THE CARPET DOESN'T MATCH THE DRAPES

I dyed my hair red..Why is it, that my hair color never comes out looking like the lady on the box?...She has this lovely strawberry blond Doris Day hair cut...I dyed my hair last night and it is the same color as....well, I don't think there is actually a color of red as the red on my head...I forgot about dying it this morning and when I went to brush my teeth I nearly had a heart attack..I thought my head was bleeding..It's not that maroon red that Shady Lane refers to as "motherfucker red"...it's more of a ....I swear to the Goddess I can't come up with a red that color..I may have invented a new color..it's more of a "what the fuck? red"...yup..that's what it should say instead of Auburn..it should say "WHAT THE FUCK RED"..can't wait to show your neighbors your new hair color so they can say "what the fuck?"...as if my life isn't interesting enough..now I have hair that will stop traffic and scare small children..
Every time I look in the mirrow I think..."With the coupon it only cost $1.98..."...
Yesterday as I was 'fixin' to close the library down Anessa came by with Devon(the ball playing kid)...and said.."I'm on my way to work and Devon want's to go to your house, is that ok?"..
duh?...and since I'm not a fast liar..I said.."Uh, ok...sure"...thinking to myself(motherfucking shit)..So I take Devon who is a great kid..don't get me wrong..but I have raised my kids and the grandkids are grown now too..I don't want to hang out with a 13 year old..and Devon says 8 words a day...good morning and good night being 2 of them(eat, drink, where's the bathroom and thanks being the others)...anyhow..it's Sat. I like to go garage sale hunting..so I do..Devon sits in truck reading his book..which is fine with me..I bought a pink cushion seat($3) for little girls with Princess on it for Annie..(who wouldn't sit on it if the rest of the house was on fire)a box full of picture frames..all really really nice...for $2..and a glass vanity tray with pewter handles on it for .30cents..It's beautiful..and so not me...but it's purty..and will probably end up giving it to one of the granddaughters..Come back to the house..where Devon's true reason for coming becomes apparent."Can I use your computer?"....so I explain everything to him and then I go do what I would go anyhow..read, watch tv...I had to eat so had to feed him too...Several times I asked him if he was ready to go home..hint fucking hint(reminder to self..kids don't take hints)...nope..he's happy as a clam..so finally when it is time for me to eat dinner and I'm not feeding him again..I say.."It's time for you to go home"...and I take him home..now to the reason for this semi-bitch...I eat, get on computer..up pops im's from about 6 kids..what the fuck?..I don't have im..it bogs down my computer...well, I do now..Devon has taken it upon himself to download the im dealyflopthingy to get im's...My ass hit the ceiling about 2 seconds after my head did..Who the fuck does this kid think he is..and didn't he ever listen to his Daddy when he was telling him about the asses I used to kick?..Does he think 'cause I'm an old lady my ass kicking abilities have weaken and left him immune to my converse....I think not...so me and Devon are going to have a little heart to heart...where he is going to learn a life lesson....don't fuck with little old lady's ..no matter now nice they may seem...