I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Thursday, July 30, 2009

LOOKING UP MY WAZOO AND A YORKIE POO








Oh alright..I'll post..besides I had so much stuff going on the past week I have to tell someone. Where do I start..first with the Yorkie Poo. Jenny calls Monday night I think..maybe Tuesday, who can remember..I can remember the shirt asshole #2 wore on the fishing trip to Canada, but can't tell you when Jenny called ..sigh*..anyhow..jeez, Jackie, get to the point. She calls and Jason's Grammy died and on the way over to her house to get the new kitty she had just got they almost ran over this little dog running in circles in the middle of the street. It's a Yorkie Poo. She doesn't have a fenced in yard and they are not moving into their new home with the new fenced in back yard till the middle of August(they got oked by the bank for a house loan on a brand new brick home in China Springs) and wanted to know if ole Granny would dog sit.The dog was filthy, covered with fleas, ticks, and just greasy. So they took him home, cleaned him up and she was practically parked in front of the apartment when she asked if I would watch it. Duh!..Of course..So...first off, Annie is so pissed she can't stand it. She was ok with the dog til it licked her in the face and she went WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Reared up on her wobbly hind legs and batted the pup up side the head about 73 times before he even thought about ducking. They have an uneasy peace going..he eats her food, she eats his. She won't even eat her own kibble but she will eat puppy chow. He likes friskies better than Alpo..sonofabitch.. I thought he was a puppy and took him to Dr. Tom and he said nope, he's about 2 years old, been neutered and was a $500 dog. So Jenny comes and gets him and takes him to get scanned to see if he has a chip..no chip..So she's going to keep him, but Granny has to baby sit him til they move..She wanted to call him Andy(Orphan Andy?) and Jason wanted to call him Hobo...I said I would watch him but they had to promise me they would forget those 2 names...as they were the dumbest names ever..I have been calling him 'Little Buddy'..or "Goddamnit"..which is better than the white cat I had named Asshole. He sleeps with me at night. I put a blanket at the foot of the bed and he and Annie share it..Annie occasionally will hiss at him but he pretty much ignores her. When I'm in the recliner he sleeps right next to me and she gets pissed and gets up there too..So I'm sitting in the recliner with him on one side of me, her on my lap and me trying to either read my book or do my crossword puzzles while she hisses and growls at him. He still has fleas and ticks and she's shedding..so I'm looking somewhat like a itching scratching fur ball.. He's house broke to the extent if I take him outside he'll pee and poop, but if I don't catch him...he goes on the rug in the hall...sigh*...as if I didn't have my hands full with Annie peeing and doing the spastic poop dance. He doesn't know how to play with toys..and won't take food from your hand..you have to lay it on the ground for him to eat it. I think some old lady had him and all they did was sleep..He's playful and will play with my hands and jump on you..but it's mainly for me to hold him. Everyone that has seen him falls in love with him. The picture I'm posting isn't of him..but it looks just like him, except he's black where this dog is brown. I have taken some 'before pictures' and will take some 'after pictures' when Jenny gets him groomed. I need to go out and start taking some pictures for the contest..

what else?....the other Doctor's appointment..Well, the nurse practitioner Angela. I go in and yeah, I've lost 4 lbs. in a week..all that fucking tuna fish and chicken..no bacon. sigh*...Oh and the Sonic opens up and I love their corn dogs..so I said fuck it..and ate 2 corn dogs and thought I would use the corn dog sticks to take the stool samples for my test. See if they notice.So she's going to give me a pap smear, and breast exam. Now...you have to know that I haven't had sex in 25 years. No one has been there in 25 fucking years...So when I'm stripping down to my socks I mentioned that there hadn't been any action down there for so long that they might have to use a jackhammer to get through the cobwebs. The other nurse..stopped and looked up at the ceiling and said 'I don't think I've ever heard that before.' Angela laughed and said "I have a feeling we're going to hear a lot of things from Jackie that we never heard before." The week before I had told her 'I hadn't smoked in 36 years, drank in almost 20 years and haven't had sex in 25 years, so if she ever saw me smoking and drinking, she'd know I just got laid.' So she was prepared for anything . Now I don't want to get personal hear especially to you guys who might not familiar with pap smears..but first you have to get buck nekkid, lay on this padded table with Roy Rogers stirrups and you have to scoot down till your ass is hanging off the end of the table...then she takes this shoe horn looking thing and slips it inside of you...or in my case...me... a place that has remained untouched by human hands for 25 years...it hurt like a sonofabitch...which is exactly what I said..'Damn..that hurts like a sonofabitch.'....she apologized...and then stuck her finger up my butt...It's a good think my ass was hanging off the table or I would have sat up and broke her finger off in me. I hadn't had that much action down there since I got drunk on 2 fifths of Tequila and woke up with a eight ball tattooed on my tit.But that's a story for another post. So...after she finished shoving instruments of torture up my wazoo and ass, she told me to put my arms up and then she felt up my boobs..not how I wanted I to spend the morning. I get dressed (you'll be happy to hear my tits are fine) and then they irrigate my ears and stuffed things up my nose for my allergies. If I hadn't been so busy yelling about the indignities I was suffering I'm sure they would have shoved something in my mouth too. Which makes me shudder to think about what that could be. They are making me an appointment so I can get a mammogram which is painful to say the least. It's where they slide your breasts between 2 sheets of glass and smash them into pancakes. If I flunk the stool sample test( it gets sent off to where ever stool samples get sent) they will shove a camera crew up my ass. Something else for me to look forward to. Aren't you glad I decided to keep posting...?

I tried to tell the nurses that since I hadn't had sex since I had my hysterectomy I was technically a virgin and they popped my cherry...No one would look me in the eye after that comment..People are so touchy. I'll post again about my good deed for the day..week, month..year...I'm cleaning Babs apartment. fuckme I'll never dust again.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST







and trained trumpeteers...Yellowdog Granny is going off the air for a while..

Sunday, July 26, 2009

SNAP OUT OF IT..IT'S MONDAY

Happy Monday everyone...just to make your day mo'fun?...I don't have to work..nana nana boo boo, stick your head in doo doo..
Big Pissy



Homer














Pom



Raspootin'









Nitwit






Kinda looks like a good gal pal for Homer








Heidi








Heidi's cats.








Bob












Jan












Karl











Yankee girl











Bab's cat Tina















Buddha_Boy













all of us at one time or another

















Buddha_Girl













Nick and Nora
























Sling










Ted












Willym









POPE BENEDICT XVI




Contrary to the rumor, Pope Benedict XVI'S right wrist was not broken by giving the Nazi salute. Of course I'm the one that started the rumor.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

DOCTORS AND NURSES OH MY





Wed.
I don't know if I mentioned that I am now receiving Texas Medicaid...Which means they will reimburse the $96.40 that Social Security takes out for my Medicare, plus it will cover the 20% that Medicare doesn't cover.. So it will cover everything except for some things, which I don't know what that is yet. So I went to see Dr. E. today as I needed a new script for my blood pressure medicine and a script for my lancets. While I was there I got to see the nurse practitioner who comes on Wednesday. They took blood for my cholesterol, sugar, and everything else they needed blood for..(she forgot one and had to go back and get poked again and now my arms look like ole Dracula has been at me..I bleed under the skin every time I give blood..My numbers are still a little high for cholesterol but they are going down, so won't have to take meds for that..thank the Goddess. Angela the nurse practitioner is really good and she has a sense of humor which is required when dealing with me. The minute Dr. E. saw me he grinned and said 'make sure you weigh her..' and laughed..I swear he knows I have gained some of the weight back that I had lost. Not working has really kicked my ass. I was gradually losing 3-4 lbs a month..and now..I've gained )&^)&^%$$&*((((() back..fuck!..I get noo respect.
.I told Angela that I wanted to be referred to a Dr. for a pap smear and a mammogram. She said they could do the pap smear at the office..I said I had known Dr. E. for over 30 years and it was a little late for him to be looking up my wahoo. She giggled and said she could do it and give me the breast exam too. Just seems really weird to think of Dr. E looking in my parts. First of all I'd be laughing my ass off and he'd be so embarrassed he'd probably put that shoe horn looking thing in wrong and I'd end up walking funny. She said since I am a diabetic that she thinks medicare/medicaid will pay for my eye exam once a year and glasses. So that will be cool. I am also going to the West Emergency Medical Service for a free diabetic conference August 11...I know pretty much all I need to know, but I need to know how to balance my carbs..I have a tendency to not spread them out very well...and that is what causes my sugar drops..and let me tell you...nothing sucks like low blood sugar..After mine drops I am goofy for the rest of the day..more so than normal..My brain won't work right..I can't think straight and I'm very scattered..Yeah, I know..sounds like a regular day to you.
For some 'more information that you really want to know' I have been constipated lately..usually the oatmeal I eat for breakfast keeps me pretty damn regular...but not lately. So they informed me I should give a stool sample..and for me to give a true sample I need to go one week with out red meat..I swear everyone that works in that office came in to hug me and assure me I'd be ok, but I really did need to give up the red meat for a week. I said "does that mean bacon too?"...and they assured me that yes..that meant no bacon..I kept sobbing,' but it's the other white meat.'...nope..nothing but chicken and fish for a week..Then they gave me some gloves and some little skinny sticks and an envelope to send my samples in...Talk about shit on a stick...jeez..
So...........during the next few weeks, I will be poked, prodded, stuck, swabbed, and felt up. All I can think of is no bacon for a week..They were all hugging me and patting me on my back, but I could tell they were giggling and laughing at me. Nurses with a heart of gold my ass. But Angela really gave me a great exam..she looked at my feet(Dr. E's I don't do feet, does not apply to her I guess), and looked in my ears and said I had wax in there and that might account for some of my hearing loss. She asked me all my family history. She looked up my nose and said I had bad allergies and I said 'yes, wish my ass would run as easily as my nose.'...She gave me a script for my constipation too. My blood pressure was good and she was amazed when I told her what my heart rate would be..I said it's normally 67 but since I was dreading the weigh in it was probably about 74...and it was 74 exactly..I think she thought it was a lucky guess, and then the other nurse stuck her head in and said' did she get her heart rate right?...she's never been wrong.'...They think I should join the circus. That's my health up date for the week..Will let you know how the shit on the stick turned out and when I get to be felt up and have my titties smushed..Something to look forward to...fuckme..I'll never give up bacon again.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

PONDERING POOL.COM




Shady Lane told me about this place. I fell in love with it. So will you..

Sunday, July 19, 2009

IT'S MONDAY..GET OVER IT STUMBLES


for Ranger

for asshole #2












for Sooner.


















for Intense guy


















for Bob the dog.











For Babs











For Homer














For Jan











for Ted






















for Rox






for Nora and Nick


















For Sling









for us all










































































































for me.