.......YIPPY KI FUCKING YAY.......

Finally...I'm home..I got here Tuesday about 12:30...drove straight through..no stops..except for the Sheriff who stopped me for speeding ...no ticket..no warning..just wanted to see if he could scare the shit out of me and make my day at the same time..followed me while I was going 85 miles an hour for 40 miles..No thingies on top of the car..thought it was just some asshole following me...nope ...a Sheriff...he said you didn't know I was a Sheriff did you?...said 'fuck no, I was going 85 miles an hour...did I ACT like I knew a Sheriff was following me..?...doh!...Pretty funny now..but not at the time..
I came home to the biggest mess you can imagine..every lamp in the house was on the floor..one broke..shredded paper from living room to dining room...toilet paper from bathroom to the bedroom, under and over the bed..phones were disconnected and in the floor..everything that was on a shelf was on the floor...David said it would be like that every day when he came home and he would clean it up and then next day it would be the same...for the entire time I was gone...Little Asshole is no longer Little...he has really grown..and his eyes are the same color as Regan's in the movie the Exorist...yellow/redish
...spooky as hell...When I came in the door...it was like .."oh shit, the wardens back"....
I have so much to talk about I don't know where to start so going to do a post on each event...this is my home coming..went all over town saying my howdy's..everyone wanted to know where the fuck I had been..so had to tell and retell the story again and again..and started each conversation with "look...I got new choos"...I wear my khaki colored converse with my Baylor t-shirts...great match..and wear my Roxy's with my black t-shirt's...haven't wore the other one yet..they are suede and too hot to wear right now..waiting for just the right occasion to wear the lime green baby Phats...even got a purse to go with them..I look like a lime green peacock....It was sooo good to sleep in my own bed last night..and wake up to the sounds of my bedroom being destroyed by Asshole.
Judas Priest..the little fucker is insane...Jenny came over to get the stuff I had bought for her and she tried to pick him up and he bit her and boxed with her on his hind legs for a few minutes..she said "grandma...he's crazy."...no shit..I bought her and Jamie a Hell Mary's t-shirt...since they were the winners and had a Czech girl on the team...got her a pair of pink skeachers, socks, and a pair of high heel shoes you ladies will die for...4 inch ...black with gold spike heel...and leopard skin across the toes....on sale for $50....and a leopard print purse to match..on sale $10...so proud of my self.She freaked fucking out when she saw them...which was the idea...but they are too big..so going to send them to Shady and have her exchange them..we were both just sick that they didn't fit..and they were her size...just too big..trying to get a hold of Jamie so she can come get her stuff...the leopard shoes and purse were her graduation present..so got Jamie some tennie's, socks, and a sexy little black Cammy top...Jenny thought it was funny that I went to a Roller Derby Championship...I've been going 'HELL MARY'S....HELL YES.'.... but more on them in my next post..cause I am going to do a post on the Championship and one on African Drum Dance Classes...which was fucking amazing...wow!...
While I was gone someone broke into the library and stole the money she keeps there..people rent the little
conference room for showers, parties, etc..and she had about $300 and some one broke the door and came in and stole it..Henrietta says she knows who did it..just can't prove it..I told her about the library in Kingsland and how we could do some of the stuff they do and she said, 'we don't have anyone to man them.'...I said...I will...so I am going to the Library Board Meeting Monday...probably piss everyone off as I am going to let them know that we can't keep going like we have with just Henrietta and no help but me...and while she was gone to Washington...they got a cut off notice for the phone and they cut the service...no one on the board takes care of things like that till it is last minute..then get pissed because they didn't know...Dumb Czechs..Let see..what else..?...Deven 's(the kid who down loaded games onto my computer )
team won the district championship but lost in State..but that was pretty good...We had the rodeo and no one got drunk or fell off their horse during the parade..Our new VFW hall is almost complete..Mary had her toe operated on and Margaret so was glad to see me she nearly squeezed the life out of me when she hugged me...Charlotte the manager tried to give me another wild cat..I said,"Fuck You"...
Did I tell you the reason I have money to spend is Lane's mother had her write me a check for what Bolish's SS check would be...?...$781...so now I can get my new glasses, hopefully get my tooth fixed..and my computer..was going to get a new one..but I'm too cheap...my cable is all fucked up and when I called to complain(had called before I left and they were supposed to have fixed it) she got snippy with me..and I said I didn't think they gave a shit and she said "I will disconnect if you swear again."..So I said "bite me " and hung up...I have to get my jabs in when I can..Bought 2 qrts of paint to redo my desk, dresser and hopefully the new book case I am going to build...
anything else?....hmmm..oh yes...Fuck me till they throw me a parade...I'm so glad to be home..and back with my blogger buddies...sigh*....I missed y'all.

.......TEXAS ROLLER GIRLS.......

I was very anxious to get back to my little hamlet of West, by Goddess, Texas..but then Shady Lane emailed me the activities she had planned for Sunday night....watching the Season championship between the Hell Marys and the Hotrod Honeys...Roller Derby y'all..!.Hell yes.

The opening band will be Sasquatch and the Sick-A-Billys..half time band will be a local group called Those Peabodys..also have a DJ who will be spinning platters and his name is Net WT. so how can I go home and miss that?..If you want to check it out you can go to txrollergirls.com

Eat your heart out Nit Wit..I know this is right up your alley..you and Leo...

Plus Monday night is Shady's African Drum Dance classes and I have to check that out..she has been doing it for about 5 years and is pretty damn good and want to meet all these people that I have been hearing about for so long..Plus I want to see if Shady's friend Vincent who let me use the laptop can help me find one for my own..as I really do love this ole lap top..then figure I can spend a couple of hundred bucks and get my computers working and keep one for me, one for each one of the granddaughters..

Speaking of granddaughters..Jenny called ..she has been given the run around from the people that were supposed to make her graduation announcement cards..first they were 3 weeks late..then they show up and they have wrong address on them..she calls ...calm and cool...they promise to overnight the correct ones to her..she gets them the next morning and they have left off her first name...she went Jackiesue on them...the guy was so sorry, said he would give her a discount and she said "I don't want something for nothing...I don't want a discount..I want to pay for what you promised to do..your job..You do your job, send me my cards and stuff your discount..."..or words to that effect..hahah...I rubbed it in on her about my Baby Phats shoes...she was cracking up..her grannie has Baby Phats...got her and Jamie's shoe size and going to see if they have their size and get them a pair...She was very excited about me coming home..She bought a washer/dryer and a black leather couch and love seat from her cousin who is moving for $500 and on the route in delivery the couches fell from the truck..so she is convinced that her grannie will be able to 'sew them right up'....ah, yes, Grannie'Wonder Woman'...!

I don't know when I will have time to post again till after I get back home sweet home...so I may not be back on till Tuesday night or Wed. am...will post if I can...after the Roller Derby Championship...Have a great weekend...

A LITTLE SHIT GOES A LONG WAY

Trust me on this..it seems like all I have
done the past 3 days is clean up shit..
from 2 bathrooms,clothes,sinks,floors,
sheets,
blankets,etc.
I will spare you the details, but when
I got suspicious about the length of time
it was taking him to go to the bathroom,
I found him cleaning his underwear with Listerine and my toothbrush..Then when I
tried to help him, he got snarky with me
and threw both of my pill containers in
the floor, scattering all my pills everywhere..Then he became docile and
let me lead him to the other bath room
where I cleaned him up and got him in his pajamas..I took him to the kitchen and
fed him some seedless watermelon, gave
him his nighttime meds and said ...it's bedtime..and off he went...Now all I can
hope is there will be no more accidents
between now and Saturday. Shady came down
from Austin and we took Bolish to see
Blanche at the nursing home and left him
to see how that went..We were looking for
those phones that have the big buttons for
old folks..nothing in that town...so I
bought some new socks for my new choos,did I tell you I have new choos??? Plus I thought hell, I will get me some new bras...got three(got home none of them fit...fuck)..Man, I have some big ass tits...what a pain in the ass..
Meanwhile back at the nursing home..(where a lady named Joy followed Lane, me and Bolish right into Blanche's room and stood there staring at us for about 5 minutes)spooky!
Bolish was told that he was going to be moving in with Blanche and he didn't want to..said he was perfectly able to take care of his self..When we tried to explain to him that he couldn't, I reminded him that he had fallen the night before in the shower and took me 30 minutes to get him up off the floor..He said he didn't fall and I basically made it up..When he was told he couldn't' stay alone he pointed his head at me and said..she can do it..And I said, no ..I have a home and I want to go back to it..In his mind he is fine..He can't get dressed by himself, fix food for himself,take his meds by his self or walk far with out falling down..but he thinks that is just a fluke and he'll be fine..and after the fall last night and the accidents that keep happening on a regular basis I know that I can't keep doing this..So he is going in Saturday...after we are done I will go back to Austin and stay for a few days..Lane said in case he wants to leave and go back home..but I am going to have to tell her..I can't do it any more..I know I hurt my back trying to get him up off the floor and then to top it off the stupid fucking yippy Skippy dog decided to run off and had to chase him 3 houses down the street and wouldn't come back with me and had to carry his fat ass back and that REALLY hurt my back...When I passed the neighbors house next door (they came out to see who I was screaming "come back here you little sonofabitch" at...I yelled at Louis and June..get out your Funk and Wagner's (???)I am inventing new cuss words..they thought that was very amusing...fucking dog..
So at the end of the day...I have a sore back, a droopy smile,new socks for my new choos(did I tell you I have new choos?)..3 bras that won't cover my gigantic tits and a(if you will excuse the pun) a shitty out look on life..
well...as Evelyn Waugh said:
We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them...So I hope you were fucking amused...sigh*

\FOUR NEW PAIR OF TENNIE RUNNERS

This is going to be short...Bolish is antsy and need to keep an eye on him..he's napping right now...but have to tell you about my new shoes..

Shady was here yesterday and had on the cutest pair of tennie runners...with the funky little round toes...she said if they have them in your size I will get you a pair...now that was cool..So today she shows up with 4 bags of shoes..4 new pairs of tennie runners...I am posting the pictures..but I have never had 4 new pair of shoes of any kind..I'm a buy one pair at a time kinda person...I didn't know which ones to wear..finally settled on the low top converse in kahki green..but oh my goddess.you should see the baby phat's...they are high tops in lime green lame with gold cat outlined on the sides..A pair of Rocket dogs in jigsaw pattern in tribal brown suede, and a pair of roxy black canvas with red heart on the sides..I got new shoes..I got new shoes....nana nana boo boo..stick your head in doo doo..

Fuckme till I go barefooting...

SOMETHING TO LIVE BY

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

HOO..RAH...NITWIT'S POSTING AGAIN.......

that's it..just that nitwit's posting again..that is more important than cheney's operation,bush's iq,that death sniffing cat, my fat ass and all the other news of the day..it all pales in comparision...nitwit's posting again...

NEW PICTURES OF MOJO

I WANNNNNNA GO HOME.....

Oh....Lord....I wannnnna go home...
(what I am missing)

I am soo lonesome for my life..Jenny graduates from college the 16th of August..My nephew and his wife are supposed to come down for Westfest on Labor Day Weekend..I don't know how many trips the old truck has in her and if I go home Tuesday for 2 days..come back..and then have to drive back for Jenny's graduation and back..then go back again for Westfest and back...my truck is apt to curl up on I-35 and croak..
Plus..this (in George Bush whiny voice)..is hard...it's hard work..fuck..there goes Bolish..be back..
He was wandering around in the front yard..then the stupid yippy dog goes out with him and he doesn't want to come back so I have to chase his dumb ass all over the fucking neighborhood..and then Bolish takes off again..phew...it's hard...hard work..ha..
Last night he had an 'accident'..cleaning up human poop from 2 bathrooms, the carpet, sheets, bed pads,clothes etc. is not my idea of a way to spend an early Sunday morning...I know there is a Johnny Cash song in there someplace..
I know I had told Lane I would do this for 2 months..but this is more difficult then I thought it would be...It's not like you can really carry on a conversation with him, as he doesn't remember anything for more then 30 minutes..so there is a lot of repeating..lots of repeating...there will be the hours of no sound..then he will start talking...which is nothing more then words strung together..and if you don't make the right reply to his conversation..he gets really snippy..which is no big deal but after the 5-6Th time...it gets a little wearing..and if I'm not cleaning up after Bolish..I'm cleaning up after the yippy fucking dog...
Lane is supposed to be taking Blanche(the mother) to Marble Falls to a nursing home this Monday...she can probably get Bolish in too, but wanted to wait and see how she adapted and how he reacted to the thought of him going too..So maybe if I can get her to make some sort of arrangements where I can stay here till right before Jenny's graduation and then just go home..I just feel so guilty that I am not holding up to my end of the deal..fuck...What to do what to do...And I need to just get away by myself for a few hours or I'm going to be in the room next door to Blanche..sigh..*....So you guys tired of listening to me whine and feel sorry for myself yet?..I am getting tired of hearing it my ownself..
Gotta go..would stay longer but a couple of astronauts took a rocket out for a joy ride and are doing loops over head..I heard one exclaim as they drove out of sight:"To the moon Alice...to the moon."

.......CHENEY TO HAVE SURGERY.......

Washington...Vice President Dick Cheney will undergo minor surgery this morning to replace teh battery that powers a device implanted in his chest six years ago to monitor his heart and deliver a shock if it ever goes out of rhythm.The surgery will be performed at George Washington University Hospital.

To insure the continuance of power at the White House, Cheney will transfer presidential power over to Bush while he is under going the operation.As soon as he is conscious again, Bush will transfer the power back over to the Dick.

CAT SENSE:THIS KITTY IS DEAD ON

Providence, R.I. Death walks silently among us,invisible except in the cat's eye.

The cat would be Oscar.He seems to know when people are about to die..

I know you all have read about the cat Oscar that can sense when someone is going to die and he will go jump on their bed and lay with them the last 2 or 3 hours of their life...What they don't tell you is that ole Oscar has caused a few deaths on his own...There is the case of George Blyth who had laid down on his bed to take a nap and when he woke up and found Oscar laying down on the bed with him, jumped up and ran screaming "I'm not ready to go..I don't wanna die"...into the streets where he was struck by a car and killed instantly.There is also the case of Mildred Withers who was in her wheel chair at the dining room table and when Oscar jumped up on her lap she gasped...clutched at her heart and fell over dead in her mashed potatoes..Then there was Sam and Jessica Myers who were having a nooner, when Oscar jumped up on the bed...Jessica had an orgasm so strong she suffered a stroke and Sam still can't get it up...yeah.....they don't tell THOSE stories about ole Oscar.

update on Oscar....

Oscar died today at the rest home where he had been living the past few years..He was in his bed and funny enough he was surrounded by several patients ...the vet said he thinks he died a natural death..but then he could have been smothered to death from all the old people sleeping on his bed..

yup..another one..just for me..

.......I'M FAT.......AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.......

Gaining weight? Your friends may be to blame, study finds..

Risk of becoming obese grows if pals pack on pounds, researchers say...

Your friends may be more important than your genes in determining whether you gain weight.

A new study, which follwed a large group of Americans for more than three decades,was the first to demonstrate tht obesity-and perhaps other health problems tht involve behavior or lifestyle-spreads through social networks.

The study, published in today's New England Journal of Medicine, found that a person's chances of becoming obese went up 57 percent if a friend became obese, 40 percent if a sibling did and 37 percent if a spouse did.

The stronger the friendship, the tighter the link:when two people each name the other as a close friend, and one of the two becomes obese, the other's chance of following suit goes up to 171 percent.

SO IT'S ALL YOU GUYS FAULT I'M A FATTY..(and you can use me for a reason why you have gained weight also)...don't want to hear from my skinny friends out there..we are not including you..I'm just looking for someone to blame..and now I have found them....y'all are why I am fat..shame on you....

.......GLOBAL WARMING.......

Brazil flights canceled amid safety concerns...

Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Citing safety concerns over heavy rain and a short runway, TAM airlines canceled or diverted about 90 flights Tuesday at Sao Paulo's main airport, where one of the carrier's planes crashed in the rain last week, killing 199 people. Authorities periodically closed the airport to all traffic during the rain Tuesday, causing a ripple effect, as more than half of all flights in Brazil were delayed or canceled for the straight day.

Britons cleaning up after worse floods in decades..

Buscot, England..Gasoline-powered pumps roared into action Tuesday as stunned Britons tried to dry out their houses after the worst flooding in more than half a century. Although sunshine helped shrink water levels Tuesday, more rain was expected in the next few days. Forecasters, however, said additional flooding wasn't expected. The heaviest flooding was in the Gloucestershire region, where some 350,000 people remained without drinking water.

Heat wave sweeps south Europe, killing 35..

Bucharest, Romania..Southern Europe sizzled under a heat wave Tuesday, with temperatures hitting triple digits for a seventh day in Romania, blazes forcing the evacuation of tourists in Croatia and Italy, and wildfires in Macedonia and Greece exploding shells from long-ago wars.At least 35 heat-related deaths were reported. At least 27 people have died since last week in Romania,where heavy use of air conditioning caused power outages..

WASHINGTON D.C....GEORGE W. BUSH STILL SAYS:

'WHAT GLOBAL WARMING?'

KINGSLAND, TEXAS...Jackiesue Denney said:(while standing knee deep in flood water)

"Fuck you George W. Bush.."

.......OM THE HILL COUNTRY.......

Not much excitement, although Bolish and I did get haircuts...I again look like a little short fat dyke...Bolish looks pretty dapper...the guy who cut our hair is an American Indian and at first when I saw him wielding his scissors with reckless abandon, I though.."Oh, fuck!..he's going to scalp us."But he really did a good job..and only $22 for both of us..I tipped him $7.00...all I had 'cept for a $20...The guy asked Bolish if he wanted his eyebrows trimmed(he looks like an owl)and he said "Hell no, I'm not a woman."...Everyone seems to think that me and ole Bolish are a pair..it tickles Bolish and so to make him feel even better I tell everyone he's my sugar daddy.....he cracks up...
We went to the library today..and a nice little library it is...they have a chick flick night once a month...they show a movie with popcorn and tell everyone to bring pillows, blankets etc and plenty of Kleenex...this month they are playing Casablanca ...every Saturday they have kiddie films from 10:30am to noon..same deal..what a great idea..(the only movie theater is in Marble Falls about 15 miles away)
I couldn't get a card as I don't have anything with my name on it with the address, so Lane is going to mail me a blank envelope so I can get a card..but they allowed me to check out paperbacks..which I thought was a cool thing...
Bolish and Blake have the nicest neighbors..the couple next door are great about coming over and sitting with Bolish while I run to the store..although mostly I like to take him with me as he enjoys it so much..even took that yippy fucking dog Skipper too...The couple that are catty corner across the street are really nice people with two beautiful shelty type dogs..Diane and Jack are republicans but are saved from being lumped into the pile of republican assholes by declaring they think Bush has his head up his ass too...They have been so much help since I have been here..I baked a peach pie yesterday and took 2 big pieces of pie to them each as a thank you...Didn't have a recipe as I was using splenda..so just sort of made it up as I went along...I think it turned out OK...I ate a small piece and it was a tad tart for me, but really, it tasted pretty good..
If they still have Bing cherries on sale, think I will make a cherry pie...I LOVE homemade cherry pie..cherry's are my favorite fruit..
We have had sooo much rain all over Texas..3/4 of Texas is under water...I swear if I see one locust or a frog drops out of the sky,I'm running for the hills and taking up the old time religion..Well, the yippy fucking dog is yipping and have to get up and let him in...Hope all is well in your world...it's wet here..
fuckme till I'm wrinkled as a prune..

.......PROBING BUSH'S ASS.......

Washington D.C....

Operation on the President's ass is a complete failure..after repeated attempts...the Dr.'s were unsuccessful at removing Mr. Bush's head from his ass.."We tried every procedure we could think of ..but his head was jammed in there for so long and so far up his anal canal, that we couldn't remove it...We're sure that it is a permanent condition..probably happened at birth." said Dr.Ima Trying,"There is nothing we could do, to rectify it,if you'll pardon the pun."

I'm sorry..sometimes I do these fuckers for me and me alone..

.......ANSWERS HERE!.......

As the Yellow Dog would say...what a bunch of fucking lightweights..is that the best you can do?...Where are the tough questions? Doesn't anyone want to know the meaning of life, if there is life on other planets,if there is a life after death?....jeeze..you guys suck! If you can't come up with anything better then this..I am going to limit my visits to nothing but asskickings..

Cyberoutlaw: Your prize for being first? You get to sit right next to Odin at the beer table in Valhalla...which is not necessary a good thing..he likes to talk about all the women he's fucked and gets pretty boring really fast.If you would move from New York where should you go?..That's an easy one..Yellow dog and I both think there is no place better then West,Texas..Your centrally located..120 miles to Austin and less then 90 miles from Dallas..Plus, it's still 1957 in West, so they have that going for them too.

Nitwit:I think you have no chance of every being a tanned hard body like the people that live in Florida..but then why any one would like to look like a piece of tanned leather..is beyond me..

Yellow dog:You have a seat between Nitwit and Leo in Valhalla..already reserved for the 3 of you..Sooner and Babs are right across from us..

BBC:yeah, yeah...but what's the question?

Kath:never and nope.

Tex:That's my fault..about the early tomatoes..I forgot to factor in all the rain...The Yellow

Dogs were small but juicy...

OK humans..until you can come up with some better questions..I'm off to Iraq..Thanks to Bush there are an ever ending supply of young warriors to take to Valhalla..Pray for peace...Jesus, Buddha, Allah and I are listening.

.......ASK THE GODDESS.......

Blessings on you my children...Since the Yellow Dog is off doing early karma I thought I would drop by and bestow some Goddess wisdom on you..I know life has not been what some of you have wished for..but seriously humans...you all can't win the lottery..

.......COPACETIC AND WICKED.......

Those are Bolish's two favorite words....I'll ask him how things are going he'll say 'it's

copacetic'..and if I ask him if if he liked dinner or what ever I fixed him to eat, he'll say it was 'wicked'...He's an 87 year old New Jersey Pollock..who has been in Texas for the past 20 years or so and hasn't acclimated yet..But then Shady Lane still sounds like she just got off the bus from New York and she's been here for over 30 years.

Yesterday I took him for a ride..we went to Marble Falls which was under water a few weeks back from all the rain they had..it's a federal disaster area..But man..is it ever pretty..every thing is so green..there are lakes every where..and full to the brim...It's about 15 miles from here..and on the way back I noticed an old Chrysler that had been redone..so turned around and stopped..It was a restoration place..they had Corvette's, Mustangs, Chevy Impala's, Studebaker's,Model T's, Model A's,and they were beautiful..Bolish said they were wicked.He really enjoyed that.Today I took him to H.E.B. which is a Texas super market and let him drive the buggy..which meant I got to chase after him up and down the aisles..We were both laughing like crazy..Then I took him to Dairy Queen and he got one of those chocolate dipped round boat cones,filled with ice cream, strawberries and drenched with melted chocolate..Oh My Goddess..he was in hog heaven.

He had it smeared all over his hands, face and was making ummmmm ummmm noises..was terrific...He couldn't finish it all so we brought it home and he had it after dinner so he was really happy with that ..I made BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes,gravy, corn on the cob and biscuits..I had fucking salad...My blood sugar is higher then a kite..don't know why..but think maybe it's stress...can stress make your blood sugar go up?...Nitwit?..

Anyhow...tomorrow we are going to go get haircuts..We are both a little shaggy..Saturday we are going to the $ store to get a new flag as his American flag is starting to look pretty ratty..does anyone know how to properly dispose of a flag?
Lane's mom is going into a rest home end of next week...I am going to take Bolish to Austin to Lane for a few days, then go to West and get Annie and Little Asshole..I miss them..plus this looks like it is going to be more than a 2 week job..I told Lane I will stay 2 months...by then I am afraid he will probably have to go into a Alzheimer's place because every day he gets a little bit worse.It is so sad..he will wake up 4-5 times a night and just roams the house..Searching and digging through drawers, closets etc..This morning he said.."I don't know if I'm coming or going"....The evenings are worse ...they call it sun downing ...but I call it the fuzzies..Lane is starting to show some wear and tear from this..I can't imagine how hard this must be for her..so it makes me feel good to know that I can help...and hell, it's not like I have a job or things that have to be done..other then the pussies and the library...what's to do...? The granddaughters have their own life with school and their jobs and their friends .. It's not like I get to see them every week or so..

Hope the library doesn't close while I'm gone.

So I will go home pack up the cats..pay off my bills and then head on back to Austin, pick up Bolish and then settle in for 2 months..Least I have the laptop...There is no way I could do this without you guys...but with the computer and my blogger family..everything is copacetic.

TEE SHIRT PHILOSOPHY

(around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
If They Don't Have Chocolate in Heaven, I Ain't Going
At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All
My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
I Just Do What the Voices inside My Head Tell Me to Do
If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Discount
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience with Princes, Seeks Frog
No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
(on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
I Used to Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
(on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal Arts Major...Will Think for Money
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

excuse smallprint..didn't know how to enlarge it..

BROUGHT TO YOU BY FRICK AND FRACK

Holy shit!...Where to begin?...Holy shit!...Made good time to Austin...got lost once but then after I got back on track I found my way to Shady and Brewster's house with no problem..and believe me...they live right next door to way the fuck out there..They live right on Lake Austin and one of there docks is almost under water..I spent the night and we had a great visit..I am crazy about those two people..and Brewster is like a big over grown kid..He lost part of his leg racing boats when he was way young..mid 20's I think..and he and Lane own a boat show and also make custom boats..if you want one...He ski's, races go-carts,fly's those motor ran airplanes, and helicopters..nothing stops him from doing what he wants..and Lane is all for it..says it's cheaper then him going out drinking and whoring...Lane's dad Bolish is 'polock'..that's what she calls him...he's a sweety..I will have no problem with him..We are back at his home in Kingsland and it's a ugly little town(bigger than West) but the people are so nice and friendly..but then...this is Texas..and we do friendly well..I have been trying for the entire day to get on line...Brewster's 'little friend'(as Lane refers to him)Vincent put me together a compaq,intel pentium with windows vista ...it's fucking fantastic...Lane and I were like Laurel and Hardy or Frick and Frack trying to get on line..we bought a double jack..still didn't work,bought a plug converter, still wouldn't work...finally Vincent called and walked me through getting on line..new dial up number ...had to talk to some schmuck in Indian named John to get my sign in name and password..well..duh! I can't remember either one of them..so remembered my sign in name and they gave me a new password..but couldn't remember the ips or ipq or what ever the fuck that thing is...I thought it was AT&T.net..he wouldn't sign me in till I remembered..said look John...I know my address, my phone number, my ss number and I have a tattoo on my left titty...give me some slack..what is it?...Finally he gave me a choice and when he said sbcglobal I remembered...what a mess..so anyhow..I'm hooked up and happy as a hog in slop...Rob is standing over me watching me type...he said I type good...ha..
I went with Rob and his dog Skippy (who is a little neurotic yippy terrier)on a walk and one of his neighbor ladies came out to welcome him back..and I introduced myself and she clasped my hand in both of hers..smiled really big and said :"Are you a christian?".....My first initial thought was...you nosy bitch...what the fuck?...You all know that if you don't want to know...don't ask(about anything)..if you ask..you're going to get the truth...so I said:"No, I'm not...I'm a pagan."..she actually clutched both her hands to her heart and gasped...and her big ass smile sorta slipped some...she said:"You don't believe in Jesus ?...your not a christian?"I said:"I believe that Jesus was a prophet and a really nice guy but I believe in a Goddess."...and it was one of those beautiful day with clouds the size of sailing ships and she pointed at the sky and said look at the Lord's work?" and I said:"And the Goddess is most pleased."...and she grabbed my hands again and started in on about giving myself over to Jesus..and I pulled my hands away and said:"Look, you asked me if I was a christian, and I said I wasn't..and I would never have asked you such a question because it's none of my business, but you asked me and I told you..and now your trying to sell me Jesus..I wouldn't try to change your views on Christianity and I resent you trying to change mine."..she said:"Oh, I'm not trying to do that(yeah,.....right)...and I said:"Well then..the subject's closed."....and Rob and I continued on our walk...fuck...who the hell greets a total stranger with "are you a christian?"...I was telling Brewster about it when he called and he laughed his ass off...said sounds like the OK corral..ha..
I am having fun here..Rob and I are going to get along fine..I get to cook for someone and 'mother someone'...and he gets to have someone take care of him...so it will work out...I don't know how long I will be here..when she doesn't need me any more...then I will go home..but I like being able to help her and Brewster..
Now that I am hooked up..I will stop by and say howdy..but right now...I am set up in a very uncomfortable place and getting cramps in shoulders and neck from typing this..so catch y'all later...

FIDDLE FUCK!...AIN'T LIFE GRAND

I ended up with an extra $100 this month..my loan payment doesn't start till July 30 and thought it started June 30Th...cool beans...so went and bought me a new phone..with an answering machine..if I am going to be gone in Austin, want family/friends to be able to leave me a message..I did figure out that when I got cable they sold my information to those fucking survey people..as I get about 2 a night now..just give the stock answer about 2 things they don't want...a sexual transmitted disease and my opinion on anything..I am enjoying that very much..and they 'assure me' that they are not selling anything..dickwads!

Good news...Mojo called...we had been slipping e-mails to each other..and then she called me last night..was a sweet wonderful phone call...she really enjoyed her time in Europe, loved Ireland and Amsterdam..She got rid of the boyfriend...hoo-rah!.

I will be leaving Sunday afternoon for Austin..was going to leave Saturday, but they are having the services for Lady Bird Johnson there and the town will be packed and traffic in Austin is bad on a normal day..so can't imagine what it will be like with all the mourners.She was a wonderful lady and did Texas proud..I don't look at the flowers on the roadside with out thing of her...I bet Ann Richards and Molly Ivins are giving her a welcome to Heaven party as we speak...This was a lady who liked her Lone Star Beer..so I hope they have plenty iced down for her.

I had a good day at the used shit store..I bought curtains and a brand new black iron curtain rod for a total of $5.00..Also got 2 big fat black ceramic bowls for .50cents..and a glass heart shaped bowl for a water dish for the cats..for .25cents..got some Hawaiian shirts to goof around in for $1.00 a piece..one is orange and white..I love it.

The only thing between me and my trip to Austin is getting someone to watch the cats..Jenny is working full time and going to school full time and by the time she gets off work it's 11pm..don't want her driving from Waco to West that late at night all tired and done in...and Jamie works such weird hours..going to try and get David and his daughter Jessica to switch off staying here..Loaded up the refer with pizza's, TV dinners, lunch meats, etc. as I know David doesn't like to cook and Jessica is pooped from working..so will make it easier...This will probably be the last post till I get settled in Austin..unless there is something good in paper tomorrow that warranties a post...so..have a great weekend...

I almost forgot the best news..My nephew sent me an original painting ..it's a mermaid shooting up out of the ocean..it's done in shades of blues and greens and it is just beautiful..on the back of the canvas he wrote..'tastes like chicken'....will take some pictures so you all can see it...

.......SHADY LANE.......

Things are a popping now..I got 3 emails from Shady Lane in Austin..her mom who is 82 fell and is going to be in rehab for her fall and her dad who is 87 is in the early stages of dementia..So I volunteered to drive down and help out..Lane and her husband have a boat shop business to run and her folks live in Kingsland which is a ways from Austin, and she can't leave him alone at her house or at Kingsland and can't leave the shop to do much more than what she is already doing for her Mom..So I will probably go down Sunday or Monday and meet with her..then drive her Dad to Kingsland and take care of them for 2 weeks or so while she tries to get him into a retirement center..either there by Kingsland or by Austin..then when her mom gets out she can join him....Lane is freaking out...but not to fear...Jackie's here..ha..so her friend is supposed to fix me up with a lap top so I won't lose touch with my blogger family..but in case you don't hear from me right away after the 16Th..don't panic..I will try and keep in touch..I have to get one of the granddaughters to come and stay at the apt and cat sit..they will be fine while they are in school during the day, but need to have some one here often enough to feed, water and clean the liter box.will leave them some money so they can buy food as I know they won't cook...I may get them to switch off as I know it will be easier for them..hope the cats don't get them too much of a problem..
I was supposed to go to the library and work for Henrietta when she goes on her vacation to Washington..I had just told her the day before that I would..but now I won't be able to..what a mess...gee ...for someone that doesn't have a life..now all of a sudden I have something to do..I hope this won't be my last post for awhile..I will try and post again before I leave..

.......8:22AM...PHONE RINGS .......

Brrrrrrrring!.....

Jackie:mumthphfuk...

Brrrrrring!.....sounds that only a fat ass can make hitting short napped carpet...

Jackie:sonofamotherfuckingbitch...

Brrrring!...

Jackie:Judasfuckingpriest..wait a minute..I'm coming,I'm coming..

What?....

Caller:Good-morning..this is mumblemumbe Aflmumblemumble from the "We just woke you up at 8:22Am to fuck with you and ask you a bunch of dumb ass questions...may I talk to the man of the house?..

Jackie:There are no men in the house but my lesbian wife Chenequa,our two pit bull dogs,Sadie, Mable and our canary, Princess Moa, will be glad to answer any questions you have to ask as long as you don't require balls..Now what was it you wanted?....

long silence...sound of phone being hung up...

Jackie:hee, heee...pretty fucking fast on my feet for being dead asleep and just woke up huh Annie?..What do you say to some oatmeal you little Asshole?....

.......TEXANS...YA GOTTA LOVE US.......

Just about the time you're ready to wash your hands of us Texans..one will speak that reminds you of why ...ya'gotta love us.

"After 20-odd years as a field-working folklorist, it is my professional opinion that there cannot be many a Bigfoot between the Sabine and the Neches, simply because 'My relatives would've eaten or married them a long time ago."...Rhett Rushing, UT-San Antonio researcher, on the prospect of Lone Star Sasquatches.(Dallas Morning News..July1st)(yefuckinghaw)

JENNY, JAMIE AND THE LITTLE ASSHOLE

The 4Th of July was a good day...I asked the girls to come over for a BBQ....they came..It was fun and I enjoyed it so much..I had BBQ chicken,potato salad, deviled eggs,Bush's BBQ beans(damn they're good)and garlic bread.(which

I didn't burn).I had bought a bag of chips too, but forgot to put it out..Made ice tea, and had cherry vanilla Dr.Pepper..meant to get regular DP but got the wrong one..but ended up being a good thing as Jamie loves cvdp..good on me..

They were 'starving' and we had a nice dinner..Well, it would have been nice if Little Asshole hadn't tried to climb up in their plates..I bought out the spritzer and they cracked up laughing..all he had to do is see it and he took off running down the hall way..They thought he was so cute..but they found out really fast why he is called Little Asshole.(Jamie used to have a cat named Twat..so bad names for animals runs in the family)It was a steady stream of 'oh, he's so cute..damn, he bit me.'...'how pretty he is grandma...ouch..he scratched the inside of my mouth.'...To make it even better, his beautiful blue eyes have turned a yellow green...so he truly is a green-eyed monster...

I finally got all the pictures into albums and they went through them to pick out ones they wanted copies of..Jenny is putting together a assortment of pictures of Jason's grandpa and my Daddy..who is her great grandpa..I kept trying to get her to take pictures of me and Daddy or Daddy and the boys and me...she said.."NO, I just want your Daddy."..which had me muttering 'bitch' a lot..we were giggling and insulting each other..They were a little surprised at one picture of me where I weighed no more than 85 lbs, I was about 18 years old..you could actually see my hip bones poking through my slacks..hurmph..those days are long gone..I don't know about them..but I had a great day...I know they were full and left laughing..They were going to go watch fireworks.

I got to hear them up close and personal as some nut job in the apts, next to us were shooting off firecrackers all night long...scared the crap out of the cats..well, nothing scares Little Asshole but did send him under the bed a couple of times..

We are still getting rain..we're pushing 40 inches of rain...some places in Texas have had over 44 straight days of rain..some one put a call in to Noah..I keep singing that song by Johnny Cash..."How highs the water Daddy...?...

6 feet high and rising."..All this rain has brought out the mosquito's, and allergies which is pissing me off..between the itching of bites and sneezing..I'm not a happy camper...One good thing is the smog is better..not that we have a lot in West, but Dallas does..so that's a plus..Something that was pretty scary was a article about the rain.A half inch of rain is now 9 inches in terms of impact on a community.

Casualties:12 dead, five missing.

Counties declared federal disaster areas:6

homes destroyed in 6 counties assessed:1,000

National guard deployed:260(the rest are on the borders.America and Iraq.)

Last time all river basins were at flood stage:1957(we have 13 rivers ..all are flooded)

counties heavily impacted by flooding:49,covering 48,440 square miles and 6 million residents.

Good Hair Perry has issued state disaster declarations for 44 counties...

( I think Sooner and Tex just floated by..)Oklahoma is getting the same kind of weather we are getting..so we pissed off the same weather Goddess..Welp...that's all the Jackiesue news for now...

Fuckme till I float..

NOW FOR THE REALLY GOOD NEWS

Forget the crazy bastid in the White house and his merry band of assholes...forget the rain, the drought,the tornado's,the hurricanes, the outrageous price of gas..Don't worry about high cholesterol,being over weight,or if Paris Hilton's beaver is going to make an appearance the next time she crawls out of a limo...forget all that shit...all you have to remember is:

"A SMALL GERMAN STUDY SHOWS DARK CHOCOLATE LOWERS BLOOD PRESSURE,AND IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH.AN AMOUNT LESS THAN TWO HERSHEY'S KISSES CAN DO THE TRICK."

ahhhhhh....thank you Goddess...