I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Thursday, February 19, 2009

SOONER TALES#2

SOONER TALES
THE CHRONICLES OF JERRYWORLD
"I apologize to those of you that really do not follow pro football, I have to do this for me, Babs (dear friend) and J.S.,... look at it for what it is, just a rant based upon past fan worship on my account, something for J.S. to get her blood boiling, LOL." Sooner
P.S., I do not expect much of a response other than, who gives a shit. But to some that are fanatics and live in the Southwest it will deliver stomach cramps and hemorrhaging... and fuck it, I guess I care enough to be pissed....
A Glossary of Terminology
Jerryworld:
The new 1.1 Billion dollar N.F.L. stadi
um in Texas, "THE CIRCUS", "The Fetid Incomprehensible Mess that resides in Valley Ranch (Headquarters)", "Camera/Tabloid/ESPN/Drama/JerryMasturbatingWorld"
Jerry J
ones:
Billionaire and owner of the Dallas Cowboys, "Skeletor", "The False Prophet", "The God Almighty of the Blue Star", "The Drama King"


Wade Phillips:
Head Football Coach of the Dallas Cowboys, " The Puppet" , "Press Conference Rigormortis Administrator", "Mumble, Sigh and Explain Expert in Damage Control"
Tony Romo:
Starting Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, "I'm Porking Jessica Simpson Dude", "The Knight of Improvisation", " N.F.L. Player's Assoc. Pr
esident of Post Game Apology Speeches", "One half of the equation that I call 'Romessica'-Tony Romo/Jessica Simpson " (Brangelina, Tomcat, etc. until I vomit up my bleeding rectum)

Terrell (T.O.) Owens:
Wide Receiver of the Dallas Cowboys, "The Great Satan", "He Whose Name S
hall Not Be Spoken", "Legion", "The Reigning Guinness Book of World Records Holder for Football Crying", "Tumor"


The Media:
Our venerable news gatherers: "A vicious pack of scroungy tick-infested hounds packing microphones and video cameras dedicated to the sole pursuit of smearing runny shit on anything resembling the Dallas Cowboys franchise", "The Unbiased Truth", "Circus Goer's", "Media 'Disease' Reporting Task Force"
The Henchman:
Adam "Pacman" Jones, former 1'st round pick: "The Rainmaker" (this will be explained), "Gangsta", "Un-
employed no-house criminal apprentice", "Body Guard Phobiac"


Bill Parcells:
Ex head coach of the Cowboys, "BIG BILL", "THE Bitchmaster General", "Gra
nd Wizard empowered with THE STARE OF DEATH" (Players committing a penalty would pull out a pistol and suck on the business end of a 9mm rather than face the STARE", "Genghis H. Lombardi" (the H. abbreviated for Hitler)


Now you know the terminology, the characters and the mindset of Jerryworld.
A brief preface:
Jerry Jones purchased the Dallas Cowboys from Bum Bright in 1989 for $150 million.
An article from
Forbes Magazine, dated September 10, 2008, lists the Cowboys as the most valuable sports franchise in the United States, and second in the world (behind the United Kingdom's Manchester United), with an estimated value of approximately $1.612 billion, ahead of the Washington Redskins ($1.538 billion) and the New England Patriots ($1.324 billion). They are also one of the wealthiest teams in the NFL, generating almost $269 million in annual revenue.
"These factoids courtesy of Wikipedia"
Now, this increase in value can be attributed to several factors, but mainly it is
because of the RECENT popularity of the NFL on the world stage. The Super Bowl is annually the most watched television event in the world.
Given, Skeletor is a shrewd businessman, but his General Management decisions leave much to be desired.
So let's analyze the dumpster fire that is the Dallas Cowboys.
Fueling the Fire
So how did the dumpster fire start? Well, in all actuality it has been smoldering for years. With questionable acquisitions of criminal free agents, to boldly inviting camera crews to witness the implosions of numerous training camps, Skeletor has efficiently rendered his franchise into a stuttering stammering calf-scramble of "damage control".
"Questionable acquisitions" include two criminals, Tank Johnson and Adam "Pacman" Jones. You should be able to find their rap sheets just about anywhere on the web.
Given, Pacman has been released from the organization, but his foul residue still taints Valley Ranch.
His last straw was getting into a fight with HIS body guard in a hotel bathroom, a baby sitter whose only sole purpose was to keep this nut from getting into trouble. I call him the 'Rainmaker", because of his penchant for going to strip bars and "raining" money on the dancers. Allegedly he also ordered a "hit" on some fucker that was messing with his entourage'. What a piece of work.

Tank just gets caught with guns a lot and drives way too fast for police officer standards. The rehabilitated Tank is still with the team, and he tried to mentor Pacman, (along with Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders, and N.F.L. commissioner Roger Goodell) but to no avail. Now Pacman can rain on anything he so chooses, but most likely money will not be in the equation.
And then we get to the tumor of the cancer, T.O. (TumOr).
See bi-polar, sociopath and tumor in your dictionary. And how do I arrive to these conclusions...how about a brief summary of a few of his controversies:
1. While a San Francisco 49er, a flippant insinuation that former San Francisco Quarterback Jeff Garcia was a homosexual, even though he is and was married to a SMOKING HOT wife. This does not mean he's not gay, but why?
Tumor.
2. While a Philadelphia Eagle, disrupting the Philadelphia Eagles organization in such a matter that he was PAID TO LEAVE.
This after he on countless occasions threw wall-eyed hissy fits on national T.V. and bickered with his teammates and coaching staff. I think that Donovan McNabb cried over countless bowls of Campbell's soup at his Momma's because of ....
Tumor.
3. Now a Cowboy, spitting in DeAngelo Hall's (Atlanta Falcons) face in a televised game, his response, "I got frustrated and I apologize for that". What the fuck? I get frustrated at women, but I do not SPIT in their faces, unless I am invited to do so.
Tumor.
4. In 2006 he overdosed on Hydrocodone in his apartment, his "publicist" Kim Etheridge (looked and spoke a lot like Paula Abdul on a 3-day bender) called in the E.M.T's and was subsequently fired for effectively saving his life. The media coverage was incredible, and in effect Skeletor gets some baggage to go with the Tumor, who is in 2'nd place for all-time T.D. receptions in the N.F.L. behind the venerable Jerry Rice, who he supplanted in San Francisco.
Tumor.
5. Turning on the tears when Tony Romo fumbled the ill-fated snap for the game winning field goal against Seattle in Bill Parcell's last game as head coach. I am sure that Big Bill just said "Fuckit, I'll go to a truly abysmal team and get TOTAL CONTROL and rebuild it", thus the Miami Dolphins 2008 success.
There is no crying in football, with the exceptions of your nuts getting ripped off and flung into the stands, or your Momma dying in a car accident coming to your game
Now, as badly as he needs to be removed from the team, who will replace him?
Circa 1989:
With glazed eyes and a full erection, Skeletor dismantled the old guard and ushered in the new.
"Well, I'll fire head coach Tom Landry, force out general manager Tex Shramm."
"During this run, he (Landry) won 2
Super Bowl titles (1972, 1978), 5 NFC titles, 13 Divisional titles, and compiled a 270-178-6 record, the 3rd most wins of all time for an NFL coach. His 20 career playoff victories are the most of any coach in NFL history. He was the NFL Coach of the Year in 1966 and the NFC Coach of the Year in 1975. But one of the most impressive accomplishments is his record for coaching a team to 20 consecutive winning seasons (1966-1985), an NFL record, and one of the longest winning streaks in all of professional sports.
Throughout his tenure, Landry worked closely with the Cowboys general manager,
Tex Schramm. The two were together during Landry's entire tenure with the team."

And how was Landry rewarded for his accomplishments?

"Landry's departure came shortly after the Cowboys were sold to
Jerry Jones before the 1989 season. Jones hired Jimmy Johnson, his former teammate at the University of Arkansas, from a position coaching the University of Miami football team. When Landry met with his players two days later, to tell them how much he would miss them, he began to cry. The players responded with a standing ovation."
And then what pray tell happened?
1990s
"In 1989,
Jerry Jones, the new owner of the NFL's Dallas Cowboys, a long-time friend and former University of Arkansas teammate of Johnson's, asked him to be the new head coach, replacing Tom Landry, who had coached the team since its beginning in 1960. Johnson was reunited with former Miami standout Michael Irvin, and in Johnson's first season as coach, the 1989 Cowboys went 1–15. Johnson, however, did not take long to develop the Cowboys into a championship-quality team. Johnson had an ability to find talent in the draft, make savvy trades (namely, the trade of Herschel Walker, which yielded six high draft picks and a number of players from the Minnesota Vikings), and by signing quality players as free agents in the age before the NFL had imposed a salary cap, such as Jay Novacek.
Johnson served as head coach of the Cowboys from 1989 through 1993. He is one of only six men in NFL history—(including
Vince Lombardi, Don Shula, Chuck Noll, Mike Shanahan, and Bill Belichick)—to coach consecutive Super Bowl winners, winning Super Bowl XXVII in 1992 and Super Bowl XXVIII in 1993.
After the 1993 Super Bowl victory, Johnson and Jones mutually agreed to split, due largely to his inability to work with Jones. Jones then hired another former teammate at Arkansas, former
University of Oklahoma head coach Barry Switzer and the Cowboys won another Super Bowl two seasons after Johnson's departure, although Johnson still received a significant amount of credit for that third Super Bowl victory, as he was generally credited with having assembled the team.
And....
"The Cowboys went 6-10 in 1997, with discipline and off-field problems becoming major distractions. As a result, Switzer resigned as head coach in January 1998 and former Steelers offensive coordinator
Chan Gailey was hired to take his place. Gailey led the team to a 10-6 record in 1998 and an NFC East championship, but was let go after an 8-8 playoff season in 1999, becoming the first Cowboys coach who did not win a Super Bowl. Nonetheless, the Cowboys posted more wins in the 1990s than any other NFL team.
2000s
Defensive coordinator
Dave Campo was promoted to head coach, but he could only post three consecutive 5-11 seasons. Many fans and media were beginning to blame Jerry Jones for the team's ills, noting that he refused to hire a strong coach or general manager, preferring to hire coaches who did not want to be involved with personnel duties so that Jones himself, as GM, could manage them. Jones then lured Bill Parcells out of retirement to coach the Cowboys. The Cowboys became the surprise team of the 2003 season, posting a 10-6 record and a playoff berth by having the best overall defense in the NFL. However, during the next two seasons, the Parcells-led Cowboys missed the playoffs. The Cowboys then finished an up-and-down 2006 season with a 9-7 record and a playoff appearance, but after a last second loss in the Wild Card Game against the Seattle Seahawks, Parcells retired and was succeeded by Wade Phillips. In his first season as head coach, Phillips and his coaching staff led the franchise to its best seasonal start ever, a conference-best 13-3 record, and the franchise's 16th NFC East championship title, the most of any team in that division. (Washington, New York and Philadelphia are tied for second with seven championships each.) The Cowboys were eliminated by the (eventual Super Bowl Champion) Giants in the divisional round of the playoffs, the first NFC #1 seed to so falter since the 1990 playoff re-alignment.
"All factoids courtesy of Wikipedia"
And now my take on this rambling mess:
You be the judge, is it the media's fault, or T.O.'s, or Romo's or fucking Osama Bin Laden's fault?
Is it a rogue tentacle of the Ponzi scheme, or could it be alien involvement?
Is that psychotic cunt Ann Coulter behind this meandering shitstorm of a mess?
Nah, that would to be too simple, "An Inconvenient Truth."
Perhaps it is the economy, and it could possibly be an erectile dysfunction fault in the owner's office,... just wait a while. It will play itself out like a train wreck that crashes into a dumpster fire. I am thinking of the NASA rocket that exploded in flames, God rest their souls. Or being strapped to a cruise missile that hurtles to an an active volcano.
Maybe it is a ego so driven by image and papparazzi that this ego will DO WHAT EVER THE FUCK IT TAKES to stay in the news. Drama sells. So as Tumor says, "Get ya popcorn ready!"
But by fucking gawd, it will be played out in the biggest fucking stadium in Texas, and by the way, I wonder if he has anything to do with Blue Star Ointment? I got a bad dose of ringworm and jock itch just from watching those fuckers last year. Perhaps it is a preventative medication that is included in the $16,000.00 Personal Seat Liscense:
"But before one can buy a luxury seat, they also have to purchase a Personal Seat License, which start at the price of $16,000 and go up as high as $150,000. Those numbers are by far the most expensive P.S.L. in the N.F.L. Currently, the most expensive seat license is $12,000 at the Carolina Panther's Stadium . "
Courtesy Brett Shipp, WFAA T.V., DALLAS, 2008
And due to public and media outcry, this released yesterday:
new seat prices for 2009...P.S.L's, the new way to fuck the fans, from the Cowboy's website:
•$59 (nosebleed, oxygen not furnished)
•$79-$125 plus seat options from $2,000 to $5,000
•Loge seats: $125 plus seat options for $12,000
•Club seats: $340 plus seat options from $16,000 to $150,000
Whatever, Skeletor...at least George Strait and my beloved Choklahoma Sooners will play there this year.
(Jackie's only comment...that fucking Jerry Jones better name that stadium the Tom Landry Stadium..or I will personally kick his skeletor ass.)

SOONER BORN AND SOONER BRED, AND WHEN I DIE I'M SOONER DEAD

11 comments:

Anne Johnson said...

Hoping this is going to Yellowdog Granny. Can't tell on library computer.

I didn't read the whole post, but if the Dallas Cowboys are in trouble, that's good news to me and to all the other cheesesteak-eating badasses known as Iggles fans.

billy pilgrim said...

club seats $340
cup of beer $50
hot dog $20
parking $75

watching the cowboys self destruct: priceless

Big Pissy said...

I don't know a thing about football.

I just wanted to say "hi". :)

Willym said...

I know squat about American football and not much about European but that was one interesting read. Even if I didn't get all the references, I got all the colour. Damn bud you know how to write.

Kulkuri said...

Maybe Tejas will build a prison next to the stadium so the Cowboys can walk to work.

Nan said...

That architect's rendering makes it look like a starship has landed. Are the Cowboys recruiting Klingons now?

yellowdog granny said...

Nan, that's the idea..it's supposed to look other worldly..
cause ole jerry is from another planet..i told sooner no one gives a shit about the cowboys..but he had this post in him and had to get it out...plus it made me laugh..

Ted said...

So Sooner, I take it your general case is that the DC started to tank when "Ol' Fish Eyes" bought 'em, and they been losin' ground eversince.
TumOr may be the nail in the coffin if you are correct, and unless a phat lot of that mortgage bail-out/HUD jack is headed Skelator's fuckin' way, the billion-dollar ball-park may go belly-up.
Fkn RIOT post, anyway!
Out.

Lilly's Life said...

OK I dont follow your code of football but my ex did all the catering in football stadiums in the UK. So being around football I found this really interesting. It must be hell for coaches to work with these billionaire owners. And that stadium, shit it looks like a space ship landed in Texas. This post was amazing and I understood it so there. Bet the stadium will be named after Jerry Jones. My favourite UK team is Manchester United. The thing I learnt being around football is that to the coach and players its just business but to the fans its a way of life. They are the ones who have the passion and they would want to looking at those seat prices. You wouldnt want to eat there too but I would love to go and see what its like inside.

Anonymous said...

Sooner here,
thank you all for your comments.

Anne, I think that the current culture of self destruction in Dallas will leave them "Riding the Little Yellow Bus" and "wearing helmets" with no facemasks, with ritulin dispensers on the sidelines.

Billy, THAT is priceless, and dead on unfortunately for their fans.

Hi, Big Pissy, still my favorite blog name...if I knew a lot about football I would most likely have kicked in my 46 inch flatscreen by now, watching the Cowboys and my Sooners, lol.

Thank you Willym,
It's amazing what some pent up angst and cheap beer can do to a blogger.

Thanks Kulkuri,
I am sure that they will all be wearing ankle monitoring bracelets 24-7, the barbed wire and sniper towers are the last phase of construction in Dallas.

Thanks Nan,
not only Klingons, but Romulans, Ferengi and the Borg, it should resemble a Star Trek convention on Sundays.

Thanks Ted, yep it's like a big old 1.6 billion dollar turd in a little fish bowl, lol.

Thanks Lily, allthough life is sometimes unfair, I still think the fans that pay the salaries and the ticket prices deserve a little more of a quality product, especially when the talent is there waiting to be utilized.

Thanks again everybody.

buddha_girl said...

I see Jackie giving an ass kicking very, very soon.

And Sooner? Thanks for making my arse smile wider than the whole fucking state of Texas today - As a NY Giant fan through and through, I loved reading your words of Dallas' demise...even though I love Jackie.