I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

BOROWITZ REPORT part 2

November 3, 2010

Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration

Over 55,000,000 Requests for Citizenship Since Tuesday Night

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) - Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past twenty-four hours, with over fifty-five million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night.

Of those fifty-five million requests, well over 99.99% of them came from U.S. citizens, with a particularly large number coming from residents of Florida and Kentucky.

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said that he was “flabbergasted” by the fifty-five-million-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase.

“My only theory is that after the 2010 winter Olympics, the sport of curling is finally starting to catch on,” he said.

He cautioned, however, that it is impossible to know exactly what is sparking the sudden interest in America’s frozen neighbor to the north: “People answering our immigration hot-line say that it is hard to understand many of the American callers because they are sobbing uncontrollably.”

In other news, responding to last night’s election returns, Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) told reporters, “I’m so stoked I just turned the tanning bed up to eleven.”

But former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin struck a more somber note, saying that despite several key victories, “it was a tough night for Tea Party voters because it involved so much math.”

9 comments:

Kulkuri said...

Maybe instead of moving back UP on the Tundra next year, we'll keep the U-Haul(think it should be called Y'allHaul here??) moving and stop on the other side of the "Big Gitchee Gummee".

Debra She Who Seeks said...

My ancestors moved to Canada from the U.S. as United Empire Loyalists right after the Revolutionary War. They saw what was coming, LOL!

McRaven said...

I understand anout the curling being a Minnesotian. hehehehe

Charlene said...

Interesting "news" there.

I will be staying right here in my ancestral home state [family been here since before it was Kentucky, when it was Virginia] and try to work for change I can believe in. I'm stubborn like that. :o)

heartinhand said...

LOL. Everyone wants to be CLM (Canadian Like Me!)

billy pilgrim said...

it's all a big plot to kidnap cousin eddie by the hollywood star wackers but it's not going to work.

we love randy quaid and we're going to keep him.

texlahoma said...

And don't come back!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

I'd love to visit Canader..but I'll be damn if I'll let these batshit crazy motherfuckers run me off from my country..I'd rather stay here and bring them to the Goddess for a little slap and bip.

Intense Guy said...

Too bad Canada isn't to the west or east instead of the north... I'd tolerate waiting in that line...