face in a televised game, his response, "I got frustrated and I apologize for that". What the fuck? I get frustrated at women, but I do not SPIT in their faces, unless I am invited to do so.
4. In 2006 he overdosed on Hydrocodone in his apartment, his "publicist" Kim Etheridge (looked and spoke a lot like Paula Abdul on a 3-day bender) called in the E.M.T's and was subsequently fired for effectively saving his life. The media coverage was incredible, and in effect Skeletor gets some baggage to go with the Tumor, who is in 2'nd place for all-time T.D. receptions in the N.F.L. behind the venerable Jerry Rice, who he supplanted in San Francisco.
5. Turning on the tears when Tony Romo fumbled the ill-fated snap for the game winning field goal against Seattle in Bill Parcell's last game as head coach. I am sure that Big Bill just said "Fuckit, I'll go to a truly abysmal team and get TOTAL CONTROL and rebuild it", thus the Miami Dolphins 2008 success.
There is no crying in football, with the exceptions of your nuts getting ripped off and flung into the stands, or your Momma dying in a car accident coming to your game
Now, as badly as he needs to be removed from the team, who will replace him?
With glazed eyes and a full erection, Skeletor dismantled the old guard and ushered in the new.
"Well, I'll fire head coach Tom Landry, force out general manager Tex Shramm."
"During this run, he (Landry) won 2 Super Bowl titles (1972, 1978), 5 NFC titles, 13 Divisional titles, and compiled a 270-178-6 record, the 3rd most wins of all time for an NFL coach. His 20 career playoff victories are the most of any coach in NFL history. He was the NFL Coach of the Year in 1966 and the NFC Coach of the Year in 1975. But one of the most impressive accomplishments is his record for coaching a team to 20 consecutive winning seasons (1966-1985), an NFL record, and one of the longest winning streaks in all of professional sports.
Throughout his tenure, Landry worked closely with the Cowboys general manager, Tex Schramm. The two were together during Landry's entire tenure with the team."
And how was Landry rewarded for his accomplishments?
"Landry's departure came shortly after the Cowboys were sold to Jerry Jones before the 1989 season. Jones hired Jimmy Johnson, his former teammate at the University of Arkansas, from a position coaching the University of Miami football team. When Landry met with his players two days later, to tell them how much he would miss them, he began to cry. The players responded with a standing ovation."
And then what pray tell happened?
"In 1989, Jerry Jones, the new owner of the NFL's Dallas Cowboys, a long-time friend and former University of Arkansas teammate of Johnson's, asked him to be the new head coach, replacing Tom Landry, who had coached the team since its beginning in 1960. Johnson was reunited with former Miami standout Michael Irvin, and in Johnson's first season as coach, the 1989 Cowboys went 1–15. Johnson, however, did not take long to develop the Cowboys into a championship-quality team. Johnson had an ability to find talent in the draft, make savvy trades (namely, the trade of Herschel Walker, which yielded six high draft picks and a number of players from the Minnesota Vikings), and by signing quality players as free agents in the age before the NFL had imposed a salary cap, such as Jay Novacek.
Johnson served as head coach of the Cowboys from 1989 through 1993. He is one of only six men in NFL history—(including Vince Lombardi, Don Shula, Chuck Noll, Mike Shanahan, and Bill Belichick)—to coach consecutive Super Bowl winners, winning Super Bowl XXVII in 1992 and Super Bowl XXVIII in 1993.
After the 1993 Super Bowl victory, Johnson and Jones mutually agreed to split, due largely to his inability to work with Jones. Jones then hired another former teammate at Arkansas, former University of Oklahoma head coach Barry Switzer and the Cowboys won another Super Bowl two seasons after Johnson's departure, although Johnson still received a significant amount of credit for that third Super Bowl victory, as he was generally credited with having assembled the team.
"The Cowboys went 6-10 in 1997, with discipline and off-field problems becoming major distractions. As a result, Switzer resigned as head coach in January 1998 and former Steelers offensive coordinator Chan Gailey was hired to take his place. Gailey led the team to a 10-6 record in 1998 and an NFC East championship, but was let go after an 8-8 playoff season in 1999, becoming the first Cowboys coach who did not win a Super Bowl. Nonetheless, the Cowboys posted more wins in the 1990s than any other NFL team.
Defensive coordinator Dave Campo was promoted to head coach, but he could only post three consecutive 5-11 seasons. Many fans and media were beginning to blame Jerry Jones for the team's ills, noting that he refused to hire a strong coach or general manager, preferring to hire coaches who did not want to be involved with personnel duties so that Jones himself, as GM, could manage them. Jones then lured Bill Parcells out of retirement to coach the Cowboys. The Cowboys became the surprise team of the 2003 season, posting a 10-6 record and a playoff berth by having the best overall defense in the NFL. However, during the next two seasons, the Parcells-led Cowboys missed the playoffs. The Cowboys then finished an up-and-down 2006 season with a 9-7 record and a playoff appearance, but after a last second loss in the Wild Card Game against the Seattle Seahawks, Parcells retired and was succeeded by Wade Phillips. In his first season as head coach, Phillips and his coaching staff led the franchise to its best seasonal start ever, a conference-best 13-3 record, and the franchise's 16th NFC East championship title, the most of any team in that division. (Washington, New York and Philadelphia are tied for second with seven championships each.) The Cowboys were eliminated by the (eventual Super Bowl Champion) Giants in the divisional round of the playoffs, the first NFC #1 seed to so falter since the 1990 playoff re-alignment.
"All factoids courtesy of Wikipedia"
And now my take on this rambling mess:
You be the judge, is it the media's fault, or T.O.'s, or Romo's or fucking Osama Bin Laden's fault?
Is it a rogue tentacle of the Ponzi scheme, or could it be alien involvement?
Is that psychotic cunt Ann Coulter behind this meandering shitstorm of a mess?
Nah, that would to be too simple, "An Inconvenient Truth."
Perhaps it is the economy, and it could possibly be an erectile dysfunction fault in the owner's office,... just wait a while. It will play itself out like a train wreck that crashes into a dumpster fire. I am thinking of the NASA rocket that exploded in flames, God rest their souls. Or being strapped to a cruise missile that hurtles to an an active volcano.
Maybe it is a ego so driven by image and papparazzi that this ego will DO WHAT EVER THE FUCK IT TAKES to stay in the news. Drama sells. So as Tumor says, "Get ya popcorn ready!"
But by fucking gawd, it will be played out in the biggest fucking stadium in Texas, and by the way, I wonder if he has anything to do with Blue Star Ointment? I got a bad dose of ringworm and jock itch just from watching those fuckers last year. Perhaps it is a preventative medication that is included in the $16,000.00 Personal Seat Liscense:
"But before one can buy a luxury seat, they also have to purchase a Personal Seat License, which start at the price of $16,000 and go up as high as $150,000. Those numbers are by far the most expensive P.S.L. in the N.F.L. Currently, the most expensive seat license is $12,000 at the Carolina Panther's Stadium . "
Courtesy Brett Shipp, WFAA T.V., DALLAS, 2008
And due to public and media outcry, this released yesterday:
new seat prices for 2009...P.S.L's, the new way to fuck the fans, from the Cowboy's website:
•$59 (nosebleed, oxygen not furnished)
•$79-$125 plus seat options from $2,000 to $5,000
•Loge seats: $125 plus seat options for $12,000
•Club seats: $340 plus seat options from $16,000 to $150,000
Whatever, Skeletor...at least George Strait and my beloved Choklahoma Sooners will play there this year.
(Jackie's only comment...that fucking Jerry Jones better name that stadium the Tom Landry Stadium..or I will personally kick his skeletor ass.)
SOONER BORN AND SOONER BRED, AND WHEN I DIE I'M SOONER DEAD
Monday, February 16, 2009
So now...the Goddess on love questions.
Josh:yes, but what ever you do don't break up with him on Valentine's Day..........ooops...too late.
Ted:If you got laid more often you'd know the answer to that question.
Wendy:yes, I'd like to see the men be more original in their gifts. Like a donation to the local Humane Society in your lady's name.
Stephen:it really is a silly holiday. Expressing your love should be done daily, not one day a year.Much love to you too..
Anonymous in Sheepdip, Oklahoma. I took a trip to Sheepdip and did a rescue of Daisybell. I brought her to Texas. If she's going to have a sweetheart she deserves one with a bigger dick that you guys in Oklahoma. Now you and Tex will have to find a new sweetheart.
Lily:if you hang around the Yellowdog's place you will find she has a lot of twisted readers, which is one of her greatest joys. Sleepless in Sheepdip and Ted are two kindred spirits. She loves them both.
I think most relationships break up on Valentine's Day because of the pressure of going the entire year being a buttroy and then having to atone for it in one day. Most men just cave in and run off...Bastids. I thought the cake was very charming and it is the thought that counts. He knew you loved sweets so he made you a cake. Be gracious and say thank you and tell him you appreciated the offer..If you like him and not the cake, maybe you two should take cake baking classes together.
Cheesy:I'm sure that Loki had something to do with your being born on the Day after Valentine's Day. And blessings on you for your birthday.
Justme: The Goddess is sure there is a someone out there for everyone. The only problem is you won't find him sitting in the double wide. Check out one of those on line dating sites. Nothing ventured ...nothing gained.
Joy:but of course...Actually Odin takes them to Valhalla and the Goddess takes you to Folkvangr. (Goddess needs to read up on her history better.)If anyone deserves to go to Folkvangr, it's someone named Joy. I think George Carlin would have a ton of fun trying to 'be happy and make Joy'....
Greentea:Well, of course they do. Don't you think of them and smile?
Billy:before you break out and find true love you might want to check with the Missus first. But it's never to late for happiness. If you are unhappy at home..seek it elsewhere.
Sage:first comes friendship...then comes love. Like I said nothing ventured....nothing gained.
Rox:get one of those moose callers...or post a picture of Kevin out in the yard...I'm sure that would bring the moose in.
Jan:you are not only NOT wrong, you should have put your face in HIS face and pushed him away when you broke up with him. Ted meet Jan...Jan meet Ted.
Allan:cupid is NOT asshole. Cupid is a Buttroy.Don't give up..good guys like you are destined to find the right one for you. Don't settle for less.
Anne:Actually I think you need more Mo than Jo...
Tex:I owe you and Sleepless in Sheepdip one ewe. She's very happy here in Texas, where she says 'men are men and even the sheep know it'.
Tsduff: Goddess doesn't think marriage is important. Only to the ones that can't have it.The Goddess always finds humor among you people on this planet..
Rainwolf:seek Medical attention...ASAP
Lilly:It wasn't sex. It was release...like unzipping, and releasing it to the wind and holding on tight. Just make sure you don't do it on Harbor Freeway in the middle of 5pm traffic. Or at least that's what the Yellow Dog says. Ted's very lonely..Ted meet Lily..Lily...meet Ted.
Woozie:your awful young to be looking for the 'ONE'...just settle for a nice boy with a great smile and a cute ass.
Morecowbell:Yes, you will know the right one when he comes along. When you meet him your first thought will be'damn, I need to go shave my legs.'
Rudegirl:only if you want to. I'm not sure that marriage is for everyone..Like I said..it's only important to the ones that can't GET married. Also if you think getting married will stop you from being your own person, then you really shouldn't get married. You should get married when you think 'if I marry him I'll be complete.'
All questions have been answered..I hope to your satisfaction.
When you stop looking for love...it will find you.
Blessings on you my children...go with the Goddess, she will show you the way.
When Rome was first founded it was surrounded by a wilderness. Great packs of wolves roamed over the countryside. Among their many gods the Romans had one named Lupercus who watched over the shepherds and their flocks. In his honour they held a great feast in February of each year and called it the Lupercalia. The Lupercalia festival was an echo of the days when Rome consisted of a group of shepherd folk that lived on a hill now known as Palantine. On the calendar used back in those days, February came later than it does today, so Lupercalia was a spring festival. Some believe the festival honored Faunus, who like the Greek Pan, was a god of herds and crops, But the origin of Lupercalia is so ancient that even scholars of the last century before Christ were never sure. There is no question about its importance. Records show, for instance, that Mark Antony, an important Roman, was master of the Luperci College of Priests. He chose the Lupercalia festival of the year 44BC as the proper time for offering the crown to Julius Caesar. Each year, on February 15, the Luperci priests gathered on the Palantine at the cave of Lupercal. Here, according to legend, Romulus and Remus, founders of Rome, had been nursed by a mother wolf. In Latin, the word lupus is the word for wolf. Some of the rituals involved youths of noble birth running through the streets with goatskin thongs. Young women would crowd the street in the hope of being lashed with the sacred thongs as it was believed to make them better able to bear children. The goatskin thongs were known as the februa and the lashing the februatio, both coming from a Latin word meaning to purify. The name of the month February comes from this meaning. Long after Rome became a walled city and the seat of a powerful empire, the Lupercalia lived on. When Roman armies invaded France and Britain, they took the Lupercalia customs there. One of these is believed to be a lottery where the names of Roman maidens were placed in a box and drawn out by the young men. Each man accepted the girl whose name he drew as his love - for a year or longer.
ST VALENTINEAlso known as Valentine of Terni, Valentine of RomeConfusion surrounds exactly who St Valentine was. According to the Catholic Encyclopaedia, at least three Saint Valentines are mentioned in the early martyrologies under the date of 14 February. One is described as a priest at Rome, another as a Bishop of Interamna (now Terni in Italy) and the other lived and died in Africa. The Bishop of Interamna is most widely accepted as the basis of the modern saint. He was an early Christian martyr who lived in northern Italy in the third century and was put to death on 14 February around 270AD on the orders of emperor Claudius the Second for flouting the ban on Christianity. However, though Valentine of Terni and Valentine of Rome have separate entries in martyrologies and biographies, most scholars believe they are the same person.
THE STORY OF THE PRIEST CALLED VALENTINEIn the city of Rome in the years around 270AD there lived an Emperor named Claudius. He is known in historyas Claudius the Cruel. Near his palace was a beautiful temple where the priest Valentine served. The Romans loved him dearly and assembled in the temple to hear his words. Before the fire that always burned on the altar they knelt to ask his blessing. Rich and poor, wise and ignorant, old and young, noble and common people they all flocked to Valentine. Wars broke out in the Roman Empire. Claudius summoned the citizens forth to battle and year after year the fighting continued. Many of the Romans were unwilling to go. The married men did not want to leave their families. The younger men did not wish to leave their sweethearts. The Emperor was angry when soldiers were too few. He ordered that no marriages should be celebrated and that all engagements must be broken off immediately. Now the good priest Valentine heard of the Emperor's command and was very sad. When a young couple came to the temple, he secretly united them in marriage in front of the sacred altar. Another pair sought his aid and in secret he wedded them. Others came and quietly were married. Valentine was the friend of lovers in every district of Rome. But, such secrets could not be kept for long in Rome. At last word of Valentine's acts reached the palace and Claudius the Cruel was angry, exceedingly angry. He summoned his soldiers. "Go! Take that priest in the temple! Cast him into a dungeon! No man in Rome, priest or not, shall disobey my commands!" Valentine was dragged from the temple, away from the altar where a young maiden and a Roman youth stood, ready to be married, and the soldiers took him off to prison. Many asked Claudius to release Valentine but Claudius refused to do so, and in a dungeon Valentine languished and died. His devoted friends buried him in the church of St. Praxedes. When you go to Rome you can see the very place.It was the year 270AD, on the 14th of February.
VALENTINE THE BISHOPAnother story says that Valentine was one of the early Christians in those far-away days when that meant danger and death. For helping some Christian martyrs he was seized, dragged before the Prefect of Rome and cast into jail. There he cured the keeper's daughter of blindness. When the cruel emperor learned of this miracle he gave orders that Valentine should be beheaded. The morning of the execution, he is said to have sent the keeper's daughter a farewell message signed, "From your Valentine."
After Christianity was firmly established the priests wanted the people to forget the old heathen gods. But they did not wish to do away with all their feasts and sports. So they kept the Lupercalia and called it Valentine's Day.
BE MY VALENTINE!During the medieval days of chivalry, the names of English maidens and bachelors were put into the box and drawn out in pairs. Each couple exchanged gifts. The girl became the man's valentine for that year. On his sleeve he wore her name and it was his bounded duty to attend and protect her. This old, old custom of drawing names on the fourteenth of February was considered a good omen for love. It often foretold a wedding. For since the beginning of things this has been lovers' day, a time for loving, for giving and receiving love tokens.
MODERN VALENTINESHistory tells us the first modern valentines date from the early years of the fifteenth century. The young French Duke of Orleans, captured at the battle of Agincourt, was kept a prisoner in the Tower of London for many years. He wrote poem after poem to his wife, real valentines. About sixty of them remain. These can be seen among the royal papers in the British Museum. Flowers as valentines appear nearly two hundred years later. A daughter of Henry IV of France gave a party in honor of St Valentine. Each lady received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from the man chosen as her valentine. So from Italy, France and England came the pretty custom of sending our friends loving messages on this day. With flowers, with heart-shaped candies, and with valentine cards we honour the good priest who disobeyed Claudius the Cruel.