I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Monday, April 27, 2009

SOONER TALES #4

Yes. folks he's back..in all his splendor..brace yourself..it's gonna get ugly...blogspot ate the pictures for this post..so you'll have to use your imagination.Although Sooner is so discriptive...it really doesn't need pictures.
THE NFL DRAFT
Short and sweet, the NFL Draft gives way too much money for the top picks. Any One of these guys could end up as a Carney instead of a multimillion dollar professional player.
And, it is only a matter of time before Mel Kiper's head will explode on ESPN's coverage of the draft.
His job is to memorize every player that will be available for the draft, it is too much information to assimilate, and his rigid rock-like hairstyle will not expand accordingly to his ever increasing knowledge and his ALREADY enormous cranium. The pressure will be too great, it will be a Krakatoan explosion much like the old movie "Scanners", and there will be a moment of silence,... and then they will switch to the next pick from Oakland, which will be a RETARDED pick. No one will give a shit.

And I will watch it.


SHOPPING SUCKS!
This is an old story re-hashed because it needs to be re-told, the mere fact that there IS shopping going on makes it fantasy.
A post-apocalyptic trip to Hell Mart, as we call it in Soonerland.
We exploded through the doors of HELL MART in our special armor plated Hummer, bouncing over the piles of dead elderly and unarmed mommies, came to a screeching halt next to a large tabled fruit display, disturbing the dead body of an elderly grandmother in a "HAPPY TURKEY" sweatshirt laying across the apples and bananas, her fragile skull flayed open by an errant piece of shrapnel, her brains oozing down her designer outfit onto the sack of Depends that rigourmortis frozen claws clutched for what would be an eternity. You gotta know this old bird had a coupon for that shit.
We scattered,.... Me, Cooter and Jake providing cover fire for each other from the insurgent mommies in women's wear, rolling and puking short bursts of death from our Uzis, Jake tossing a grenade into a mass of chainsaw wielding college chicks hell-bent on destruction coming in on our flank via a sneak attack near the frozen food section.
Cooter laid down cover fire for me while I flanked the old heavily armed bastard picking out body parts from the shopping carts, the old fuck screams something to me as Cooter is vaporised by a bazooka round, I scream "WHAT?!?!"....he removes his helmet and points to a bloody gut strewn buggy and sez "DO YA WANT A FUCKEN' CART?" and before he put on his bloody cover an arrow comes perfectly out of his left eye socket. I'll be fucked if it don't hit the bulls eye of a Hell Mart ad comparing prices with Target...right in the bulls eye of the logo. Coolest thing I ever saw, stringy eyeball dead fuck on center of that bulls eye. The miracles of XMAS.
Our mission was to get a PlayStation 3, of course it goes without saying this would make Saving Private Ryan look like a Mr Rogers episode, so I spot Jake cutting off the ears of mercenary Hannah Montana worshipers in the magazine aisle,... those little bitches are bad news. Shao Lin trained rabid weasels of pain, they excel in throwing carbide tipped saw blades like a Frisbee throwing hippie on black mollies.
I grab the muck covered flame thrower that Cooter had in his ravaged claw and make my way past candy to the greeting cards, I can smell the death and hear the commotion in Electronics.
I am greeted with a surreal sight as my mind tries to make sense of this new horror. On top of a toy rack are huddled the bloody screaming refugees of surviving employees, screaming and on fire, they are slowly one by one jumping to their deaths into a mosh pit of baseball bat wielding angry moms whose children are shooting them with paint ball guns loaded with marbles. Will not go into the gruesome details here, but it sounded like a bunch of drunks dropping watermelons from the top of a one story flat onto a driveway...sounded JUST like that.
Fuck it, I see a P.S.3. laying on the floor , I open up the flame thrower...fat and hair replaces the smell of death, we got us a little Auschwitz going on, and Jake is cut in half by some crazy naked blood covered bitch with scalps hanging from her bush, wired on crank and in berserker mode, she's got a 36 inch Ryobi chainsaw and shes eyeing my P.S.3.
That bitch.
"CUNT!", I empty the flame blaster on her ass, doesn't even phase this bitch. She must be on her period. I make a run for the hummer clutching my game with the female version of Jason hot on my ass, luckily she is taken out by a group of Wal Mart greeters with shotguns, new shift arrival. I only splatter one of them as thanks and scream out of the parking lot on this Black Friday.
.The things we do for shopping.
I apologise to anyone that this offended, but do not fuck with pissed off women shopping to the DEATH, you will regret it.

I'M HOT FOR TEACHER
T-T-teacher stop that screamin' Teacher don't you see?

Don't wanna be no uptown fool
maybe I should go to hell
but I am doing well
Teacher
needs to see me after school
think of all the education that I've missed
But then my homework was never quite like this!
Ow! Got it bad,Got it bad,Got it bad,I'm hot for teacher!
I've got it bad, so bad I'm hot for teacher!
David Lee Roth

Perhaps it is sexually stimulating to educate teenage boys, seems like there is an increase in this phenomena lately. Female teachers are going to prison in waves for seducing boys, sometimes brothers. Married, unmarried, with kids or without it does not matter. It seems as though they decide to fuck their lives up as bad as it can get just to control a felony orgasm.
All of my teachers looked for the most part half silver back gorilla or wired-tight bun-on-head stick-wielder.
This was not sexy then nor is it now.
These kids today are spoiled rotten. They have young attractive cougars stalking them doing things to them that they would not do with a farm animal, thus the annoying problem at hand.
When I went to school it was to bring nothing home less than an "A" or it was "stand tall before the man" time.
Now, you can get an education and be a grand jury witness plus have sex with a WOMAN that will fuck you up for life, and it is happening everywhere.
Damn, these kids have got it made, oh foxnews.com
has all the the sordid details of seduction and rape... but oddly enough there is not one mention of male criminal activity, and even odder is the fact that I thought a couple of these sluts looked hot....
the horror...
Random Thoughts
Sometimes I feel like a one-armed man rowing fanatically in a 100 foot pool in an ever increasingly faster circle, trying to make it to shore.
I heard that if one were to sneeze, cough, fart and belch simultaneously that they would explode.
Data of Test Results: One pair of shitty underwear, don't bear down when conducting this experiment.
Before I die I could possibly own a robot. I am getting a Bruce Lee Death X6900 to run around with.
And I'm pretty sure that I'll go to prison, but it will look really cool on You Tube when he kicks the shit out of the old hateful bitch in front of me at the checkout counter with her price checks, "oh I forgot somethings" and her 362 coupons, as I stand in front of three dirty screaming kids wailing for candy to their defeated worn Mommy.
I will record in H.D. of course.

6 comments:

Willym said...

As always great lessons in life - and I know now why I do most of my shopping through the catalog or online.

Kulkuri said...

I don't do Black Friday shopping anymore.

I think there hasn't been a big increase in teacher/student sex, just more reporting of it. When you're on 24/7 you need scandalous shit to keep eyeballs tuned in.

jan said...

I think there has always been sex between young female teachers and male students, just now they can make tabloid TV.

texlahoma said...

I like the way you move seamlessly from one subject to the next.

Ted said...

Black Friday should be avoided like the Black Plague.
As to them high-screwool students getting all dat faculty ass, it makes me envious.
That Wal-Manaca Bruce Lee robot ass-beatin' would be a YouTube-isode Galt-in-Da-Box would HAFTA mothafkn see!!

Anonymous said...

Sooner here, first I would like to thank each and every one of you for your comments.

Willem, you are most gracious, and I loathe shopping like going to the proctologist. Why is there hordes of shoppers, 40 checkout lanes, and 12 checkers?

Kulkuri and Jan,
You are correct, it just makes me ill to read the "selective" taboo stuff the media and our internet driven journalists ram down our throats. I guess this teacher thing should really pale in comparison to our trillions of dollars in debt, the swine flu and the two original sins that drives the internet, greed and envy.

Tex, now you know personally that I "stagger" seamlessly to the beat of small flashes of clarity, that is when I blog.

Ted, one of these days we'll go to Hell-Mart with our Bruce Lee robots and take them to the sporting goods section, then the fun will proceed.

Thanks again guys, and thank you Jac for separating the mess that I sent you to post, and yes I think I'm coming to West. When is Westfest oh Dear Goddess of the south? E-mail me hon.