I left West Bank and Trust with a fist full of money and a need to shop...I had to go to the House of Satan to do so..and on Black Friday too..something I have never done before ...ever.
My plans were to buy the $400 computer, the $54 printer and a desk...When I finally found a parking space in Bumfuck Egypt, and walked up to these Marines waving their little bells I was already pissed...But I grappled around in my new Dolce Gabbana purse and tossed $4 into the pot,(telling them I better do this now as I won't have any money when I come back out) took a big breath and headed for the door..I took about 3 steps and came to a screeching halt..there must have been 8,732 people going in the doors...I softly said:"ohhhhhhh, fuck.".(did you know that Marines giggle?)Then a little louder:"Fuckity fuck fuck fuck..........fuck."
(they also laugh till they cry).OK, I girded my loins..something I had never done before(well, maybe right before my second marriage,I think I girded something..could have been my loins) and headed into the bowels of hell.....Wal-Mart..
I knew things were going to be ugly when there were only 3 empty carts left...fuckme..I'll never shop again.Slinging my new Dolce Gabbana purse(soft brown leather..softer than a cat's ass soft) into the nearest basket and took off at a dead run...which took me about 2 feet before I slammed into an ass the size of a Hummer, belonging to a woman surrounded by a gaggle of small children..all screaming at the top of their lungs the various toys they had to have as they could NOT live with out them...oh, sweet Goddess, what the fuck am I doing here?...Be calm Jackiesue..you're a tough ole broad and you can do this..
I detoured about the stretch pant clad ass and headed toward electronics....but wait..what do I see..?...A huge stack of the computers I want..Holy shit..can it be this easy?..I checked to make sure..and by Goddess, it's the computer I want..so I wrassled it into my cart and headed for the electonics...wait..there is a printer for $25...just how much will you use the printer Jackie?...enough to spend $54 when you can get this one for $25?...nope...so I wrassle it into the cart..I have now been in the store for less than 10 minutes..Holy shit..the Goddess is good.
I'm in the store for less than 10 minutes and I have saved my self $25...what a deal...oh shit, there's the fat lady again..and in 10 minutes she has had 3 more kids...jeez..
Now...since I'm in the area..I will go pick up a box of printer paper...on the way, I spot a Bissel bagless vacuum cleaner....for $25...Oh my
do I live right or what...My old Dirt Devil is now residing in the land fill outside West, Texas..full of cat and dog hairs from long ago pets..so I wrassle it into my cart...Off to the furniture area...and the desks...I see imacuntthedaughterinlaws sister who works at the House of Satan, and I like her a lot..so we bullshit, talk about family and how much of a pain in the ass they are...and then...I'm off to the desks..I see some really nice ones for $150, but I have a really nice one...I want a cheap ole desk just for my computer..so I can get my computer off my dining room table and use it for...a dining room table..and what do I see before my eyes?...a cheap ole desk for $38..I start to wrassle in into my cart, but there is no room, plus the mother fucker is heavy..A really cute guy asks if I need any help...I say..'what did you have in mind?'...(what is it about men giggling)...He wrassles my desk under the cart..we trade 'merry Christmas's' and I head off...Where I bump into everything and everybody with the desk as it is sticking out about 4 feet in front of the cart..."Oops, sorry..oh man..I'm sorry...uh, pardon me..sorry, sorry..fuck..oh sorry"...Lets see..I have a computer...a printer, a vacuum cleaner, a desk and a box of paper...I'm out of here...
I go wait in a line of 93 people...but they open up another register and I'm second in line..holy shit...the Goddess is good...I check out and get the 2-year service plan for the computer($28)..some cute little dude helps me take it to Bumfuck, passing the Marines who are still giggling and I pass that woman who is now giving birth to twins in the parking lot and I am on the road back to West and I was gone less than an hour and a half..That's including the trip itself, of about 30 minutes round trip...That's the fastest I have ever spent that much money ..
Now I am waiting for David O. to come over and help me put the desk together...I called him and said I can take out a water pump in my truck and replace it but I can't put this damn desk together...I know it's not rocket science..but I can't do it..David says.."Well, obviously it must be to you..."...smart ass..
So I have moved and rearranged furniture, sucked up every peice of lint, cat hair and rubber band in the entire apartment..and waiting for David to come put desk together..then Monday I will print out my address book, print out my pictures...and then delete that fucking zombie and hook up my new computer...Let me tell you..if that fucker gives me one iota of trouble, I will burn that fucking store down to the foundation...