BOROWITZ REPORT.

Fox News Estimates Jon Stewart’s Crowd at Seven People

Disappointing Turnout, News Channel Says

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The Fox News Channel reported today that the turnout for Jon Stewart’s “Rally to Restore Sanity” was underwhelming at best, with Fox sources estimating the total turnout at seven people.

“Our total count includes Stewart, [Stephen] Colbert, and what appear to be a few of their friends and relatives,” said Fox anchor Shepard Smith. “This has to be a smaller crowd than they were expecting.”

But immediately after Fox broadcast what it described as “live coverage” of the rally showing a nearly-deserted National Mall, viewers began to point out irregularities in the images being shown.

First of all, one viewer noticed that the live coverage of the rally was actually being broadcast a full twelve hours before the rally began.

Second, an expert identified the supposedly “live footage” of today’s rally as file footage from a Sunday in 1997 when the Mall was completely shut down for reseeding.

Even in the face of such evidence, Fox stood by its story, with Fox host Glenn Beck pointing out that the seven people in attendance were “largely elitists.”

“I was struck by how many correctly spelled signs there were,” Mr. Beck said. “That’s not my America.

ANOTHER STOLEN BOROWITZ REPORT

June 21, 2010
Hawking: Aliens ‘No Longer Interested’ in Invading Earth
Planet Already ‘Pre-destroyed,’ Scientist Says

LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – Reversing his recent position on the dangers of an extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet is in no such peril anymore because aliens are “no longer interested” in invading Earth.“Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth for the past month in preparation for an invasion, they’ve probably figured out it’s no longer worth the trip,” Dr. Hawking said.Speaking at a conference of the International Society of Eminent Theoretical Physicists, Dr. Hawking added, “Most extraterrestrials would want to come to Earth to destroy it, and let’s face it, this planet has been pretty much pre-destroyed.”Even if aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans against destroying their own planet, Dr. Hawking said, “If they showed up now and took a look around they’d be like, ‘Oops, too late.’”The physicist said that the rocket fuel aliens would have to expend to launch an Earth invasion was significant, “and you don’t spend that kind of money to invade a shithole.”In recognition of his role in deterring an alien invasion, Queen Elizabeth II of England today knighted Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP.In remarks to reporters after the knighting ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Sir Tony said he would be working tirelessly this week to study the impact of the Gulf oil spill on the beaches of the South of France.

OLE BOROWITZ IS BACK..

May 18, 2010
China to Stop Spying on its People; Will Use Facebook Instead
Social Network to Replace Listening Devices, Spy Satellites

BEIJING - (The Borowitz Report) - The Chinese government announced today that it would disband its extensive domestic spying program that gathers personal information on its citizens and would instead use Facebook.According to the head of the domestic spying operation, China decided to scrap its elaborate array of spy satellites, eavesdropping devices and closed-circuit surveillance cameras after recognizing that Facebook put them all to shame."At the end of the day, we were not getting as much intimate personal data as Facebook does," he said. "So as of today, every man, woman and child in China is officially our 'friend.'"The Chinese version of Facebook, launched next week, will feature addictive online games reminiscent of the American version, such as Collective Farmville.Elsewhere, a new study shows that the link between cell phones and cancer is unclear, but the link between cell phones and assholes remains strong.

ANOTHER STOLEN BOROWITZ REPORT

May 9, 2010
Republicans Insert Name ‘Kagan’ into Speeches Opposing Obama’s Supreme Court Pick
New iPhone App Generates GOP Rhetoric

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Moments after news of President Obama’s choice for Supreme Court justice spread across Washington, congressional Republicans rushed to insert the name “Elena Kagan” into speeches opposing the President’s judicial nominee.In the text of a speech released Sunday, hours before Ms. Kagan was selected, House Minority Leader John Boehner (D-Ohio) states, “I opposed the nomination of BLANK because I believe BLANK would lead the court down a dangerous path towards judicial activism. In short, I cannot think of a worse choice for Supreme Court than BLANK.”The anti-Kagan rhetoric was generated last week before Ms. Kagan was nominated, GOP insiders said, by using a new iPhone app called iOppose.In other news, Study of the Neanderthal genome at UC Santa Cruz has revealed that mating between humans and Neanderthals may explain one of science's most persistent mysteries: the existence of Glenn Beck."We believe that sex between a human and a Neanderthal may have resulted, some fifteen thousand years later, in several of the Fox News Channel's primetime hosts, including Glenn Beck," said a leading genetic researcher at the university.But while sex between humans and Neanderthals may explain the existence of the controversial Fox host, other mysteries remain, the researcher said: "While it is likely that a human would have sex with a Neanderthal, it is unclear who would have sex with Glenn Beck."The discovery that Neanderthals and humans mated fifteen thousand years ago took many scientists by surprise: "Previously, we thought the first time this occurred was on 'Jersey Shore.'"Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security said that it had been following Times Square bombing suspect Faisal Shahzad, “but only on Twitter.”

STOLEN FROM THE BOROWITZ REPOR, just for you

jsI stole this from the Borowitz Report, because I thought it was hysterical and wanted to share.


Colleagues Praise Massa for Reaching Around the Aisle
Always Groping for Solutions, Staffers Say

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Providing some pushback to the criticism he has suffered over the past week, colleagues of former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) praised him today, with one Republican staffer saying, “Congressman Massa was always eager to reach around the aisle.”Tracy Klugian, the GOP congressional aide who offered that defense, said that Rep. Massa “could always be counted on to grope for solutions.”Mr. Klugian described Rep. Massa as a tireless worker: "He might be taking a shower with his staff, but he was still keeping an eye on things the whole time."As for his legislative style, Mr. Klugian said, “No matter how ticklish the fight became, Eric was always very hands-on. He would grab a problem by the balls and not let go.”In a related story, the Bureau of Labor Statistics said the number of Americans making cheap jokes about Rep. Massa rose to 48.5 million this week.“I think the country’s new obsession with Rep. Massa is a very positive development,” said golfer Tiger Woods