I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Saturday, April 26, 2008

DEAR FAMILY DOLLAR CUSTOMER

I am not your maid, please put the blouse back where you found it, not on the lawn hoses in the garden section.
Please refrain from letting your children jerk things off the shelves and throw them on the floor. I don't care that little Timmy is the apple of your eye, he is a brat and needs a bip on the back of his head. Also it would be a nice thing if you actually kept an eye on him, as he goes through the candy section, ripping all the bags open and eating one of everything and all of the M&M's.
Don't wait till I have rung up everything before you decided to dig through your fucking purse for either your cash, check book or debit card...and please read the fucking sign right by the door when you came in that tells you we do not take Credit cards, only cash, check or debit.
If the amount is for $16.98 please, do not dig through your purse (which a Sherpa could use to hold all his camping gear when he scales Mount Everest) to try and find all of the 98cents, one fucking nickle at a time.
Once I have sub-totaled your merchandise, please do not go 'oh, I forgot to get toilet paper' and then walk slowly to the back of the store where the toilet paper is, pick it up, then detour through the clothes aisle looking for a pair of shorts that will fit your size 3X ass, while I am still waiting at the register with 9 other people, trying to explain to them, that I would love to ring up their 2 greeting cars, bottle of bleach, and a pair of orange clogs, but I am still trying to check your fat ass out..
Please...learn how to speak English...I know it's hard, but I'm afraid I'm going to sell you the wrong product, phone card, or medicine because I don't know enough Spanish to figure out what you want...If not I will be forced to use what Spanish I do know to tell you your father fucks goats and you are an asshole..
If you know you have a bad check out..don't think we won't scan your check through the machine and find out that we can't take your check...and if you do..please don't drag out $13.91 and say, can you take off everything but what ever I can buy with this?..
Don't steal, we can see you...If not the bulging pockets on your pants, or the flat purse that suddenly has gained 14lbs is a sure give away...Watch your kid, he sees you do it and then comes in the next day and tries to stuff a Speed Racer toy in his pants..
When you kid wants a toy or candy and you won't buy it for him, please bip the kid in the head when he starts yelling and throwing himself on the floor, kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs..and if you DON'T smack the kid, please don't give in to him to get him to shut up..Bipping is the way to go.
Do not wait till 10 minutes till closing to do your weeks grocery shopping..Do not wait till 5 minutes till closing to decide to try on every blouse, skirt, pants, dress in the store and then leave with out buying anything, leaving all the clothes scattered all over the floor. Remember..I'm not your fucking maid. Most of all do not come in at 5 minutes till closing and get your stuff and after I have wrung it up say:"oh, it's only $8.17? Gee if I'm going to write a check I want to make it for more than that." And start looking up and down the aisle for something you might need...Then when I loudly say it's 8 o'clock, we're closing...say: 'are you talking to me?'...No you stupid bitch I'm talking to the Winnie The Pooh stuffed animal marked down to $1.80...
Other than that...I had a great day...

17 comments:

Jez said...

That is a great day when your working in the customer service field. Customer service sucks ass! I was great at it, but hated it! Especially since I did it for a health insurance company and a credit card company! Talk about HELL!

Big Tex said...

I feel your pain, cuz. Don't work in retail anymore, but I get to do the customer service thing talking to people at the branches all day long, and I swear, dealing with those people is worse than dealing directly with the clients would be. Part of the problem is that they know they're higher on the corporate pecking order than we are, and talk to us like they're at a drive-thru at McDonald's ordering a fucking hamburger. People smacking their gum or eating food while they're talking, flying off in a rage when you tell them that something can't be done...ugh. Customer service sucks balls.

Kalibitch said...

Okay. I'm going to stop complaining about my job. At least I don't have to put up with crazy shit like that.

Nan said...

I will never complain about my job again.

Anonymous said...

This is why I avoid work like the Ebola Virus...people! If they were animals, I could deal but people? They're retarded.
-Rox

Kulkuri said...

What are those phrases in Spanish?? The first phrase in Spanish that I learned is: No Chinga Dinero!! Then it took me years and years to verify what it meant.

yellowdog granny said...

jez:im good at customer service and most of the time i like it..but some people make it really hard..especially the unruly kids..
bigtex: there is one lady who will not speak to me or inky..she brings her stuff up pays for it and leaves..if you try and make conversation, she absolutely refuses to talk, so i just keep talking, about the weather , the prices, the stuff she's buying, just to make it obvious that i know she's not talking to me and i could give a shit..
kali:some of the elderly customers i absolutely love..they are sweet and so appreciative of our help, we carry stuff to the car for them, tell them about sales, special prices etc, and they are just lovely..
nan:oh you can complain...ha..it just wont do any good..
rox:most of the times i like them, it's just those special ones that when they come in the door, you mutter 'oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck'...

kulkuri:pendejo is asshole...and cabrone is a literal I think translation of 'old goat' that has been bastarized into your father fucks goats..or at least that's what julio rodarte told me..

tina said...

That is the greatest summary of customers as well as just how people are out in public - I have no tolerance for people that enter a store and think they can do whatever the hell they want.

Example: I'm in Kroger one evening and I hear over the intercom, please come get your children at customer service! WTF?! I think I actually said that out loud. Sure enough this woman and her kids were in front of me in line about 15 min later (the cashier told me after they left) because the woman was out of control. She was so out of it and crazily running around from customer service, to end of her cart, throwing her purse on the next cashier's check thru counter, of course she had some issue about pricing on an item and a coupon she couldnt use.

She was trying to collecti her kids and then leaving her empty grocery cart in front of mine to where I had to push it out of the way so I could be next in line. She was a mess and all of us were trying to figure out why.

billy pilgrim said...

i hated the fucking morons that would throw their coins on the counter and expect me to chase them. civilized people hand their coins to the cashier.

old enough to moan said...

You paint such a picture of life behind a retail counter. My step daughter works in retail and although we don’t have many 'Spanish' speaking Brethren in the UK she has makes similar comments regarding certain members of the community whom it would be very un-PC to mention by name - or draw cartoons of!

Lily Strange said...

The word "homicide" comes to mind.
Suddenly the old folks look very beloved to me.
I bet you get some of those in there. My grandmother was one of them. Shopping with her made me want to hide my head in a bag. First it took forever. Then she'd get up to the counter and take an eternity writing her check and argue with them when they asked for ID. I was 19 and dense enough to try and argue with her in the car.
"They asked you for it last time too, Grandma. Couldn't you just give it to them?"
"It's an insult! I've been coming to that store since it was built in 1955..."
Never mind.
When I worked in the restaurant I loved the asshats who came in 10 minutes before closing wanting a meal. Now I love it when people page me 10 minutes before the end of my shift. Couldn't y'all wait till the shift change and tell my day shift co-worker that you've been farting all night?? I'm drooling on my desk by now and want to go home, not spend the next half hour explaining to your ass that beans will do that! Which at the tender age of 85, you should know anyway.

That Rude Girl said...

Oh, so many good memories of the retail world...NOT.

I, too, hated the last minute people who would come into my department (swimwear & coats). In the fall and winter, they would try on dozens of coats, leave them unbuttoned and in a pile on the floor and in the spring they would pull the padding out of all the bikinis and leave swimsuits all over the fitting rooms.

When I worked at a clothing store, I was folding sweaters and a classmate from law school came in and messed up all my piles. BITCH! I will never forget that. That might be why it gave me such great pleasure to learn she had to take the bar exam THREE f@cking times! HA HA HA HA

Retail blows. Unfortunately, I'll probably have to go back to it again someday if things keep going like they have been. :(

yellowdog granny said...

tina:probably because of all those damn kids...
billy;oh that's another thing that pisses me off..either tossing their money on the counter all wadded up or tossing the change at me like im some pole dancer..bastids..
oetm:i told my boss tom today i hope the bosses at family dollar never read my blog..i'll be fired..he just shrugged his shoulders and said assuming they can read..
lily:actually i love the little ole lady's and i feel the same way she does about them checking my id.we're all so spoilt..the only 2 places in town that want id or check id is the 2 dollar stores..every one else just takes the check and puts it in the register...
rudegirl:i had about 89 customers in the store tonight and we doing all of the things i mentioned..wandering all over the place while i was checking them out, tossing things on the counter..and only one of them could speak english..but the only saving grace was the invited me to the grand opening of the new mexican resturant for free food...i went and was the only gingo in the joint but the food was absolutely terrific...the best green salsa i have ever eaten..and sooo hot...

Babs said...

I'm gonna start working on doing every one of these to you. Muwhahahahhaa.

PS. Gringo has an "r" in it.

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McRaven said...

I am so bad at commenting, but this week I'm sort of drowning in emotions.

This made me smile though. I love you missy!

Nit Wit said...

Most apples of someones eye have at least one worm. I have five Posts to catch up on or I would tell you how with one act I stopped any problems with kids and grandkids in stores.
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