YELLOWDOG'S VERSION OF THE NEWS...

DEPARTING BLAIR PAYS VISIT TO CLOSE ALLY BUSH
British Prime Minister Tony Blair paid a farewell visit Wednesday to President Bush, an opportunity for close allies to showcase their unity on the war in Iraq and hammer out differences on climate change and trade..It also gave the Prime Minister a chance to show President Bush the new tricks he has learned.. 'Sit, stay and fetch'..President Bush was especially proud of the way he had perfected 'roll over and play dead.'

WOLFOWITZ WANTS TERMS TO INCLUDE EXONERATION AS NEGOTIATIONS BEGIN..
After 6 weeks of combating efforts to oust him as president of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz began Wednesday to negotiate the terms under which he would resign, in return for the bank dropping or softening the charge that he had engaged in misconduct, bank officials said.
Mr. Wolfowitz was said to be adamant that he be cleared of wrongdoing before he resigns.He also wants a garantee that his girlfriend gets a new job of out the deal.He requests that she be given the job of President of American Airlines, saying she has plenty of experience as she has flown on a plane many times..

FEDS:POT GETTING STRONGER
Levels of active ingredient climbing almost yearly..
marijuana is getting a little more potent each year.
A project at the University of Mississippi has tested samples of marijuana seized by law enforcement agents annually since the late 1970's to check levels of THC, the active ingredient.
The average amount of THC in marijuana seized last year reached 8.5 percent, continuing an almost yearly uptick the White House drug-control policy office said Wednesday. The THC level has doubled since the 1980's.Jeremy Conley the drug-control policy officer said:"Man, this shit is faaaaaaarout." The interview had to be canceled as Mr. Conley had to go order a pizza, a bag of Doritos, a large Coke and a piece of Chocolate cake...siting a case of severe munchies.

NEIMAN MARCUS OFFERS A ROYAL REST.
Neiman Marcus began selling Vera Wang's Princess Eau de Parfum,the designer's bridal gowns, her Love Knots Toasting champagne flutes and silk pajamas.
But the Dallas-based luxury depratment store chain sold no mattress on which a princess could sleep.
Vera Wang has teamed up with Serta, the major maker of mattresses, to sell Vera WAng luxury mattresses in stores for common folk, such as 1-800-Mattress.But still no mattress for a princess.
But on Tuesday,Neiman Marcus announced it will begin selling a super-luxury line of mattresses designed by Ms.Wang and made especially for Neiman Marcus by Serta.
Each bed features Vera Wang's signatrue floral vine design, the latest in mattress technology and a buxurious down-like blanket top.the collection's five models will range from $1,999 to $2,999.Although the Princess and the pea are not included..you can ask for a special clerk to come by each night and tuck you in for an extra $3,000.

On a sadder note..Bo Diddley is hospitalized following stroke.
Rock pioneer Bo Diddley suffered a stroke Sunday and remains in the intenseive care unit at Creighton University Medical Center in Omaha, Neb. The 78-year old singer-guitarist, who had been slated to perform Saturday at Richardson's Wildflower festival, fell ill following a show at Harah's Casino in Council Bluffs, Neb., according to his publicist.His condition is listed as "guarded" and Saturday's show is canceled...
I can't tell you how much I love Bo Diddley..He was one of my if not my favorite music when I was a kid and growing up...I actually got to see him in concert in San Antonio, Texas when I was about 15.I went with my girlfriend who was a negro(she wasn't black then...she was a negro)...She knew someone in the band, a relative I think..and we got to go back stage and meet him...I was so thrilled...he was bemused to see this skinny white kid hanging with his friends skinny negro kid..Asked us all kinds of questions how did we meet, were we best friends, did our parents know and care?...We were Air Force kids, we didn't know that our being best friends was a big deal, and why would our parents care..care about what?...We wanted to know about the music, see his guitar,get his autograph...and he was quizing us on our relationship..I don't think we ever did understand what the big deal was..He did freak out when I refered to her as 'black widow'...He wanted to know why I called her that..said her boyfriend left her so she was black widow..made sense to us..but think that was the first time he had heard the term black in term of negros..hey, maybe I started it all..
Get well Bo ....

.......I'M FUCKING MARTHA STEWART.......

I don't mean to say I'm actually FUCKING Martha Stewart, (I'm not going to break my no sex streak of 22 years for an old broad who's done time)..but that I'm like well, uh...a Jackiesue version of Martha Stewart...got it?
West, Texas has had a few days of gully washers...and river washers for that matter..The Brazos is over flooding it's banks in places..it damn near sank our River Queen, the paddle wheel boat restaurant. Water was in the lower floor of one of the river restaurants and washed out many bridges and flooded some homes..We go 9 months with no rain..then get a years quota of rain..in 2 fucking days...Gotta love it...But after 2 days of thunderstorms, tornados, high winds, and lightning we have had 2 days of glorious sunshine, and high 70's weather...Bluebonnets every where...I are a happy redneck...So yesterday since I couldn't plant any of my new plants or repot anything because of our version of Noah's flood..I did it yesterday...I planted my 2 pineapple plants that my nephew Phillip gave me..he gave me four, but gave one to Margaret and Claudette...I was going to send 2 of them to Lane but she threatened to kick my ass if I did..so M % C got them...then I repotted my aloe vera which was so over grown it was sad...planted some nasty urchins, some more ivy, some sunflowers, and just generally acted like I knew what I was doing..I was so impressive that Margaret and Claudette came out to watch me...we had a little chat while I played in the dirt...I took a bunch of the lose suckers from the aloe vera to the laundry room as I didn't have room for them...one lady took them all..She weighs about 300 lbs and is in one of those 'scooters' and man, she really zips around the parking lot in that thing..she fell in love with Annie and was convienced she could get her to come to her...I told her I would give her $1,000 if she could get her to obey her..she 'kitty kitty kittied and Annie Annie Annied' till she was hoarse..Annie came as far as the end of the truck..and just sat and stared at her...every one in a while she would lick her ass to show her contempt for the human..but she never moved...just stared at her..I was laughing my ass off..
Thursday Claudette and I took my truck(never getting in the her car again...ever)...and went to Caritas...we went early and only had to wait about an hour..I got some great things but judas priest..enough bread to put me into a coma...and a case of tomatoes..not canned tomatoes...fresh red ripe tomatoes...fuck!..so I gave Claudette some(everyone got them but Claudette and she was pissed..heehee)...gave Margaret some and gave Jamie and her Mom some...I still have over 60 tomatoes..so I made a huge pot of tomato soup..which by the way was excellent...then I made some pico de gallo which I had on a turkey wrap and it rocked..still have tomatoes...so then I made a huge pot of salsa..which no one is ever going to be able to eat as it is so hot that my lips are still sore from tasting it last night..and I like hot salsa..but this is......well....I know what Johnny Cash was singing about when he did Ring of Fire...my asshole last night..I still have tomatoes...
Babs who is still high on pain killers gave me a list of things to do with the tomatoes, like run over them with the truck and tell everyone it was a cat...(april fools)..bathe in them...make tomato juice, tomato paste, sauce, etc...and mentioned something about teaching them to attack...speaking of Babs..she called last night to let me know how she is doing...she's up to one hour of computer time now..so she's making progress..
but we were giggling and laughing like 6 year olds...I swear we need to grow up..ha...no way....
So...back to the tomatoes.....I am going to take some and make some bbq sauce and some Italian Sauce..or at least that is my plan...although the way I'm going through the pico.....I may just make another batch of it...damn it's good...I bought a lb. of jalopenas and about 12 onions...all I need is some cilantro...no cilantro in West...dang..
Between working in my little garden and doing all the canning and cooking...I'm fucking Martha Stewart....
yupper...I am....

funny things I found in the paper:

"I don't have sex with my monkey.That's crap."...
Bobby Crawford, Jr. owner of a rhesus monkey, who claims he was falsely accused of pleasuring his pet primate....
this absolutely needs no input from me..it can stand alone...

More than 2 tons of marijuana was found in a hidden compartment of a tractor-trailer coming into the United States from Mexico at El Paso,Customs officials said...Where the fuck do you hide 2 tons of marijuana in a tractor-trailer?....

TAlk ABOUT A PANTY RAID...
Garth Flaherty, 24, was charged with 12 counts of burglary after police found as many as 1,500 women's undergarments...enough to fill 5 garbage bags...in his Pullman, Washington, home....
Maybe he should consider sending some of them to Brittney .....

Australian group says toad nearly 2 lbs..in Darwin, Asutralia...An enviromental group said it had captured a "monster" toad the size of a small dog. With a body the size of a football and weighing nearly 2 pounds, the toad is among the largest ever captured in Australia..
OK....the first thing I thought of was...man...now them's some frog legs...when's dinner?

Then my favorite...

THE MOUSE THAT STOLE DENTURES..
Waterville, Maine..There's a mouse in Bill Exner's house that he says he has captured three times. Each time, the mouse escaped, and the last time the rodent made off with his lower dentures.
Mr. Exner, 68, said he and his wife, Shirley, scoured his bedroom after the dentures disappeared from his nightstand.
"We moved the bed, moved the dressers and the nightstand adn tore the closet apart," he said." I said, 'I knew that little stinker stole my teeth'...I just knew it."
They found a small opening in a wall where they suspected the mouse was coming and going, and their daughter's fiance, Eric Holt, stepped in to help.
"He bought a crowbar and hammer adn he sawed off a section of wood and pulled up the molding and everything," Mr. Exner said."It was quite a job."
They retrieved the dentures, and Mr. Holt suggested his future father-in-law boil them in peroxide and whatever else he could find to disinfect it.
The mouse apparently isn't done. It frequently comes out and stares at Mr. Exner, his wife said..
"He's taunting him--- I swear he's taunting him," Mrs. Exner said..

Didn't they make a movie about this mouse?...I'm not so sure that I would want to be kissing Mr. Exner if I was Mrs. Exner, with them teeth in his mouth..I don't care WHAT they used to clean them with...eek!..

Well, folks....I hope you all are having a lovely day where you're at...Even if it is a beautiful day in your neighborhood...mine is better....I have bluebonnets...

......HENRIETTA AND DAM NEWS.......

This happened about a month ago, when Nancy Pelosi became head of da house...I was at the library and commIted to Henrietta (who is a Catholic, prude, republican) about I wish they would impeach Bush and Cheney(sometimes I say shit like this just to watch that one eye of hers twitch and her mouth jerk sideways..She was horrified. She said 'No, then that Nancy woman would be president."..I said 'What would be wrong with that?'...she said she would try to make everyone like the rest of them in San Francisco....homosexuals.'(I swear to the Goddess I am not making this up.) Shaking my head, I said 'Henrietta, no one can make you homosexual, besides I don't have any problems with homosexuals, I don't even think about their sex life.....No more than I think about you and George having sex, I don't think about other people having sex'...longgggggggggggg pause...."Do you think about homosexuals having sex all the time Henrietta?...do you think about people having sex at all? I don't meet someone and think, gee I wonder how he and his wife have sex, does she get on top or does he make her bend over...?" Holy shit!......
I thought she was going to dislocate her jaw and twitch to death...She snapped her mouth shut so fast and tight I'm surprised he didn't chip her teeth...since then we haven't had any more conversations on homosexuals...Dangit!
Ok, the DAM News....Last Wed. Patients, doctors and advocates gathered in Austin to encourage the Legislature to pass a bill allowing a medical defense to marijuana possession charges..
Yeah, this will happen when Henrietta holds a wine and smokes party for Gays and Lesbians.

'Toke Toke Toke that Cigarette...'

This is a quote from the Points section in the Sunday paper..
"I will not be part of any church that unleashes its clergy to preach that particular individuals or faith groups are damned."---Don Larsen, former Pentecostal pastor and ex-U.S. Army chaplain, who converted to Wicca after witnessing religious strife in Iraq.
Yes, lets hear it for the Wicca's and Pagans...

Report:Infant mortality rate at a 10-year high..
The infant mortality rate in Dallas County is the highest it's been in 10 years.Experts attribute the rise in infant mortality to several factors, including barriers to prenatal care and health insurance. The leading causes of infant death are premature birth(55%), congenital abnormalities(23%), infections(6%) and sudden infant death syndrome (5%). The report also found that significant racial disparities exist. In 2004, 49% of the infants who died were Hispanic, 35% were black and 11% were white.
I wonder of that 49% Hispanic babies how many were born of illegal parents?...But since they can't ask that question of them,we won't know..and can someone please tell me where Hispain is????


This may be the weirdest thing I read this week...
QUESTIONS SWIRL AROUND GREEN MOUNTAIN IN CHINA...
Shanghai,China--Villagers in Fumin County are wondering why a barren mountainside was painted green. Workers who began spraying Laoshou Mountain last August said they were doing so on orders of the county government but were not told why, media reports said...A woman who answered the phone at the county forestry department but refused to give her name said, "This is an order from above. You should ask the leader from above.".....(They would ask him but he is too busy building toy bombs)

COIN SUGGESTS CLEOPATRA WAS NO LOOKER.
London--Maybe Mark Antony loved Cleopatra for her mind. That's the conclusion being drawn by academics at the University Of Newcastle from a Roman denarius coin that depicts the Egyptian queen as a sharp-nosed and thin-lipped with a protruding chin.When we think of Cleopatra we think of Elizabeth Taylor's Cleo, but she looked more like this...

She is butt ugly..So I figure she either was brilliant or gave great head...or possibly both...I like the idea that she is butt ugly...Butt ugly and still did some serious damage to the Roman Empire..Sort of a Egyptian version of Ugly Betty..

Remember back when I said I was confused why Good Hair Perry was endorsing a bill to make it mandatory for all girls under the age of 18 to have the HPV shot..??????? It's all coming perfectly clear now...MONEY...THE GREEN STUFF...LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF GREEN STUFF..
Gov. Rick(Good Hair)Perry's chief of staff met with key aides about the HPV vaccine the same day its manufacturer (Merck & Co.) donated to his campaign...Chief of Staff Deirdre Delisi's calendar shows she met with the governor's budget director and three members of his office for an "HPV Vaccine for Children Briefing" on Oct. 16th.
That day, New Jersey-based Merck & Co.'s political action committee donated $5,000 to Perry, $2,500 to comptroller candidate Susan Combs and $2,000 to four state lawmakers.(This is the money we know about, this doesn't count the under the table money I am sure was passed..) The calendar and other documents obtained by the AP show Mr. Good Hair's office began meeting with Merck lobbyists about the vaccine as early as mid-August, months before social conservatives-who are now those most outraged by the order-helped re-elect him in November.
Good Hair spokesman Robert Black said the timing of the meeting and the donation was a coincidence.(Yeah, fucking right.)The order the governor issued this month directed the Texas Health and Human Services to adopt rules requiring the shots for girls entering sixth grade as of September, 2008...
That fucker...it's always about money with them fucking republicans..I wonder how all those conservatives feel about re-electing him now?....Reminds me of the story about the rabbit and the snake both needing to cross the river...I'm sure you all know it...moral of the story...don't be surprised when you get bit by a snake no matter what he tells you..that's what snakes do...

This was not so much funny as sad...A couple of weeks ago a man was found dead and mummified in front of his TV after a year...The TV was still going ...No one checked on him...no one cared...that is just fucking sad...I would probably be found before I became a mummy, but not before Annie had dined on me...

THE HIGHER POWER OF LUCKY...
Have ya'll heard about the shit hitting the fan over this kids book?..
On the first page of the book The Higher Power of Lucky, by Susan Patron, this year's winner of the Newberry Medal, the most prestigious award in children's literature.The book's heroine, a scrappy 10-year-old orphaned Lucky Trimble, hears the word through a hole in a wall when another character says he saw a rattlesnake bite his dog, Roy, on the scrotum.
"Scrotum sounded to Lucky like something green that comes up when you have the flu and cough too much," the book continues. "It sounded medical and secret, but also important."...Librarians all over the country are having shit fits...saying it was a 'Howard Stern-type shock treatment just to see how far they could push the envelope..
It has been banned from Libraries in the South,the West and the Northeast. The book is written for children 9-12 but that some librarians countered that since the heroine is 10, children older than that would not be interested in reading it...(not before maybe, but I bet you a Dublin Dr. Pepper they will be flocking to the Library to read it now.)One teacher who is pushing the banning said that she has heard from dozens of librarians who agree with her stance. "I don't want to start an issue about censorship,"she said."But you won't find men's genitalia in quality literature."
"At least not for children," she said...

Oh for fuck's sake..get a life you old hens...
I am going to work at the library Tuesday and Saturday for Henrietta...I think I will ask her to get the book for the library..I'll say one thing for ole H...nothing gets her riled up more than censorship and people telling her to pull some book off her shelf..(well, other than me and my conversations about homosexuals)...she'll buy a copy full price just to piss them off...
(PS.......Wrote this yesterday to post today..worked at the library and was looking at new books that need to be cataloged and put out..guess what I found???? yup..."The Higher Power Of Lucky.'...Henrietta had already bought it...that's my gal...)

OK, that's all the news that's fit to print...
fuckme till I'm censored..