A SMOOTH JAZZ CHRISTMAS

Sometimes my bright ideas aren't so bright,and Goddess knows my intentions are always good. But sometimes I just bite off more than I can chew...and then other times I bite it off, chew it up and spit it in the river..I'm not sure how this bright idea is going to turn out..when I find out, you guys will be the first to know..So what was this brilliant idea?....Make homemade Cocoa and homemade marshmallows, put them both into Christmas mugs and give to all my friends...

So...here's the story...Went to the House of Satan and bought all the stuff I would need..came home got all organized(yes I know that is a concept that will be hard to picture...but it does happen sometimes)...and started making the homemade cocoa...Had my little recipe that I had stolen from the Tyler Ultimate cooking show on the Food Network...Mixed in my powdered milk, my cocoa, cinnamon,and chopped up 12 oz. of bitter chocolate...mixed it all up(see right here is when things started to follow my usual pattern and began to fuck up) and put 1/2 cup of the mix in little cellophane bags and put them in the a fore mentioned mugs..didn't seem to make as many as I thought it would..but hell, it's the first time I ever made it..so what do I know..???You will soon see I don't know jack shit about following recipes...I decided that even though that cocoa was not on my list of things I should eat, I thought what the hell, just have one...So I heated up the water, dumped my 1/2 cup of homemade cocoa and stirred it all up..poured it into a mug, took a big sip and every pore and orifice on my body slammed shut...Guess who forgot to put the sugar in?...Yupper, the little Christmas elf me..(I can say little as I weighted myself and dropped another 4 lbs.)So I had to take all the little bags and dump them back in the bowl and add the sugar...bag the shit back up and put back in the mugs...Much better!
I spent most of last night bitching about how even I can figure out a way to fuck up cocoa and calling everyone of my friends to see if anyone had a stand mixer...nary a one...So this morning I started in on the homemade marshmallows..Ruined the first batch of gelatin as I put in all of the water, instead of separating it to 2 1/2 cups...Go to the store, buy more gelatin and back to the kitchen...I needed inspiration..so I put on my Christmas albums..Dave Koz and Friends is giving me a jazzy Christmas right now..Since I had to do all the mixing with a hand mixer, this meant standing on my feet, whipping this marshmallow batter for 15 minutes until it was ready..then poured it into a pan dusted with 1/2 cup each of powered sugar and cornstarch...dusted the top and now it sets ...hopefully becoming marshmallows...All I know is if this crap tastes like crap, my friends better drink it and say it's the best they ever had or I will bip them into a coma..I am soooo fucking thoughtful.
This is what I listened to while I did my Julia Child impression....Linda Ronstadt,Andy Williams, Bing Crosby,Dinah Shore,Tennessee Ernie Ford,Bill Haley and the Comets,Peggy Lee,the Moody Blues,the Isley Brothers,Elton John,Mahalia Jackson,Judy Garland,Harry Belafonte(when I was a kid I had a mad crush on him and Johnny Mathis), Johnny Mathis,Gene Autry(yup singing Rudoph the Red Nosed Reindeer),Brook Benton, Jackie Wilson,and various other artists....I have heard every one sing Jingle Bells including Bill Haley and the Comets...Think it's time for some Janis Joplin....I'm out of here..going to go make my lunch and then get ready to go to David's x-wife's house for Chinese Christmas..oh...I baked a pecan pie too...eat your heart out Paula Deene..

MUCH LATER

So I go to David and Debbie's house...there is enough food to feed the town of West...It was loads of fun..and we did the Chinese Christmas and I ended up with a red robe..it's the longest, fluffiest, softest robe ever..If I lay it down Annie jumps on it and won't move..David is the best for getting me gifts that he just knows I will love...and he was right on again..Got a vintage framed photo of Roger Stauback and Tom Landy on the field at Texas stadium...with little blurbs beneath the picture with info on them...It's fucking fantastic.. It now resides next to the Ring of Honor Picture of Charlie Waters..He had also given me a picture of Troy Aikman, but somehow between my old house and the apt. it disappeared..I think some how it got left behind. I had put a bunch of stuff by the fence to go to trash and think I laid it down there to put in truck and it never made it..fuckity fuck..' Ok..the marshmallows came out perfect..they were delicious..and were a big hit..The cocoa was ok...not as good as I think it should have been, but not bad..just not perfect...But everyone was amazed that I actually made homemade marshmallows...me too...After the party I came home and got ready to go to Wolf's again to see the Cowboys play Carolina..It was smoky as usual, but the place looks fantastic..They have it decorated all in silver and blue...and I stole a silver star from one of the trees,and just wish they had a blue star because I woulda stolen it too...I drank a gallon of water and spent most of the night in women's room peeing..On the way back from one of the trips I stopped to watch a play by Carolina and they completed a long pass and this guy jumped up and started clapping and yelling..and I had a out of body experience..I walked up to him and with the palm of my hand, bipped him right up side the head..and walked off...and I don't mean a love tap..I mean he's head moved..He never blinked...just sat there..As I'm walking off, I'm thinking.."Are you fucking nuts?...you don't even know this guy, he could have turned around and knocked you on your ass."... Maybe he was as shocked by the bip as I was by the fact that I did it..Jeez, I thought I only did stupid shit like that when I was drunk....guess not..I have this feeling though that he sat in his chair the rest of the game and silently rooted for the Panthers...The game was ok..we won, but it wasn't earth shattering and to top it off, T.O.got hurt...he could be out for the next game..But today Green Bay lost to Chicago so that means we have home field advantage for all the play off games..

I just came back from rescuing Claudette again..every time she gets out of the car she fucks something up and the lights flash on and off and the horn beeps....I have to go out and fix what ever it is that is wrong..Well folks...I'm off to make some cookies and another pecan pie for the Bratprince and his folks..I would like to take this time to wish you all the best of the holiday seasons...and hope the new year brings you nothing but joy and happiness.

and for me...A super bowl win...