I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A SOONER RANT..

Elvis
Apparently, Elvis more than likely died due to constipation, rather than heart arrest ...his doctor confessed that he actually appeared "bloated and overweight" in concert, but it was mostly due to the fact that Elvis was FULL OF SHIT!
Now, this is a sure sign of the coming APOCALYPSE,... the de-frocking of a demigod myth that Elvis was eating like Oprah and died of heart problems, and the truth be known he used to take EPIC dumps at Graceland,... massive Earth Axis shifting grindage that ran Priscilla out of the house and made her daughter jump into Michael Jackson's spindly arms.....THAT'S how bad it was.
Elvis Presley died of chronic constipation, it has been claimed.
The rock 'n' roll legend, who died on the toilet in 1977 from what has always been believed to have been heart failure is said to have refused surgery which would have relieved him of the problem, according to a doctor close to the star.
Doctor George 'Nick' Nichopoulos was with the Viva Las Vegas singer when he died, and believes his refusal to deal with the problem killed him.
He said: "We didn't realise until the autopsy that his constipation was as bad. We found stool in his colon which had been there for four or five months because of the poor mobility of the bowel.
"He would get embarrassed. He'd have accidents onstage. He'd have to change clothes and come back because of the way we were trying to treat his constipation."
According to Dr. Nichopoulos, Elvis suffered from a hereditary condition called bowel paralysis, and the autopsy revealed his colon was five to six inches in diameter, compared to the usual two to three inches.
Speaking to Fox News about the release of his book The King and Doctor Nick, he said: "If they had done the colostomy then, he'd probably still be here."
Goddammit,... leather jump suits and being cool do not hide the fact of a nine foot colon, that is confirmation of the impending big fire, for sure. And by the way, his old lady was hot and his daughter was too, but a nine foot turd is neither sexy nor worthy of a tour bus.
And he is dead, and he will valiantly fight to remain dead for eternity.

SEX WITH ANOTHER'S ONE
When you fuck around ( insert guilt) and don't get caught, I guess it just has to remain un-said,... a dirty lil pair of underwear "shitcovered" in the trunk of the "2'nd" car in your family unit.
Now, you can blame it on Oprah, or oil prices, or lack of Orgasms, but if you fuck around on your partner, eventually it will be public knowledge. Sometimes it can be turned into a parade, or A JIHAD!
Now, with this being said, Tiger Woods, Jesse James and Tiki Barber have all traded out of their respective relationships for "A DIVORCE DECREE FROM HELL", one of such imminent horror and misery that they should all "by decree" line up like lemmimgs and jump into a huge wood chipper on Saturday Night Live, after Betty White turns them down for dinner. And kicks them in the nuts.
Now , that's entertainment, and I hope that Conan O' Brien kicks Jay Leno's ass on Jimmy Fallon's desk, using Oprah's fat ass used as a 300 pound war hammer, "doubling as a black hole, a planet eater". I hate them all, because they are shoved into our living rooms without our final approval, and if we pay for this right of viewing, why can we not choose our own programming, as stockholders and investors.
And fuck The View, and anything involving starving children and ex-TV stars.

Funny, Bush don't look so bad ...now.
He mows his yard, and weed eats and picks up his paper every morning.
... his old lady talks about how he drank like a fish, and she explains how the Gulf Oil Spill could become Obama's "Katrina"....I found it interesting how she explained that his controversial "fly-over" of hurricane damage was actually a calculated move, to ease traffic and logistic security concerns during early post-Katrina damage "fly-bys" in Air Force One.
To present a motorcade in flooded New Orleans would have been stupid at best. Which is why Laura suggested they do not do this. And G-DUB was lookin' for weapons of mass destruction. He oddly found one at the mouth of the Mississippi.
One positive note, the Texas Rangers were fairly successful when he owned them, and he had two pretty hot daughters.
BUT,
HE HAD CHENEY, and this can never be forgiven. Dick "BIRDuntin' Head Shootin' Cheney.

NFL NEWS
Ben Roethlisberger's dick surrendered to authorities, and is in protective custody under a straight-jacketed crotch sling NASA device, monitored via sensors and erection wave GPS SEISMIC PENIS enhanced monitoring equipment, endorsed an approved by Roger Fucking Goodell.
Prolly a good thing,.that encephalitic headed concussed motherfuck don't know his dick from a jelly bean, and if he did he most likely wouldn't GIVE a fuck anyways.
In a bold act of patriotism, Lawrence L.T. Taylor committed rape with a minor to keep the N.F.L. on it's proverbial toes. "Een tho' ah'm retarred, I got's to do my part, know what I'm sayin?"
Dancing with the Stars goes to court and tangos his way to preseason.
I got no take on the draft, it is too early to tell, I just wish I could have been in Jamarcus Russell's shoes, 39 million fucking dollars and 3 years of going to Vegas and eating like Jethro and coming to camp with an ass like Oprah's ...shit.

12 comments:

Name: female, I shit you not! said...

helloooooooooooooooo
Am I missing something ? lol



Wish I could do this, but it isn't in my nature. hahahahaha

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

oh thats funny..i forgot to make the print yellow and it was black print on black background..haha..ok..here it is.. another sooner rant.

Name: female, I shit you not! said...

was good for a belly laugh m/f

soonerfan78 said...

Actually the word at the end "preseason" (in my post) was "preeson" as in a hispanic dialect, ....where I could be... because I have gotten all political and shit.

L.T. will most likely get out of "preeson" and come and kick my everlovin ass.

But, I do need a good asskickin' every now and then.

Nit Wit said...

If Sooner says it then it must be so.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

sooner: sorry i used spell check automatically and it changed it..duh!
and your right nitty..

Jason said...

If the spectacular failure of Jamarcus Russell is not enough proof that the NFL needs a rookie salary cap, then I don't know what is..

WgS said...

I don't understand a thing in this post, but it sounds like a damn-fine rant collection.

Big Pissy said...

Just came by to say "hi"!!!!!! :)

soonerfan78 said...

Dear Miss "I shit you not", it is nice to meet you, I ain't shittin'ya! Thanks for the comment.

Y.D.G, you KNOW that you are the Hostess with The Mostest, hugs and bitch slaps on the house, lol.

My old freind Mr. Net Wit, you are too kind, because of my multiple personalities I am forced to make a majority decision when I blog. So in closing, the chorus of me sez it is so. Thanks, and I hope all is well with you.

Jason, he could possibly go down as the biggest bust in N.F.L. history,.. a continued disinterest in coming to camp in shape, or even coming at all(rookie holdout), and non-believer in the concept of "PLAYBOOK" plays.

He will have to spiral into a descent of breaking the law to surpass Ryan Leaf, we shall see. Thanks.

WGS, I don't understand it either. Thanks.

I love that name, Big Pissy, I really do. Thanks, and HI to you too!

Intense Guy said...

Goodness... the more I learn about Elvis....

Kulkuri said...

Good Rant. Got one nit to pick, aWol didn't own the Texas Rangers, if he had they would have gone tits-up like everything else he did. The owners gave aWol a small share so they could use his name and gave him more after they sold the team for a profit.