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Monday, June 21, 2010

ANOTHER STOLEN BOROWITZ REPORT

June 21, 2010
Hawking: Aliens ‘No Longer Interested’ in Invading Earth
Planet Already ‘Pre-destroyed,’ Scientist Says

LONDON (
The Borowitz Report) – Reversing his recent position on the dangers of an extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet is in no such peril anymore because aliens are “no longer interested” in invading Earth.“Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth for the past month in preparation for an invasion, they’ve probably figured out it’s no longer worth the trip,” Dr. Hawking said.Speaking at a conference of the International Society of Eminent Theoretical Physicists, Dr. Hawking added, “Most extraterrestrials would want to come to Earth to destroy it, and let’s face it, this planet has been pretty much pre-destroyed.”Even if aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans against destroying their own planet, Dr. Hawking said, “If they showed up now and took a look around they’d be like, ‘Oops, too late.’”The physicist said that the rocket fuel aliens would have to expend to launch an Earth invasion was significant, “and you don’t spend that kind of money to invade a shithole.”In recognition of his role in deterring an alien invasion, Queen Elizabeth II of England today knighted Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP.In remarks to reporters after the knighting ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Sir Tony said he would be working tirelessly this week to study the impact of the Gulf oil spill on the beaches of the South of France.

6 comments:

Nit Wit said...

I got this in my Email and got a really good laugh out of it.
Sad to say it is most likely true.

Buzzardbilly said...

How is Stephen Hawking still living? My aunt had ALS (Lou Gehrig's Syndrome), and it was slow at first, but Hawking's been unable to speak on his own for years. Michael Zazlow (a soap actor who used to be Roger Thorpe on "The Guiding Light") was diagnose with ALS and lasted maybe three years. Those Brits are holding out on a medical secret here with Hawking. Just sayin.

On the aliens, assuming they think as humans do (which Hawking seems to be doing in this bit), colonization always amounted to wanting the land, the resources, and the people. What's to say they aren't looking at the planet right now going, "Well, now that it's a shithole, they'd all be better off being our slaves"?

-Little Mary Sunshine

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hahahahaha, this is brilliant!

Charlene said...

I predict the actor who played Tony Blair in the movie The Queen will be soon playing Tony Hayward in a movie about BP and their idiot company.

texlahoma said...

BP is one of the main companies that stands to make a lot of money on cap and trade. Wouldn't it be strange if their oil spill helped get that legislation passed?

Aliens might like crude oil in their water, sometimes I think think Hawking is just a dumb-ass but people feel sorry for him and don't want to say anything.

Intense Guy said...

"pre-destroyed" huh?

Only took mankind, what? about 3,000... 5,000 "civilized", "written history", "only intelligent species on the planet" years... in 15 billion years of planetary history.