May 18, 2010
China to Stop Spying on its People; Will Use Facebook Instead
Social Network to Replace Listening Devices, Spy Satellites
BEIJING - (The Borowitz Report) - The Chinese government announced today that it would disband its extensive domestic spying program that gathers personal information on its citizens and would instead use Facebook.According to the head of the domestic spying operation, China decided to scrap its elaborate array of spy satellites, eavesdropping devices and closed-circuit surveillance cameras after recognizing that Facebook put them all to shame."At the end of the day, we were not getting as much intimate personal data as Facebook does," he said. "So as of today, every man, woman and child in China is officially our 'friend.'"The Chinese version of Facebook, launched next week, will feature addictive online games reminiscent of the American version, such as Collective Farmville.Elsewhere, a new study shows that the link between cell phones and cancer is unclear, but the link between cell phones and assholes remains strong.