I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Saturday, March 07, 2009

SOONER TALES

SHITTY THINGS
10 People/Things I love To Hate

1. Okra Fucking Winfrey
Oh sorry, Oprah Winfrey. She's fat, miserable, and pathetic and I cannot fathom why she is one of the most powerful people in Hollywood. She is one of the few people I would not have sex with, and I live a very barren existence. But to wake up to that water buffalo would snap what little sanity that I have left. Her partner "Steadman" is the bravest mother-fucker on the planet because you know he has to occasionally venture into the horror that sits between Okrah's thighs, yes, the evil black hole that resembles a hairy tarantula.


The only time I have admired her work was when Danny Glover beat the shit outta her in "The Color Purple", and sadly I know it was acting ...but deep down you know and I know that HE REALLY DID want to beat the dog shit out of her.
I bet Steadman has shit in his pants from his last sexual encounter.

2. Ann Coulter
Pure fetid hate served up with shrill menstrual accusations, the polar opposite of sanity, in total rabid foaming-at-the-mouth disagreement about ANYTHING , to the point of inciting civil unrest opposing any of the other bitches on the rag every day of their fucking lives,.. and men, children and even inanimate objects as well... shit ... snort some Midol and shut the fuck up. She is destined to be beaten by some male before she dies, perhaps even on live tv by some other tv bitch on the rag, one that will pound her horse face like a Congo drum. I bet she shits her pants on live tv.

3. Rush Limbaugh
Why the fuck does this asshole make a living doing what he is doing? How come I can't be a douche bag and get paid for it? Rush is an appropriate name considering his past with painkiller addiction, he'll die with shit in his pants one day, it's inevitable.
I'd like to see Rampage Jackson from UFC beat him down , after a debate about the stimulus of course. It would take about 30 seconds of Limbaugh's bullshit to set Rampage off, he'd take his knee out first, then slowly and methodically beat him until he screamed. As they haul him out on a stretcher bleeding with shitty pants, Rush would still be talking his bullshit.

4. Dr. Phil
He walks around during the day with shit in his pants (do you see a recurring theme), and then he wears ass chaps when he plays "Village People" when he gets home, nasty bastard. His "Professional advice" has ruined lives and the fact that Oprah endorses him is enough for me to launch a crusade against his ass. Fuckim' and feedim' fish-heads. Most of his sentences begin with "You Need To...." and I just say YOU NEED TO go back to the hills you inbred Fancy Boy,... and pray tell me, is it possible ON ANY NETWORK to watch your program while Oprah's is on another channel?

I didn't think so.

5. Al Sharpton
This carny sets back and just waits for some story of racial discrimination, and then launches a crusade and gets paid to blow and raise hell and wail and piss and moan and sue.....Obama should gently remind him that he COULD be a Walmart greeter in Montgomery Alabama. Of course he's the proudest leader to "the promised land" since Obama took office, it's inevitable that he will make even a bigger asshole out of himself in 2009. I wonder if Obama shit his pants when Sharpton endorsed him, from embarrassment.

6. Digger, the animated Nascar Rodent
Well, I hate rats whether it be of the tree variety or the ground,...I assume it is a gopher,... I just hope that one of those Nascars runs over that cheeky fucker's skull when he pops up in the cam shot, they always just miss him dammit. I like the carnage and the speed of Nascar, but I would just love to see Digger get disemboweled by a bigger animated creature popping up out if it's den, say Fang the Rabid Wolverine. And then see Digger tossed under a passing Nascar at 193 mph. Digger does not wear pants, but I bet he's got little animated dingleberries.

7. This Fat Chick that runs a convenience store, where I get my fucking beer and gas.
I hate her with the intensity of the Sun's Radiation, simply because she's a bitch and she is lazy and she hates me because I HATE HER. A vicious circle, I could simply go to another store but I prefer fucking with her. I'll purposely go in there and try to find something that I know they will not have, and then raise hell about it. But this is only when SHE is there, the rest of the time I just buy shit-loads of beer.
I would run away pointing back screaming if I saw her with shit in her pants, it would resemble a California mudslide I am sure.

8. All things that involve sir, mam, and being fucking nice
I have worked in retail for 25 odd years, and the hardest part of doing it without snapping is just to remember that you will go to jail if you EVEN do half of what you want to do to the water heads that live just to be stupid. When you deal with random retards and violent assholes, and good customers as well,... it is a "Can I help you?" crap shoot on whether you CAN help them, some people are just too fucking stupid.
"Sir, I see you have shit in your pants, the men's bathroom is over there....", fucking stupid.

9. Painful Rectal Itch
I currently do not suffer from it, but that shit sucks. Why is it cute for a kid to dig in his ass and it's gross when an adult digs?.... lol.

Well prolly because the adult ass being "dug" looks like 2 bulldogs fighting over 80 lbs. of chewed bubblegum, or a hot chick digging in her ass...(that's still not cool with me).
Having painful rectal itch and shit in your pants at the same time would suck, I suppose...ask Dr. Phil, I bet he knows.

10. I am really transforming into an old boring nerd,

and I don't have the time in the day to go to other blogs and comment on their blogs/lives/rants , but I wish that I could. Therefore I retired from blogging, because it is considered common courtesy to respond to comments.
I work long hours, and it takes me 10 days to e-mail J.S. a soonertale, so please do not take offense if I do not comment on your blogs...if I ever get mangled and cannot work, I will go to your blogs.
And I hate it that I cannot ...but time escapes from my drunken grasp.
I live in a small town and I got kids and a mortgage, divorced.... and I love sports, the Internet and my beer.
Just to clarify, I don't have to say the word fuck all the time, but I can't say it at work, and this will be on the Internet forever, so fuck it. Yes, perhaps in a thousand years someone will read about my description of Okra's vagina.
It's history,man. Fuck is just a strong adjective in my thoughts, it is not an activity in which I am lucky enough to participate in enough. I remember when I was such a slut in the 80's, they called me "hacksaw", "He'll cut anything".
I have fucked enough in my life for several people, and now I have the STD FREE Internet, it will suffice until I meet the right person that can stand living with me. I am thinking about a mute foreign mail order wife, or maybe a refugee...shit. LOL.
No, I'll fill in for Hugh Hefner, that mother fucker can't even get it up anymore. He can't even pee.
And, at this point in time as we know it, I do not have shit in my pants.


JERRYWORLD'S CLEANSING
for Ted

Well the proverbial hammer has fallen in Jerryworld, Pacman (shit canned), Tank Johnson.(fired), T.umO.r (banished to a leper colony), Roy Williams (MOVE TO ANOTHER PAYCHECK
The Pacman thing was the first thing that had to happen, dispose of radioactive material to initiate "GOOD COWBOY MODE".

Tank was collateral damage, and he wasn't really worth what he was getting paid.

Roy has been hurt, he can't cover but he's a biscuit shy of a linebacker with secondary speed, 5 time pro bowler, he will get a job, just not in Jerryworld.

And now for something I have eagerly awaited.
His god given name is Terrell Eldorado Owens. I am going to call him Eldo from now on, this is stolen from D.F.W. sports radio personality Randy Galloway, and it fits the shit.

The Positives of Having Eldo

He Lead the N.F.L. in total yards receiving and T.D.'s the 3 years average while he was at Jerryworld.

He was the M.V.P. of the Celeb/Legends Basketball game on N.B.A. All Star Weekend the last two years in a row, he is a gifted sociopath.

He only cried one time, overdosed one time, and didn't bitch one important time.(whenever Romo fucked up in the playoff game), nope, he cried. Pretty much bitched and pouted the rest of his 3 year stay, and conducted his daily life in third person

He didn't take a shit on the bigassed Dallas Star at the old stadium, yet...perhaps he is waiting to do so in the new Jerryworld.

The Negatives of Having Eldo

The team becomes a cancer ward, most just wither away and die in horrible pain.
Had he not been cut, the entire coaching staff would have been found at Jerryworld swinging from nooses on the enormous big screen overdosed on morphine with SHIT IN THEIR PANTS.(js here..I said they needed to fire 6 people from the team to make it work..so far the only ones that were on the list and are still there are Jason Garrett and the the head coach..so I was very right)
Jerry is slowly yet surely disintegrating into himself...the core of Jerrytron 5000 Robot Chicken has parts that are starting to fail, servos and solenoids and gizmos and widgets are getting "twitchy", and Eldo accelerated the process. He went from old dude to SKELETOR real fucking quick, fuck mother fucker go to the doctor, you look like a sack full of rigomortis. He is sorta turning translucent, we'll see his brain and intestines in future press conferences. Sorta Borg-Like.
Eldo aged him considerably, as well as Pacman did, and the fact IS he is much like the New York Yankees,.... you can't buy a championship that easily. That was Jerry's bad, Eldo destroyed the team. It has been a very expensive mistake.
He made friends with the defense, all of them, but would call out offensive teammates, coaches and bitch...about anything that kept Eldo in the media limelight, not really tossing his team-mates under the bus, but just stirring shit up-THE DRAMA...
Perhaps it is only THE DRAMA that keeps ELDO alive, seeing how he is a biggassed tumor that can vote and pay taxes and destroy sports franchises....I wish he played baseball, he'd be a perfect Yankee.
Eldo did not make my top 10 hated list, because I can't wait to find out which new team he will get the pleasure do destroy. I like Eldo now.


BREAKING NEWS: ELDO SIGNS WITH THE BUFFALO BILLS...6.5 million, the Antichrist continues his quest.
SOONER BORN AND SOONER BRED, AND WHEN I DIE I'M SOONER DEAD

21 comments:

Sling said...

Have you been peeking at my 'people I love to hate' list??
You nailed 'em all!..and in the correct order too.

Nan said...

You do appear to be a tad obsessed with shit, and I'd put the list in a slightly different order.

Digger is one of my pet hates, too. Why on earth did they name that rat after toenail fungus? And what's the point of seeing tires go by at 190 mph?

just me said...

You know, I'd almost pay good money to see Dr. Phil with shit in his pants.....I saw an ad in the back of huster magazine one time that said, "I'll shit for you if you shit for me." Kinda seems appropriate here don't it....

Thanks for the laugh...

Anonymous said...

I cant imagine why you are allowed to post on this blog you are just a miserable SOB

billy pilgrim said...

my lovely wife watches oprah.

when i used to wear my duff gardens "see the world through the eyes of a drunk" glasses she looked ok. when i got rid of those glasses she looked even worse than your description.

Sling said...

Sooner's just having a little fun Anonymous..Gee whiz.
Far from miserable,I've always enjoyed his lighthearted view of things that generally annoy us all.
He cracks my shit up! :)

Ted said...

Sling, why waste your type on someone without the courage to even post a handle, but the sentiment is totally with your first comment.
Sooner, I would've put Jesse hi-Jackson at the top of my list, but that's about the only difference.
Dr. Philled-wit-shit, Ann Shriker, Orca Winfrey, Rush Limbilge...In the words my brother Danny is so fond of using, "Fuck you, and your momma, and the horse you both rode in on, and your little dog, too!"
God have mercy on the fuckin' Buffalo Bills, they're a bone to be chewed, now.

yellowdog granny said...

sling:and a nice list it is too.
nan:I don't even like nascar and think digger is a waste of air time..
sooner is obsessed with the grittier things of life.
justme:aint he the shits?
anonymous:the only reason I'm answering comments to sooners post is to let you know....we don't give a shit.well we all give a shit, hopefully once in the morning before the work day starts, but other than that? we don't give a shit..sooner is allowed to post on this blog because I want him too..and most of us here have known ole sooner for longer than we've known you..If you don't like sooner's posts i suggest you not read them..and if your upset with the fact that I let him post here?...well, tough shit.
billy:you've been bitching about oprah longer than i have..ha
sling:right you are my friend ..right you are.
ted:when I heard that buffalo has T.O. now I laughed so hard I hurt myself..I knew you would love this post..
sooner...you can post anything you want to any time you want to ..if anonymous people don't like it? well, I don't care.

Anonymous said...

Sooner here,
Thank you all for your comments,
Sling: Great minds think alike, lol. However as Ted pointed out, I did leave off Jesse Jackson, my bad lol. I'll catchem on the next round..thanks
Nan: Thank you for your comment, Digger is not cute, he is scary.
Just Me: Thanks, I am sure that even as I type he has shit in his pants.
Anonymous: Good Call.
I am miserable, check.
I am SOB, check.
And I can't imagine EITHER why I am allowed to post on this blog.
Check.
I just wonder what part of the filth disgusted you the most, and why you are reading it.
Billy: Oprah just needs to give away more money, just enough to make her taxes ok from the billions she is raking in, thanks
Sling, you are my designated wing man, thanks
Thanks TED my man, Buffalo will look like the Tunguska Blast site in Siberia by November of 2009, and THANK YOU J.S. FOR HAVING ME.
Love ya jac

yellowdog granny said...

sooner... i love having you as a guest blogger..come back any time...love ya right back.

Cheesemeister said...

Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh should be neutered and then forced to marry each other. They're the absolute worst of the lot.

jan said...

Well, now I'm totally curious about Digger. Must find out about him, but I don't know where to start.

rosemary said...

I'm with Jan....drawing a blank on digger. I agree with the list....however the Okra...what irritates me the most is she went to Africa and built, gave, taught and gave some more to that country when there are an equal number of African-American children in the good old US that need even more help...then there are the children of Appalachia....oh, wait....wrong color. But I thought a child was a child was a child regardless of race, religion etc. The worrisome thing is if she goes into politics.

yellowdog granny said...

cheesemaster:i couldn't find anything wrong with his list at all.ha
jan:he's an obnoxious little ground hog.
rosemary:supposedly she interviewed a bunch of kids about a school for them and they were all' can i have an ipod, can i have a blackberry' etc..where the african kids were just grateful to have books a place to sleep in doors and food..but i'm with you...build for them..build one for the kids in wvirginia, kentucky, mississippi, etc.
she makes my ass hurt.

Buzzardbilly said...

That was beautiful! Really. "I hate her with the intensity of the Sun's radiation" (about fat convenience store bitch) is probably my favorite line.

yellowdog granny said...

buzzard:he writes purty!

Anonymous said...

Sooner here,

Thanks Cheesemeister, Ann would suck his "will to live" so fast that in 6 months Rush would be a helmet wearing drool specialist on the lil' yellow bus, his knowledge reduced to calling his penis his "pundit".

Jan and Rosemary,
Go to nascar.com, Digger will be there, kids will love him and most parents will get annoyed real quick with his "cornyness"...and thank you for your comments

Buzzardbilly, thanks man
but it is a fact that if she runs out of my beer one more time, I will steal her e-mail address and send it out to the women's Penitentiaries in the Southwest on their lesbian sites. not really, but I do hate her enough to make my ears bleed.

Luvs ya Jac, thanks for the help my udder mudder

tsduff said...

Unfortunately I must say that I have no way to listen to such a bashing of another human being. It hurts. I think that one person is no less or better than another. Peace.

Ted said...

"'TwO' is getting that jack for ONE YEAR w/ Buffalo. I get the impression this is extremely probationary! He'll play them along enough to get a phatter contract, then will come the inevitable train-wreck: Mr All-about-me, big city asshole meets blue-collar workin' town USA...Jesus H. Christ, talk about the perfect storm. Make some popcorn, find a good seat and place your bets...I'm starting a pool on how long it will take 'TumOr' to become malignant, and my money's on the middle of his third season - if he makes it THAT far.
This is a clusterfuck waiting to happen!"

Anonymous said...

Sounds Like A Bunch Of George W. Bush supporters,here !!! Village Idiots , is all Texas like You'All ??
Well if you got off your lazy butts,and used the restroom once in a while,yes hard to do,if addicted to mindless NFL/NASCAR--You could have shit-free pants/panties--But think you enjoy the feel and smell !!
A sure sign of being a Bush Supporter!!!

yellowdog granny said...

anonymous:are you fucking crazy? obviously you havent' been here before because no one in the fucking universe hates george w bush more than me and the people that read me..george bush is a giant fucking lying asshole and I have supported obama for longer than most people even knew who he was...dipshit...take your head out of your ass and read a few more posts before you start making judgement..