I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Sunday, January 18, 2009

HOMER SPEAKS


Best Of Homer Simpson's Quote
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

8 comments:

Kulkuri said...

"You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."

I guess that explains the last eight years!!

Lilly's Life said...

He he, its interesting how comedy is so funny yet frightingly realistic....

Sling said...

It's comforting to know that we can to to the Gospel according to Homer in times of need!

Big Pissy said...

I read those out loud to my husband. We laughed and laughed.

PENolan said...

My kid and I watched The Simpsons together for years and years. A favorite moment:
When Homer tells Bart he can't wear a Hawaiian shirt because only Gays and Old Fat Party Animals wear Hawaiian shirts, my kid asked, "Hey Mom - which one is Dad?"

tsduff said...

I tried to pick out my favorite worst quote - but found that was impossible. ha ha - very funny. I'm glad it was just Homer.

Ted said...

*LMAO!*
He sounds about as coherent as Sen. John Insane.

McRaven said...

Funny! I don't know how I get so far behind in reading posts. damn.