I left West Bank and Trust with a fist full of money and a need to shop...I had to go to the House of Satan to do so..and on Black Friday too..something I have never done before ...ever.
My plans were to buy the $400 computer, the $54 printer and a desk...When I finally found a parking space in Bumfuck Egypt, and walked up to these Marines waving their little bells I was already pissed...But I grappled around in my new Dolce Gabbana purse and tossed $4 into the pot,(telling them I better do this now as I won't have any money when I come back out) took a big breath and headed for the door..I took about 3 steps and came to a screeching halt..there must have been 8,732 people going in the doors...I softly said:"ohhhhhhh, fuck.".(did you know that Marines giggle?)Then a little louder:"Fuckity fuck fuck fuck..........fuck."
(they also laugh till they cry).OK, I girded my loins..something I had never done before(well, maybe right before my second marriage,I think I girded something..could have been my loins) and headed into the bowels of hell.....Wal-Mart..
I knew things were going to be ugly when there were only 3 empty carts left...fuckme..I'll never shop again.Slinging my new Dolce Gabbana purse(soft brown leather..softer than a cat's ass soft) into the nearest basket and took off at a dead run...which took me about 2 feet before I slammed into an ass the size of a Hummer, belonging to a woman surrounded by a gaggle of small children..all screaming at the top of their lungs the various toys they had to have as they could NOT live with out them...oh, sweet Goddess, what the fuck am I doing here?...Be calm Jackiesue..you're a tough ole broad and you can do this..
I detoured about the stretch pant clad ass and headed toward electronics....but wait..what do I see..?...A huge stack of the computers I want..Holy shit..can it be this easy?..I checked to make sure..and by Goddess, it's the computer I want..so I wrassled it into my cart and headed for the electonics...wait..there is a printer for $25...just how much will you use the printer Jackie?...enough to spend $54 when you can get this one for $25?...nope...so I wrassle it into the cart..I have now been in the store for less than 10 minutes..Holy shit..the Goddess is good.
I'm in the store for less than 10 minutes and I have saved my self $25...what a deal...oh shit, there's the fat lady again..and in 10 minutes she has had 3 more kids...jeez..
Now...since I'm in the area..I will go pick up a box of printer paper...on the way, I spot a Bissel bagless vacuum cleaner....for $25...Oh my
do I live right or what...My old Dirt Devil is now residing in the land fill outside West, Texas..full of cat and dog hairs from long ago pets..so I wrassle it into my cart...Off to the furniture area...and the desks...I see imacuntthedaughterinlaws sister who works at the House of Satan, and I like her a lot..so we bullshit, talk about family and how much of a pain in the ass they are...and then...I'm off to the desks..I see some really nice ones for $150, but I have a really nice one...I want a cheap ole desk just for my computer..so I can get my computer off my dining room table and use it for...a dining room table..and what do I see before my eyes?...a cheap ole desk for $38..I start to wrassle in into my cart, but there is no room, plus the mother fucker is heavy..A really cute guy asks if I need any help...I say..'what did you have in mind?'...(what is it about men giggling)...He wrassles my desk under the cart..we trade 'merry Christmas's' and I head off...Where I bump into everything and everybody with the desk as it is sticking out about 4 feet in front of the cart..."Oops, sorry..oh man..I'm sorry...uh, pardon me..sorry, sorry..fuck..oh sorry"...Lets see..I have a computer...a printer, a vacuum cleaner, a desk and a box of paper...I'm out of here...
I go wait in a line of 93 people...but they open up another register and I'm second in line..holy shit...the Goddess is good...I check out and get the 2-year service plan for the computer($28)..some cute little dude helps me take it to Bumfuck, passing the Marines who are still giggling and I pass that woman who is now giving birth to twins in the parking lot and I am on the road back to West and I was gone less than an hour and a half..That's including the trip itself, of about 30 minutes round trip...That's the fastest I have ever spent that much money ..
Now I am waiting for David O. to come over and help me put the desk together...I called him and said I can take out a water pump in my truck and replace it but I can't put this damn desk together...I know it's not rocket science..but I can't do it..David says.."Well, obviously it must be to you..."...smart ass..
So I have moved and rearranged furniture, sucked up every peice of lint, cat hair and rubber band in the entire apartment..and waiting for David to come put desk together..then Monday I will print out my address book, print out my pictures...and then delete that fucking zombie and hook up my new computer...Let me tell you..if that fucker gives me one iota of trouble, I will burn that fucking store down to the foundation...
17 comments:
"twins in the parking lot"...excellent!
Another giggling man...
I love you Jackiesue, I just love you. And apparently the goddess does too. On Black Friday she greatly blessed you for having the courage to go into the bowels of hell. You are a great warrior and were rewarded greatly for it.
Holy Crap!!..
Not only did you succefully navigate the valley of death that is Mall-Wart,you scored big time on the purchases!..
Check it out..You can get a printer for 25 bucks,but the ink cartridges are like 32 bucks when you need one..Cheaper to get a new printer each time.
This post is even more hilarious than my favorite one when you're walking with your friend.
I'm so glad you found so many great deals, even if it was at the House of Satan. I don't know what kind of shopping cart you had, but it must have been a big one!
She should name the twins Evil and Greedy in honor of their birth place.
It kind of blew my mind when I found out about buying printer ink cartridges vs printers, sling is right! Now with the new computer maybe you can watch you tube, excellent!
You're my new hero(ine)! I haven't even started my Christmas shopping, don't know what to get anyone and haven't had time to go (I just got home from work and had to stop in to say HI)
The only thing I bought Friday was Wendy burgers on the way to work.
I never go anywhere near those nasty stores on the days they say I should go out shopping.
You’re brave, going into the lion cage when the lions are in a feeding frenzy. New computer, desk, vacuum and printer, oh boy. Sling is right though, they make their money on the print cartridges and the ink that is marked up 4000% over cost.
I think that giant baby machine shops up here too. It must be the government’s secret cloning project to create more shoppers to make their buddies in big business even richer.
Excellent! You're a much braver woman than I, there's no way in hell I'd go near a shopping area on black friday.
Allan:ok, maybe like her pants..I stretched the truth a little..ha
Mimi:ahh, I love you too sweety..and I will probably be scarred for life from my little adventure...
sling:what?...jeez..I should have checked out the replacement cartridges before I bought it..but don't they have a way that you can buy the ink and inject it into the cartridge?....doh
HMHH:I am only 5'4" and I could just barely see over the top of the cart...it was pretty funny..I could see people's expressions coming toward me and they looked pretty amused...
tex:dang..don't know why I didn't consult you experts before I went and bought the stupid thing..oh well...I will use it spareingly...
junebugg:I have a few things I need to get, but basicaly..I'm done..and first time since about 84 that I actually bought for me..felt good...
Nitwit: I swear every time I saw that woman in the store the group of kids had trippled...and all of them had runny noses and whiny voices....By the time I left..I wanted to hit someone...
rainwolf:no one ever said I was smart...brave maybe..smart...not a chance..ha
Hello Miss Jackie!
You're favorite Bubba Kolar here, child of Supreme Bitch Edda Mae!
The pecan pie was delish, and I did't share...much. :)
*squish*
congratulations on the new computer.
did you pop in the washroom and dump a bag of concrete in a toilet?
bratprince:oh my..how great to hear from you...hey everyone..this is amother westie....from west by goddess texas...glad you stopped by..I will tell everyone alllllll about you...
leo:I thought of alot of things i wanted to do while I was there..but was more important to just get my shit and get the farq out of dodge..
Ohhhh my God, LOL!! This is a classic! I was rolling from the start but when there are only three shopping carts left in Walmart, that's bad, LOL! I thought men shopped quick. If I have to spend more than ten minutes in a store, I'll go home and order it on Amazon. Hope your new computer is up and running, and it's exactly what you wanted. Getting a new computer is right up there with getting laid!
omg i forgot how much of a wonderful storyteller you are :) sounds like xmas came early!
yea Wal-Mart..China-Mart to me -evil evil hole of a place :P I did a huge piece/post on the bastids about a month ago or so
Hey !! Burning a store down will just get you in jail hon.
I'm going to buy a new computer soon also. But not from Walmart even though they have some great deals.
I don't want a computer with the Vista operating system on it, have heard too many bad things about it.
So I'm going to bite the bullet and pay a little more to a local computer shop that is still installing XP on their computers.
That is the most inspirational story I have ever read from one who braved the bowels of WM and emerged victorious. They should put you in a commercial.
I liked the part about your entertaining the Marines on the way in and also the "cute" guy who helped you get the desk under the cart. That happens to me too where some man I could have a sexual fantasy about helps me and I know it's because I remind him of his mother. No matter, at least I don't have to lift the heavy stuff! I never could seduce a guy on my looks and there's not enough time in this kind of situation to seduce him with my mind, so I'll take the help.
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