SOONER TALES 3

SOONER TALES
And Now, Our News

SMYRNA, Del. – Delaware State Police arrested a 27-year-old man who allegedly punched a woman while robbing a senior center on bingo night. Police said the 27-year-old and an accomplice entered the center about 9:30 p.m. Tuesday. They said the first man grabbed $1,200 in bingo money and destroyed a phone so that no one could call police.
Authorities said the man then punched a 75-year-old woman in the head after she tried to fight with him. A Newark man got involved and chased both suspects out of the center.
Police said the man then threatened the Newark man with a large stick and dropped $715 while fleeing the center.
A police officer arrested the 27-year-old man after a short chase but the accomplice remains at large.

Any dude that punches a 75 year old woman in the head and then threatens you with a "large stick" when you are stickless will make my ass walk a wide berth, or better yet I'll just turn around and act deaf. I intervened in a similar situation one night and got my spleen handed to me on a Ritz cracker, said cracker also stolen out of my glove box. A large stick was my weapon of choice until I was old enough to chop wood, then it was an axe. I would have stood my ground with my axe, but dammit I always leave it in the pickup going to the airport to "hoot" at foreigners.

METAIRIE, La. – Deputies said they didn't have to look far to find the person who stole thousands of dollars worth of heating and air conditioning equipment. They say the thief was right behind the counter.
According to a Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office arrest report, a 44-year-old man, who manages an appliance part store, may have made off with about $203,000 worth of inventory.
On Jan. 9, the manager filed a theft report indicating that 70 rolls of 50-foot copper sheets were missing from his inventory. The report said that further investigation by the company revealed that the manager had been entering the store after hours using his personal alarm code.
Officials said the manager later confessed to selling the equipment and pocketing up to $50,000 in cash on the deals.

"Oh. I'll just call the police and report a robbery THAT I JUST COMMITTED. No problem, everybody has a security code. Mine is double-top-secret."
WHAT A NIMROD. I wonder if he worked for the government in a previous job.
Nothing personal against Louisiana, but he has got to be fucked up just LIVING there. "By the way dude, that levee will hold, no problem."

And my personal favorite:
EL RENO, Okla. – Police officers responding to a domestic disturbance call found more than 80 cats and three dogs in an El Reno house soiled with animal fur, feces and urine. Officer Christina Penick said in a police report that there was an overwhelming smell of ammonia from cat urine, and cats were in the cabinets, on tables and running around the floor.
Code enforcement officers condemned the house. The family was allowed to keep four cats and they promised to give away the dogs. They were not cited. The animals appeared to be well-fed.
Most of the cats will be put up for adoption.

"This was the home of 'Elly Mae Clampett worshiper', Elly Mae Funkmule, who just loves furry critters. And she had a front porch couch. Makes my ass RIGHT proud. I think I'll just set myself on fire to celebrate the media coverage of this event. If I can stumble around the wine bottles spilling out of my rusty car on blocks that is a chicken house, then I'll find that gallon of fuckin' diesel, even if it shortdicks every Rastafarian in Jamaica!"
"Them's four lucky fuckin' cats, I am sure the other 76 and 3 dogs were jealous."
Dated 2-18-09, Yahoo Odd News.

The Bitch That Squeezed Eight Puppies

I am fascinated by this story, simply because I cannot comprehend how anyone would want to bring 8 babies into this world simultaneously by choice.

About Nadya Suleman:
Nadya is the mother of the octuplets born in California in January 2009.
She already had 6 other children, bringing her count to 14 kids!
The chances of delivering eight babies naturally are "unbelievably rare," said Dr. Richard Paulson
Nadya Suleman used fertility treatments in IVF to implant the 8 fertilized eggs. She did not expect all 8 to take.
This is the second example of live octuplet births
Her births, and the fact that she now has 14 children, sparked a morality debate about fertility treatments. Should parents use fertility methods to have so many children? Is it ethical to proceed with an 8 child pregnancy, knowing that it puts all 8 children at increased risk? Who should pay for the needs of these children, in terms of housing, health care, education, and more?
From Zimbio
See, this is all normal and tidy,

but the facts are there: Wikipedia
Nadya Suleman (b. 1975) (also known as Natalie Denise Suleman; Nadya or Natalie Suleman-Gutierrez while married; and Nadya or Natalie Denise Doud) was born in Fullerton, California. She was raised in La Puente, Hacienda Heights and Rowland Heights, all cities in San Gabriel Valley of Los Angeles County. She is the only child of Edward and Angela Suleman, who married in Las Vegas in 1974 and divorced in 1999. Beginning in high school, Suleman was desperate to become pregnant. She graduated from Nogales High School in La Puente, California in 1993 and studied to be a psychiatric technician at Mt. San Antonio College. She held a psychiatric technician license and worked as a psychiatric technician at Metropolitan State Hospital where her back was injured while at work. She filed a worker's compensation claim in 1999 against the hospital, later filing another claim in 2001 against the Workers' Compensation Appeals Board. She received a total of $167,908 in disability payments. She attended Cal State Fullerton and received a Bachelor of Science degree in child and adolescent development in 2006. Suleman returned to Cal State to pursue a master's degree in counseling, leaving the program in 2008.
Suleman married Marcos Gutierrez, a produce manager, in 1996. The couple separated in 2000 and divorced in 2008. After separating from her husband, Suleman moved back in with her mother. During this time, she had three miscarriages. She told a psychiatrist that she suffered deep depression and had suicidal thoughts while trying to get pregnant. Suleman resorted to IVF procedures, using a single sperm donor supposedly named "David Solomon" to father all of her children using the services of Dr. Michael M. Kamrava at his West Coast IVF Clinic. There is doubt as to whether "David Solomon" is the biological father's true name. The biological father of all 14 children is rumored to be a guest on Oprah in late February, 2009.
In 2001, Suleman started procedures to change her legal name to Nadya Solomon, but her name remained unchanged and there is no name-chane decree on file. The IVFs resulted in four single births and one fraternal twin birth, with four boys and two girls born between 2001 and 2006. As of February 2009, Suleman is receiving $490 per month in food stamps along with disability payments for three of her six previous children. She told NBC one of her sons is autistic, another has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and a third experienced a mild speech delay with very mild autism.
Factoids from Wikipedia

Where do I start,
She has six that are on welfare, and she NEEDED more, not just one or a couple, but 8 more. Ranging from age 7 to two months, this nutty chick will need a dumpster just for the tons of shitty diapers, and she will need an army of helpers or these kids will starve or become fully encased in fecal matter cocoons.

She will need her own dairy, and most likely it will simply come down to "trough" feeding as a more efficient way of nourishment for the army of wailing infants. There will be a "hose" down area needed for fecal disposal, and an assembly line belt system for getting them ready for school. They will need their own bus, and they will field their own little league baseball team, if they accept handicapped kids.

What if they all just decided to cry, all 14 of them...I am developing a twitch in my eye just thinking about it.
I would just walk out in front of a train white-knuckling a shitty diaper in one hand and an empty baby bottle in the other. It would be like being in Carnegie Hall with someone raking their fingernails down a chalkboard on a P.A. system, until your teeth and gums bled.

Well, the stupid bitch deserves everything she is going to get.

Oh, and she has gotten collagen shots or some shit, you know how some people look like cartoons?
She was going for the "Angelina Jolie look". Instead she got the beat up crack-whore look, minus the blood and bruising. Sorta looks like a swarm of Africanized Killer Bees zapped her in the mouth, pouty like two chunks of liver. I may never fuck again, lol.

And one other small point, "Brangelina" can afford an army of kids. As much as this deviant wants to be like Jolie, she WILL NEVER be Angelina Jolie. Her womb must look like an empty warehouse by now.
She is obviously packed with maternal issues that could be harmful to our National Economy and this could create a shortage of diaper supplies worldwide, let alone the baby wipe and formula crisis that will ensue.

She needs to be spaded to protect the Earth, plain and simple.
Anyways, I guess Obama better set aside a billion for this shit, we will be paying for it on top of what we are already paying for. Some people collect art, some coins, Suleman collects premature infants.

The Monkey That Removed a Human Face

Why did the chimp go ballistic?
The answer to why this chimpanzee went ultra-violently postal was because he was changing channels on the TV and the batteries went dead on the remote when it stopped on "The View" episode that showed the verbal sparring between Joy Behar and Ann "THE CUNT THAT ATE CHICAGO" Coulter. Therefore, he was driven to rip the face off of a woman "just visiting". As horrible as it is, I can fully understand how this could happen in a "Hannibal Lecter" sort of way. NEVER fuck with a monkey, J.S. will verify this fact.

Bear Grylls, shit eater

Is a bear Catholic, does the Pope shit in the woods?
I recently saw a "Man vs. Wild" episode on the Discovery channel that was filmed in Transylvania, and Bear Grylls demonstrated the art of eating nuts out of a pile of bear shit. Now, I have been insulted before in reference to "Why don't you eat the peanuts out of my shit?", or variations involving corn and even toenails, but I would never have thought of "shit nuts" as a viable alternative to eating grass, rocks or even sand in a survival situation. If it gets that bad, I would rather just smear BBQ sauce on my naked body and fling myself into that fucking bears' cave. One of us is going to get ate.

Perhaps Arnold "I DON'T HAVE A TUMOR" Governator Shwarzzenegwhateverthefuck should adopt survival mode for the state of California.
"Everyone will wark like Jamaicans! You will have 5 jobs! Tahxes will pay for roadz, education and the Oscars! Subjugate the mahsses, rape their women, throw their chidren into pits of starving dogs!"

Hector El Chico of San Frito, Ca. is dreading the longer hours he will be forced to work. "I all ready work 23 hours a day and I have just enough time to come home, grab my other lunch box, kiss my kids and slap my wife before I have to go back to work on the "Gut Truck" for the Highway Dept. "Sweet Mary, we all ready live in a one room pothole in the road, when will I have a day off to beat that bitch proper?"

Well Hector, perhaps you should just go to the mountains and find the biggest turd you can and set down for a buffet.
Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck.

A-ROD AND THE TIC TAC MONSTER

The funniest thing about this being news is that the general public's view on Major League Baseball and the steroid controversy is "Yawn...., who the fuck didn't take them, that list is much shorter".
Alex Rodriguez, a-rod, a-hole....admitted to using steroids in 2003, he sez "They weren't Tic-Tacs".

Frankly I don't give a flying fuck in a rolling donut if they all grow enormous Sputnik heads, or if they go into a rage and beat the shit out of mass transit buses with uprooted parking meters. It's good for baseball to see the guys so bulked up that they can kill people just by shitting in a toilet. A roid turd exploding into a mere porcelain toilet will create some wicked shrapnel, and it is just the risk that a fan must take when he is draining his 10 dollar beer,... you see, collateral damage is a way of life.

Baseball is soooo mind numbingly boring, there isn't enough violence. To improve ratings they should implement the bat rule when there is a bench clearing brawl. Helmets and bats should be allowed when a fight erupts, turn it into a 52 player cage match of bat wielding steroid rage. There's some drama for ESPN to spin over and over until we go numb.

Here's a heads-up to all the ball cap manufacturers out there, hope you are making those fuckers in "Encephalitic" , "Waterhead" and "Sputnik" sizes, because a new breed of customer has come to town.

SQUIRREL WARS: EPISODE ONE

So my friend "The Greg" comes to my house and strikes the first blow, he baits the enemy by throwing a bucket of pecans on my front porch next to the five pecan trees where the squirrel hive is lurking. Now those little tree rats will fuck with my soul, hell bent on my insanity, frolicking on my compound of beer and porn research. And so it begins....
The pure white-hot hatred I harbor for these vermin is legendary and extreme, I am staring at my 1200 ft. per second air rifle that can "cack" a tree rat from scope range. Unfortunately, I live on a block that is zoned half-commercial(downtown), so I must be discreet

As far as I am concerned, they are "Nips In The Wire.
I am going up on top of my house and slowly sliding down the 12/12 pitch roof with my shingle camo armor in place, I got all day, fucker...

Thanx J.S. for the e-mail, perfect pic of that shrew Hillary, Ice Crotch Lizard that she is...
Yahoo would not let me put that on this e-mail to forward, I think Hillary is reading my stuff.
"Hey Hillary, if you are reading this, would you like to come over and play Choo-Choo train with Clem, Bubba and Cooter? We'll give you a red apron and an oil can and you can be the Kaboose."
Bubba has took a shine to her, ain't that the shits.

SOONER BORN AND SOONER BRED, AND WHEN I DIE I'M SOONER DEAD