DAMN NEWS

I love my DAM News. For you new folk...DAM News is my version of Dallas Morning News..I haven't been getting it delivered to my front porch like I'm used to so I have been making obscene phone calls to the dispatcher. That'll teach them to randomly give out phone numbers. I told him when I opened up my door I wanted to find my paper on the porch and if it wasn't it made my day start our with an "ah fuck", and that was not the way I wanted to start my day. I told him I wasn't going to scream about how I was going to cancel my paper if they didn't start delivering it like they're supposed to as everyone knows I love my paper to much to do that. But there wasn't any thing stopping me from making his life as miserable as possible and trust me, I have made it my life's work to fuck with people on a daily basis and I wouldn't mind adding him to my list. So far it's been 5 days and my paper is right there on my porch every morning. Sometimes being an asshole is the high light of my day. That plus the peanut butter cookies I made for Babs. Oh man..they are so good. I ate one and sat down on the kitchen floor and wept, knowing that was the only one I could have..fuckity fuck fuck fuck..I have got to lose 40 more pounds so I can control my diabetes better. I'm not having any trouble controlling the diabetes, it's the controlling the urge to eat the cookies I keep baking that I'm having trouble with. Sort of like when I drank. After I quit people would say I didn't think you had a problem drinking...and I would reply....I didn't have a problem drinking...the problem was the stopping part I couldn't seem to get a handle on...Jeez, what's the deal? I gave up cigarettes with no problem, I quit drinking with no problem and quit fucking with absolutely noooooo problem, but carbs?..Cookies are like crack. I want pasta so bad I could beat the crap out of Chef Boyardee for a handful of warm 'skgetty'...Oh...and rice...man do I miss rice. If you read in the paper about a fat woman robbing all the sticky rice from Shogun's Japanese Restaurant on Waco Dr. in Waco, TX. You'll know it was this little fat woman. It's the weirdest thing....I have about a dozen peanut butter cookies in a tin for the guys at work..and I swear I can hear them fuckers calling my name..Is it true if you eat cookies in the dark you won't get carbs from them as they can't find they're way in the dark?...just a thought..
Remember when I was bragging about our 80 degree weather?
The Goddess must have been listening (we all know how she feels about talking about the weather) because we had a REAL cold front come in and the high to day was in the mid 40's and high tomorrow is 38...That'll teach me to rub it in on all you snow bound folks...Hope we get some rain out of it.
Remember after Thanksgiving I went to the House of Satan on Black Friday?...bought a new vcr/dvd?....Well, I can't figure out how to get the fucker to work...I read the destruction's and nothing...So I figured out I need someone with balls. I mentioned that to Babs in an email and when I called to tell her I was bring cookies over, she answered the phone "I don't have any balls."...I'm going to call David O. and promise him a blow job. That's what I always promise him when he does those things that it takes balls to do. He always laughs and says "yeah, right"...
I'm pissed ...the Eagles beat the Vikings...That's enough to piss off the Pope. Congratulations Anne, your team won. Now to figure out who they play next week...I ended up the season with 159-89-8 and so far I'm not doing so good during the play offs...good thing I didn't bet any money. You never know what's going to happen during play offs. I know I know...most of you don't give a shit about football, but I do...
Ok...I'm out of here..I'm going to make sure those cookies aren't smothering to death in that tin...fuckme I'll never bake cookies again.
Well hell!...I got to rambling and forgot to tell you about what I read in my DAM News....I'm such a dufus. Anyhow..I read this quote from former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and all I could think of was I didn't know how he could cross his legs his balls are so big."I consider myself a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror.".saying he was victimized by his enemies....(He once approved harsh interrogation tactics against terror suspects.) Yeah, you know what you asshole? No one strapped you to an ironing board and wrapped your head in a towel and poured water on your face till you thought you were going to drown. No one hooked a battery to your nuts and gave you a few thousand volts till you named your favorite Aunt Louise as a enemy combatant. Now if anyone needs to be bipped ..it's that asshole...
ok...I'm done.