JOKE?

ta da..thanks goes to Suzanne, Turk's Mom for telling me where to go for the picture. tanks..

Make-up and Hair style..............$500.00

New Dress for the show............$700.00

Giant Stuffed Bear......................$300.00

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in your hand...........Priceless!

A 3 YEAR OLD CHILDS PRAYERS.

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said,

"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,

drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

CAJUN JOKE

A Cajun who died went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others.
The devil came back sometime later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?
"The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana.. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Lafayette to me!"
The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged.
"How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!.
"The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin' but August in Jennings!"
So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.' He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas.
Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven.. WHY?!
"The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"

SATURDAY JOKE

Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer: A crazy bitch who WILL find you!

Joke?

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

ANOTHER GROANER....

Blond Password:
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

FROG AND THE GOLFER

The Frog and Golf A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole."What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.""
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. "
And that is how the girl ended up in My room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her
And then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"
and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

JOKES

I usually don't do jokes, I'm funny enough with out any help..but this one cracked me up. Actually by the time I got back to my email Shady Lane had sent me the first one and decided to add it to the second one..cause they both made me laugh..


Deaf Sex Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

As we men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.
And in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I was skeptical, but I went to see her yesterday..
Now normally I would welcome this sight; she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
But a urologist?
She told me that I need to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."