Friday, January 06, 2006
SLEEP.....................AH TO SLEEP
At exactly 12:15am..I went to sleep...and slept..and slept...and slept...slept till 9:30am..I did get up during night to go pee but went right back to sleep..But my back is killing me...not used to being in bed for that length of time and feel like I have been on a bed of nails...Need a new mattress so bad..But, fuckit I slept so good..was a little groggy when I got up and when mojo called all giggly about today being the day they move into new apt. she asked if I was ok...said just groggy from sleeping pill..where she automatically paniced...(oh, god, mom's on pills again.) told her I only had 7 and if I continued to feel so groggy I wouldn't take any more..Will try it one more night...but the sleep was sooo good...don't know if my back can take that much bed time though...MY back has suffered thru 4(or5 cant remember) operations..last one they put in a cage...or is called 360..where they go thru the front and the back and build a cage around the spine that is injured..except my spine is so riddled with spurs and so brittle that the screws would not hold and they ran out of bone from bone bank(yes I have a bone bank).so they sort of just gave up as I had been in operating room for over 7 hours..all these surgeries come from years of working in lumber companies, paint stores,book stores, etc.. always so intent in being as strong as the guys, so I always lifted more and carried it farther...one time i actually was carring so many bags of texture that one of the guys asked me to quit that i was forcing them to carry more than me and it was killing them...pussies...
so after all those years of lifting and carrying i thought i would be safe in a book store...yeah right....one night at closing I was putting books back on the shelves that peple had pulled out read thru and didnt put back where they belonged...book went on the top shelf of a 6 ft. book shelf...so as iam short I stood on bottom shelf and reached up to book on top shelf....i acually heard the "pop" sound...felt this pull and burn in the back of my left thigh...that was all everything was fine...went home...got up next am and went to get out of bed and fell flat on my face..pain was horrible..couldnt put weight on it at all...but we were in process of opening the new hastings store and as I was book dept manager had to be there and supervise, etc...i worked for 3 days in so much pain i cried..( i dont cry at pain)finally they let me off to go to dr. and never been back to work..except for a few days...when i stood on my tip toes my spine arched and when i relaxed..my spine snapped back down on my nerve....where it remained pinched for almost 7 years(they never could figure out what was wrong .till the last dr. )so now my nerve is so damaged that i fall alot(not fun..but intertaining)cant feel anything in right foot and leg up to my mid calf..sometimes my right food hurts so bad from within that it feels like its in a vice...I have leg cramps so bad I have ohhhh...ohhh..ohhhh.....ah fuck that hurts..on tape..so I dont have to say it any more.
It is also the reason I can't work...although i would give my little left tit to get a job that I could do for about 4 hours a day..as that is all my ole back and legs can handle...but when you go on job interview and tell them yes i want the job but since my back and legs are so fucked up..i can only work 4 hours a day...well, it tends to make them holler...Next....
I think the thing that makes it worse for me..is the social security that I receive is survivors benefits..To me it is pretty hard to swallow to get money for shooting your husband...but there is a little irony there too.
speaking of which..going to go spend some of jack's money on a dublin dr.pepper..all this whining about my back and all has made me realize I haven't had my dubin Dr.Pepper this month...so adios ya'll.....may the goddess bless you..