I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

STRICKLY COUNTRY'S FIRST CHILI COOK-OFF

This is Bimbo, and some girls. Bimbo finally is in high cotton. He hurt his back on the job and is waiting for the money to come pouring in..The only thing he's worried about is the 5 DUI's he got and afraid he will get a big payoff but will have to spend 4-5 years in jail before he can spend it.
Me trying to figure out what Patsy is doing..

Me figuring out she's taking my picture and complaining 'I'm not ready.'





Bimbo and his staff. I asked him if he could part the red sea with his staff. He said:"no, but I can part some legs with it."

That's Lester behind the bar. He and his family are related by marriage to me...some how..He's also a pig. Soon as the chili cook-off was over, he and his wife took all the winning chili home with them, leaving nothing for anyone else to try. The guy that won the contest had a bunch of friends come down for the contest and to have some of his chili and there was none left after Lester the Leech scarfed it up. No one would say anything to him about it..but I walked up to him and started making oink oink snorting noises. He was pissed...guess who didn't care?




Patsy Patsy Patsy showing Merle a video of Andy doing the monkey dance(her boyfriend) and it was pretty funny...




Dion who is probably one of the best pool players in West. Years ago during a drunken Westfest he grabbed me and gave me a big ole kiss and Maryjo punched him in the nuts. She was about 9 and didn't like the idea of anyone messes with her Mom..I think the guy on the right is Jimbo and his chili was the winner.

Merle the Pearl, who nearly had a nervous breakdown over the chili cook-off. He was so afraid it wasn't going to turn out and people would be pissed. I told him not to sweat it..it started at 9am and by 1pm judging they were all too drunk to give a fuck anyhow.

Some drunk who came for the chili.









The guy on the left is the winner and Clyde on the right had the second to worse chili. When they put the cup down with his sample in it..it made a thunk sound...It had no broth, no red and could put a brick fireplace up with it..
Kutch on the left with beard had the worse Chili. It was all broth and looked at lot like something you'd find in a toilet. Brown water and some meat at the bottom..It was the worse. I still wake up in the middle of the night gagging, trying to get the nasty taste out of my mouth...When I tasted it I looked up and said 'this shit sucks'...and no one disagreed with me.



Clyde and the crazy lady and Clyde's wife. Clyde used to own a bar in Leroy, just down the road, and I worked for him as a bartender for a while..those old farts loved me..I made popcorn and wore short skirts. He would let me take the money home with me every night, which freaked me out as I didn't want the responsibility of having the money with me..but he insisted..I finally got tired of him chasing me around the bar after closing and quit.
It's hard to say if the chili cook-off was a hit or not..It was pretty nippy and windy out and only 5 people showed up for the cook-off...In actuality it just gave them all an excuse to drink beer at 9am. (not that they need an excuse). Lester, me and 2 other people were the judges. I'm so bad at names, I know all of them but can't remember who's who. All I do know is next year if they have one, I'm not being a judge..that shit sucked. 2 bowls of good red does not cancel out 3 bowls of lousy chili. I had always thought there was no such thing as bad chili....boy was I wrong. After we had judged the chili and named the winners. Bimbo's chili came in second, I said we should take the judges slips and throw them fuckers away as I didn't want anyone to know how we voted. No one wants to be told his chili sucks, even when it does. But Merle said "but they want to know who took 3rd, 4th and 5th. I said no they don't. I didn't want them to know anything until I got in my truck and went home. I didn't need to be confronted by some old drunk wanting to know why I only gave his chili a 1 out of 5.(because we couldn't give a minus 5). So that was my adventure into chili judging. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't enter the contest with my chili. Then Patsy reminded everyone about the time I made chili for a benefit and it melted all the plastic spoons and they had to put it into real bowls because it ate holes in the Styrofoam bowls. But I do think next year I'll make chili as there is no way I'm eating any more of that bilge water Kutch served up. But I will ask Clyde to make me some of his chili, cause I need to patch the cracks in my sidewalk.








21 comments:

Junebugg said...

Damn it, I'm at work and although I managed to fool the "puter nazi into letting me read your blog I can't see the pics 8-{

mrsb said...

Damn, I miss Texas.

Maybe next year I'll come down with my chili. It won't melt the paint off your house, but you'll definitely know when it's left your body, lol!

Nit Wit said...

Everyone always thinks their chili is the best. And the judges are always the losers.
Starting to drink that beer at 9 AM goes a long way towards improving the taste of that chili.
I mailed something and even remembered that I had to put stamps and an address on it.

Kulkuri said...

Your chili sounds like the boss. Is it the kind where you have ice cream for dessert and the next day you sit and holler "come on ice cream"??

Roxrocks said...

LOL I love your tales of West! I always read "The West" though, which makes it even better sometimes like when you say "He's the best in West" and I read "He's the best in THE West" well, it's all good.

sageweb said...

That guy is an ass for taking all the good chili.
I love the pictures and the story. You crack me the hell up.

Woozie said...

he and his wife took all the winning chili home with them, leaving nothing for anyone else to try

gangsta

jan said...

I'm shocked, shocked to learn that Texans can make bad chili. I thought it was in your genes.

LostInColor said...

How can they take the winning chili home??? You are so funny! Love the pictures and your post.

Ted said...

After 15 abyssmal years of eating yankee soup called "chili", the Lord had mercy on my ass and by His Grace moved me to the southwest, where I discovered the real thing:
New Mexico Green:
Dice onion, green pepper and (atleast) three Jalapeno peppers, add to two pounds of ground chuck and cook in covered skillet on low flame for 30 min/until brown, stirring intermittently. Add touch of garlic powder and Lowrey's seasoning salt. Drain grease, then add one diced fresh tomato and one can of Brook's Extra spicy chili beans (pinto). Let simmer for 15 more minutes.
Enjoy.

You're welcome.

yellowdog granny said...

junebugg:you want me to send them to you in a email?
mrsb:i still think you need to come down for westfest and have a skunk egg.
nitwit:what's funny is if you just look at it..you''re first thought HAS to be..what the fuck is this shit?...i mean it looked like toilet water..how can some one think that would be a good idea?...sigh* they said that bimbo had been drinking since 7am..guess he was going to try for his sixth dui..
oh, packages i love packages.
kulkuri:yup..that's my chili already..
rox:in this case dion might be the best in the west..he's really good..yea, im thinking we're due for another west news update.
sage: glad you liked it..im still pissed over the chili theft.
woozie:in spades.
jan:you know that was what i was thinking..how the hell can kutch who is in his 70's make such lousy chili and think it's good enough to enter in a chili cookoff..but then he voted for bush twice too.
lic:the assholes just took some big cups and started filling them up...and took them home..bastids.

Ted said...

Hell, I thought beer was the natural beverage to have WITH chili...never tried it as an ingredient.
Thanks for the tip!
My Texas Red's gonna get even better:
(Old recipe)
Dice onion, bel pepper and tomato and add with garlic powder to three pounds ground chuck.
Cook in covered skillet 30 minutes/til brown.
Drain grease.
Add one can of Ranch Style Beans (optional; better if you just leave them out).
Allow to simmer 15 minutes.

Still have fond memories of the only, commercially mass-produced Texas-born chili:
It's called Wolf brand, because you'll want to wolf it down.

Thanks again for the recipe, YG...As cold as it's getting up here, I'll have a chance to cook some up - doubly so if beef prices follow the fuel prices!

RunninL8 said...

Brothy chili?!?!? I mean... what the fuck?!?! Why even..
That bar looks like the Rock Creek Tavern outside of Missoula Montana. They have the Rocky Mountain Testicle Festival there. I think that same group of people hangs there.
So, I wanna try your chili.
My Huz makes his with TVP.. RAAAAAAAAALFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

catscratch said...

Mmmmmmmmmmm.... chili.....

Mmmmmmmm....

Bwaaahahaaa at parting legs with the cane.

billy pilgrim said...

it takes a brave person to be a chili judge.

buddha_girl said...

Ha!!!!!!!!!!! Bilge. She said bilge!

I do NOT envy you. I have this thing about eating food cooked by a stranger in said stranger's house. You never know WHAT that place looks like!

Glad you made it out of there before being shot. We would have missed you.

random moments said...

Dude, that drunk is my father. Haven't seen him in weeks!

Robin said...

CanNOT believe I'm late on the chili cookoff post! Been looking forward to it forever! (haven't even had time to post me ownself so there!)

HYSTERICAL! Reminds me so much of the neighborhood bar I used to work in in Round Rock, we neve had a cook off but we had cook "outs" and there was some judging going on by the early drinkers! It was all fun though! *until someone got DUI number 6*

Leg parting cane? That's just not right!

It sounds like some disgusting stuff. And I'm TX born and bred but I use hamburger in my chili! With JUST the right amount of "broth"...It needs a spoon, not a mortar spade. BTW...I'm laying tile next week, got any leftovers?

As usual, you're a "pip"! Love the pics and am glad you have a cast iron stomach!

That Rude Girl said...

That looks like fun. Glad you had a good time. You were so daring to try the poopy looking chili. I know I never would have been able to eat any.

tsduff said...

Have also awaited your chili-judging post. Wow, how disappointing! Man alive, I was looking forward to reading about .... CHILI! I love the stuff... and never imagined we would have to be reading about toilet water. Bleah. I'm sorry you had to suffer through something so intolerable. Truly West needs a new, uplifted standard. After having the privilege of sampling your own green pork stew, the chili scene that was blessed with your presence has fallen below anyone's reasonble expectations!

You have funny stories about everyone else. Love hearing them all.. no one is safe from the SOBER ONEKANOBE!

Josh said...

Some of the best chili I ever had included (among other things) rum and curry powder in the ingredient list. It gave it a very complex taste and a very nice dark red color.