JOKE FOR THE DAY

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane : You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny , as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

CLASS REUNION.

It's all a matter of appearances. Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix. Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida. Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility. Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama. Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

JOKE

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses;
the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat
10% of women think their ass is too skinny
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

JOKE FOR THE DAY.

I GOT THIS NEW DEODORANT TODAY.THE INSTRUCTIONS SAID REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM.
I CAN BARELY WALK, BUT WHENEVER I FART, THE ROOM SMELLS AWESOME