I'm a pagan...I'm a liberal..I live in West, Texas..

Monday, May 10, 2010

ANOTHER STOLEN BOROWITZ REPORT

May 9, 2010
Republicans Insert Name ‘Kagan’ into Speeches Opposing Obama’s Supreme Court Pick
New iPhone App Generates GOP Rhetoric

WASHINGTON (
The Borowitz Report) - Moments after news of President Obama’s choice for Supreme Court justice spread across Washington, congressional Republicans rushed to insert the name “Elena Kagan” into speeches opposing the President’s judicial nominee.In the text of a speech released Sunday, hours before Ms. Kagan was selected, House Minority Leader John Boehner (D-Ohio) states, “I opposed the nomination of BLANK because I believe BLANK would lead the court down a dangerous path towards judicial activism. In short, I cannot think of a worse choice for Supreme Court than BLANK.”The anti-Kagan rhetoric was generated last week before Ms. Kagan was nominated, GOP insiders said, by using a new iPhone app called iOppose.In other news, Study of the Neanderthal genome at UC Santa Cruz has revealed that mating between humans and Neanderthals may explain one of science's most persistent mysteries: the existence of Glenn Beck."We believe that sex between a human and a Neanderthal may have resulted, some fifteen thousand years later, in several of the Fox News Channel's primetime hosts, including Glenn Beck," said a leading genetic researcher at the university.But while sex between humans and Neanderthals may explain the existence of the controversial Fox host, other mysteries remain, the researcher said: "While it is likely that a human would have sex with a Neanderthal, it is unclear who would have sex with Glenn Beck."The discovery that Neanderthals and humans mated fifteen thousand years ago took many scientists by surprise: "Previously, we thought the first time this occurred was on 'Jersey Shore.'"Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security said that it had been following Times Square bombing suspect Faisal Shahzad, “but only on Twitter.”

12 comments:

Charlene said...

I think sex with Neanderthals explains Michelle Malkin too!

Love that new iPhone ap iOpose! SMILE. This makes me giggle!!!

Jan said...

I had sex with a Neanderthal once. It wasn't bad.

Willym said...

There have been occasions when the only people that would have sex with me were Neanderthals. Mind you they don't kiss and tell - just sort of grunt afterward.

Twain12 said...

never suprised me LOL

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

I love ole borowitz...and I've been on a date or two with some neanderthals..couple of grunts and they were done.

billy pilgrim said...

stephen colbert says there aren't any protestant supreme court justices and now obama picks a jew when there were already 2 jews.

now there will be as many muslims as protestants on the supreme court. who would have thunk it.

Mom said...

I expect Ms Kagen will be nominated, making it 3 women on the court. That should be a good thing.
Thank you for explaining Beck to me. The neanderthal connection does seem obvious.

texlahoma said...

Off subject - in case you heard about the tornadoes in Ok, we made it through, no damage here, pretty sure Sooner made it ok too. Talk to you later.

Nit Wit said...

That's an insult to Neanderthals everywhere. Borowitz is always good I get him in my Email every day.

Long day. I have to send you an Email.

Intense Guy said...

Those poor Geigo Caveman.. they get no respect.

I had to chuckle at "we thought the first time this occurred was on 'Jersey Shore'" and blow raspberries at the DHS bullsh*t.

Ted Amadeus said...

It's a shame to this allegedly-"free" country that there's not one cross-dressing skin-head on the entire SCOTUS...Descrimination, dammit! Blatant discrimination!!!

Seriously though, GOPhers suck at obstructionism, and should really stick to scare-tactics & fear-mongering; the kind of shit parties out of power are good at.
Maybe they can pick up Tom Daschle in the draft picks next year: I hear he's a free agent and well-experienced where they're lacking.

The Sports Lounge Team said...

I think the Storm has a bit too much money and not enough shredding machines :-)...most teams probably do it but they destroy the evidence so they dont get caught...im sure the salary caps are much higher in the US yep! much higher