I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Friday, October 22, 2010


Ok, I'm sure you all have figured out by now that I have a sick and twisted sense of humor. A warped view on things. Well, this post is just going to enforce that sort of thinking.

So, your pondering your demise..sitting around wondering how you might die. At the ripe old age of 92 asleep in your own bed. 76 and having hot body slamming sex on the subway. A heart attack and dead before you hit the floor when you jump up from your chair yelling Bingo. All reasonable requests. I bet not one of you every thought about kicking the bucket from eating tainted celery.

"Oh Sara, I heard your husband Glenn passed away. What happened?"..."Well, it's was the weirdest thing, we were sitting at the dinner table eating chicken salad and he became ill, I rushed him to the hospital, he never regained conscious and died from contaminated celery."

I'm sorry, but when I read that 2 people died from eating celery I thought it was hysterical. I'm sorry to the families of the 2 people but really? Tainted celery...

SMU is going to showcase items that will later go to President Bush's Presidential Center.
Some of the items on display are Saddam Hussein's pistol and the bullhorn used by the President at Ground Zero.

Other items to goong on display are the soiled underwear he had on when they told him the second tower was hit and we were at war, the notes he scribbled while flying around the country when they thought he might be in danger after the towers went down. They were mostly circles within circles within circles and ' I'm fucked' in the center of each circle. There were also notes he made when he flew over New Orleans. These notes were little houses under water and 'your fucked' on top of the roofs.
I understand that President Bush's Library wont' have any books, but will have instructions on how to get to the local Library so you can check out a book about him.

oh this shit just keeps getting better and better.

Republican congressional candidate Stephen Broden stunned his party Thursday, saying he would not rule out violent overthrow of the government if elections did not produce a change in leadership.
In a rambling, exchange during a TV interview, Broden, a South Dallas pastor,(fucking Texans, I swear to Goddess, the stupid just goes on and on.)said a violent uprising "is not the first option," but it is "on the table."..That drew a quick denunciation from the head of the Dallas County GOP, who called the remarks "inappropriate."

"ya think?".
.'.well let me tell you something Stephen Broden .............bring it on. I'll spot you your younger age and you can spot me my brain.' You want to pick a fight? Call me..I'll come to your house..meet you in the center of Dallas and I promise you..your going to be one red-faced Republican. Because I will kick the ass attached to your pea brain all over downtown Dallas. I will tap dance on your forehead and cotton eyed Joe on your rib cage. Bring it the fuck on..You dumb fuck. That goes for your mama too.

I like to save the best for last.

Cowboys receive official help on fouls.
I'm sure all of you football fans know the Cowboys have been sucking, biting and blowing from stadium to stadium and the yellow flags have been flying.
The Cowboys lead the NFL in penalty yards per game at 80.0 and rank second in penalties per
game with 9.8. So the Cowboys front office decided to bring in some officials to help them with penalties. They will 'teach them to know what they can or can't do on defense and on offense.'
Excuse the fuck out of me?.....They have to be taught how to play the fucking game? Shouldn't that have learned that shit, say like, back in high school?...
I hear it on good authority that next week they will be bringing in retired players from the 70's Dallas Cowboys to teach them how to pass, block and run.

Even though there is news about Bush, stupid republicans, tainted celery and inept Cowboys...I don't give a shit..cause the Texas Rangers are going to play in the World Series. How sweet it is.


Nit Wit said...

The thing that's sad is that this has been a slow news week.
It should really get interesting between now and the election.

Twain12 said...

some days i'm happy i live in a boring country lol

Debra She Who Seeks said...

By their stupidity shall ye know them. YDG, you don't need to kick Broden's ass. Just make him a nice big salad with lots of CELERY in it, if you catch my drift.

billy pilgrim said...

i think a consistent quarterback and a coach with a little more pride might help the cowboys.

female, I shit you not! said...

It's too late to tell you not to let the Shit get to you, I see. :0)

Shrinky said...

If ever a guy deserved to die from a stick of celery (preferably shoved up his arse).. sheesh, and I thought OUR politicians were beyond belief! Love the way you tell 'em, keep it coming (please).

Anonymous said...

Adding celery to the list of ways I do not want to die.

Heard another joke about Bush's presidential library... something about how they had a hard time finding books for it where he didn't color outside the lines...

Charlene said...

Even though GW has never read a book he's written one and it's to be released soon, so he's out and about again. He said last week he really didn't like not being waited on hand and foot like the price he is not and he especially hates picking up his dog's poop.

I thought, comere and I'll show you some poop! He'd never been able to accept responsibility for any bad act he's perpetrated and he's upset about dog poop!?!?!

texlahoma said...

The celery thing reminded me of the guy who got run over by a steamroller.
They knocked on the door of his house to tell his wife what had happened.

"Mrs. O'Conner!" "Your husband has been run over by a steamroller!"

she says

"I'm not dressed, can you just slide him under the door?"


nit:yup..I see a renew of Jackiesue Rants coming up.
twain:it's going to get more exciting too.
debra:think that is going to be my new comment to people I don't like.."Can I interest you in some celery?"
billy:wish Nolan Ryan would buy the Cowboys.
female:get to me? hell it makes for great posts.
Shrinky:yup..put them in their bloody mary's..ha
jp:what a joke his library is.
Charlene:too bad he lives in a gated community..I'd have tons of dog shit delivered to his house.

Jan said...

Yeah, I'm taking comfort in the Giants making the playoffs.

Tony said...

Good Grief!!! I planted some celery seedlings in the garden yesterday. Must keep them untainted, must keep them untainted, must keep....

Roxrocks said...

What the French was the celery tainted with is what I want to know! Insane!
The Republicunt stuff too, flat out insane.


Jan:enjoy it while you can...snort*
tony:howdy sweety..
yup..I'm thinking don't crap around your celery.
Rox:I'm afraid to find out..I eat celery all the time..and figure my days r numbered.
all them fucking republicans are batshit crazy.

Miss Healthypants said...

LOL! Oh, Jackie Sue, you make me laugh. :) :)

At least I know that my husband will never die of tainted celery--he hates celery and won't eat it. :) Yeah, that would be such a freakin' bummer to die from that. It would be like dying while you're in the middle of a really tough workout. That would suck ass!

Oh, and when you said, "Other items to goong on display are the soiled underwear he had on when they told him the second tower was hit and we were at war"--I literally laughed out loud. :) You are too funny.

By the way, I freakin' FINALLY added you to my blog links on my page...I've been meaning to do that forever! :)

Nan said...

Tainted celery is still more proof diets will kill you. First it was alfalfa sprouts contaminated with salmonella, then it was lettuce with e.coli . . . and now celery with listeria. If that isn't an argument for sticking with chocolate and french fries, nothing is.

McRaven said...

OMG! I laughed so much that my fucking teeth hurt. I have missed this damn blog of yours. hahahaha

Intense Guy said...

Someone needs to ship Bush some of that celery...

Gazillion dollars a year and they can't be bothered to learn how to do their jobs... sheeshhh pro sports makes me sick.


healthypants:glad I made you laugh..it's my goal.
nan:yup..never heard anyone dying from bad chocolate.
mcraven:dang..I've missed you.
intenseguy:we should have a big salad bar with nothing but celery and invite the tea baggers..

Kulkuri said...

I heard that aWol's 'libury' would have a couple of books. "My Pet Goat", the one he was pretending to read while holding it upside down when the towers got hit on 9-11 and his favorite coloring book with some of the pages uncolored!!


kulkuri, I find the entire idea of him having a library a big fat joke.

Heff said...

You totally left out Bush's (almost) "Death By Pretzel" incident !