SOONER TALES PART 3

yupper, he's back...and his ass is on fire...not because he's HOT, but because parts of Oklahoma are on fire..Although he is single and pretty hot for an Okie..so in case any of you single ladies are interested..and he did come into some big bucks around the first of the year.. so..without further ado..heeeeere's
SOONER.....

SOONER TALES


BRAIN SAP
I recently had the pleasure of buying a house due to an unusual gift of good luck. On Dec. 25'th 2007, I entered the "Lucky Case" game on the show "Deal or No Deal" and won $100,000.00.....my life has changed sooo much, I have bought a new vehicle, a house and am basically ready for the holocaust that will eventually come to be, and I thank the gods, goddesses and Howie Mandel and Endemol Studios for this gift of binge drinking and debauchery.
In the process of moving-in approx. in September, I purchased 2 new king sized pillows for my bed.
Today I have verified a disturbing phenomena that is alarming.
I washed my pillow cases for about the 20'th time and it is growing, evolving ...into a sentient pillow. It is absorbing my brain sap, and becoming a " Brundle Pillow" as in 'The Fly.'
My brain is dripping sap when I sleep. Brain Sap.
It is emerging from my pillows and it sorta looks like modern art in a fetid way.
It is a color of nicotine and snot, and with horror I now realize that something has snapped deep inside my "headgear", I can only pray that it is not I.Q. Liquid seeping out of my skull. I am thinking more of a nicotine, (things we cannot (HERBAL MEDICINE) say on the web) mix that is leaking out of my head cavities sue to massive amounts of beer swilling.
Yeah, that's what it is...so, do tumors leak?
For quite a while I have been nothing more than beer and bones, just give me a cold beer and tie a pork chop around my neck and I'm good for 10 minutes. Hell, the dogs will even play with me. Then I will need another beer. Low maintenance.
I will conduct further research on this brain sap phenomena and you will be informed accordingly.
CHOKELAHOMA
CHOKE 1
I write about this only because of the double edged sword this word has become.
First off, it is way past time for me address an issue about my beloved OU Sooners.
If they are playing in a big game and it is elimination or a National Championship is on the line, we will most likely lose. But we annoyingly keep fucking trying and trying and it is given that it is something we Okies take for granted, the mere fact that we occasionally HAVE the opportunity to contend for these championships is a blessing, the curse is generally the outcome.
I have so enjoyed the last year in sports, with all of the individual honors and achievements garnished by the big 3 athletes, Blake Griffin, Sam Bradford and Courtney Paris, arguably the best in their respective college sports.
BUT, with that being said, about 2 days before a HUGE game involving the Sooners, I start getting a bad vibe about the whole situation, much like when the white college kids from Animal House walked into the black bar in the movie, ........"Bad things man, bad things." so eloquently stated by Dennis Hopper in the old NIKE commercials.
But, I would not be a true fan if I cast them into a pit of starving dogs like Conan, NO!!!....I choose to EMBRACE the misery, because I know deep in my nicotine encased heart sack that eventually we will win one, most likely the day after I die.
CHOKE 2
We are on fire here,.... please do not throw out a cigarette if you are driving through Oklahoma.... it is basically the same thing as Napalming our asses to the fucking stone age,... because fuckers are too lazy to dump their ashtrays and quite frankly do not give flying shit about our property.
We are still burning, and 147 houses have been lost so far, it is scary dry here, our one National Park where water ALWAYS flows is dry due to the low water table, more ominous signs. Sustained winds from 50 to 70 m.p.h., one spark and your lil world becomes a fire pillar.
Move to Oklahoma, where tornadoes, drought , ice storms and raining mud await.
Yesterday we had FIRE TORNADOES.
It just don't get much bettern' this.
I am eagerly awaiting the locusts, rivers of blood and the Antichrist, shit we are Okies, we will adapt.
THE SHAMWOW DUDE
Vince Shlomi (born April 25, 1964 in Israel), also known as Vince Offer, is a writer, director, and comedian best known as the owner and pitchman of two sold-on-TV products: ShamWow! absorbent towels and the Slap Chop food chopper.
In February 2009, Billy Mays publicly challenged Offer to a "pitch off" between their respective products. Popular Mechanics compared the absorbency of two towel products and declared Shamwow the clear winner.
Arrest
On February 7, 2009, Offer was arrested in Miami Beach, Florida on a charge of felony battery after an altercation with a 26-year-old prostitute. Offer, who appears in police reports under his real name Vince Shlomi, contended that he struck the prostitute when she "bit his tongue and would not let go". Prosecutors later declined to file formal charges against either individual. Since that incident, Vince Offer was lampooned on an episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live.
I can't help but like this dude, he is an intense sumbitch. I can only assume that after he SLAP-CHOPPED that chick,.. that he offered to sell her a Shamwow to clean up the blood, thus the backlash. Although I do not condone this type of behaviour, it is noteworthy of it's "Trailer-Park Glory", and so you are hereby advised of his salesmanship and tenacity.
It is only destiny that he and Billy Mays will have a cage fight to the death, UFC eleventeen, ON PAY PER VIEW in a really deep announcers voice, lol.
SALMONELLA PISTACHIOS
I am eating the shit out of every Pistachio on the planet in order to sue the hell out of anyone I can sue, just because I can.
They are crunchy and do not resemble fish in any way... flavor wise. I thought that Salmonella was a dish of grilled salmon in white wine with a hint of lemon pepper and chives and wolverine spunk, but apparently I was wrong.
MORE lemon pepper and less wolverine spunk is recommended for your grilling pleasure, trust me.
SOONER BORN AND SOONER BRED, AND WHEN I DIE I'M SOONER DEAD