MAJOR PANIC ATTACK

That's what this last back pain scare gave me..Fucking freaked me out. Seriously folks..it scared the shit out of me. I just knew I had really fucked it up and I was in for either another operation or major pain for the rest of my life. Because it was exactly like it was before my last operation. I even resorted to pain meds. and trust me, with my allergies to pain meds, it's not something I do easily. I am allergic to Demerol, dilaudid, morphine, codeine, percodine, and talwin.
When I say I'm allergic I mean that my throat closes up from swelling and I can't breath. My hands, feet and face swell up also. Plus I itch so bad I think I'll go crazy. Which means if I have major pain, I either take not enough and it doesn't do anything for the pain, or I take enough for the pain and worry about it shutting down my windpipe. Nice choice. Thank the Goddess for Babs who still had some darvocet from her cat bite episode. I took one 3 all together and then I discovered the heating pad, another idea from Babs. I think I was in such a panic, and not trying to show it that I just wasn't thinking, because these are all things I know. So have been sitting on the heating pad so much that I'm sure my ass looks like a bratwurst. But it works..I have taken all of the week off, and with the weekend off too, I will have 6 days of straight R&R and that seems to be helping. It still hurts but not like it did..I went out yesterday and walked to the garbage and mail box, went to library and Food Mart. By the time I got back I had to call Babs to come bring in my groceries. I knew I couldn't lift them with out more pain as I was already feeling the pull, pain and tug in my right butt cheek. Just carrying 3 library books and my purse was causing pain.
In case some of you don't know the origin of my back problems, in 1994 I worked at Hastings Book Store as the Book Department Manager. It was a new store and as manager I was responsible for the placement of each book section and each and every book. Setting up the book cases, end caps, promotions, waterfalls, etc. It was hard and strenuous work. But I loved it..It was my book department, form the front to the back magazine sections. After the store opened I was working late to organize and pick up the department when I stood on my tiptoes to put a book on the top of a 6 foot bookcase. I felt a 'pop' and tug in my right butt cheek..I actually heard the 'pop'...I sort of walked around and it didn't hurt any more so didn't think any more about it. Got up the next morning to go to work and fell right on my face. The pain was horrible. I had to work for 4 days with horrible pain because they kept stalling me about letting me go ..there was a big 'inspection' and they wanted me there for my department. It was getting worse and worse. Finally after almost 6 months or better I had my first operation. They said it was done, I was fine, do a little rehab, go back to work. I was still in pain, and ended up having a second operation in less than 6 months. More pain, more pills, different, stronger, and more, more more..It was the worse time of my life and I've had some bad times. Finally after nearly a year or better they sent me to the Back Institute of Texas in Plano, where I had one of the best back surgeons take me on. He's the one that discovered that the problem wasn't the deteriorating disc like the other Doctor's thought, it was the pinched sciatic nerve. When I had stood on my tiptoes, my spine had rocked forward, and when I stood back down my spine closed on the nerve..So the last operation was to remove the pinched nerve and then build a cage around my spine, going in front and flipping me over and going in the back. Which is what they did. Seven hours later they were done. Except my spine was so weak and had deteriorated so badly they couldn't find places to put the screws in to hold the cage. But basically that's it.. It took years of pain pills, antidepressants, muscle relaxers, therapy and my becoming addicted to the pain pills for me to finally just decide that I didn't want to live like that any more..So I started weaning myself off the pain pills, from about 30 a day to none..Cold turkey. I did it a pill at a time over about 6 months. Which is why, when I hurt my back again I freaked out ..
What I have learned, hopefully, is that I am a 64 year old woman with severe back problems and there are just certain things that I can't do any more..Case closed. Because I can tell you right now, there will be no more operations, no more pain pills and if I go back to work and it starts to hurt again, I will have to give the job up..Then I will be able to spend more time blogging about what an asswipe George W. Bush is and what a colossal mistake it would be for our country for anyone to vote for John "I was tortured, but it's ok to do it to anyone else" McCain.
I had to do this in shifts so I wouldn't spend so much time on the computer. Between Babs, Shady Lane, and Unokhan who have made it their job to stay on my ass about resting and taking care of myself, I am feeling much better, but still plan on continuing the program of resting and relaxing over the weekend..So someone go out and play for me..Kay?
fuckme till my spine rocks.