EVEN SOONER COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP

I read the Some days paper or watch the news and I think:"what the fuck?"........today is one of those days...
these are 3 short little articles that I found in my favorite paper the Dallas Morning News..
POLICE:TEENS STOLE BABY JESUS STATUES.
Sayreville, N.J.----Four teens stole 27 baby Jesus statues from Nativity scenes outside churches and homes and planned to burn them, police said.Two of the suspects, who ranged from 15 to 19 years old, said they acted out of boredom, authorities said."They were looking for things to do," Detective Ken Kelly said. "They told us,"We were going to have a baby Jesus burning party.'" One suspect told detectives, "We just wanted to see their heads burning," Detective Kelly said. The suspects, who were arrested Monday, face charges of theft, criminal mischief, destruction of venerated objects and conspiracy, and could face up to five years in prison if convicted.

oh please Goddess, let me be the judge, please, pretty please...because I would sentenece them to community service that would rock their world..I would have them work in childrens burn wards in local hospitals, hospices for aids victims, soup kitchens in the worse parts of towns and make them do it for 5 fucking years...bet they will never be bored again.

then there is this one:
Ex-Judge to stand trial in indecent exposure case.
Bristow, Oklahoma...Former Judge Donald Thompson was ordered to stand trial on indecent exposure charges Tuesday after his former court clerk testified that he often masturbated while sitting at the bench during trials.Mr. Thompson , 59, who resigned in August 2004, faces arraignment Jan. 26.

My first thought is how long did the clerk know about this activity and why didn't he speak up sooner.? Now please, let me be his judge too...I would sentence him to 1 year of neutering all those pit bulls they want fixed in Oklahoma...After chopping off doggie nuts all day long for 365 days...I bet he will never get a hard on again...try and jackoff with that little image in your head Judge Donald....

I am not sure I believe this one:

ALL THAT TRAINING PAID OFF:
MAN SAY CAT MADE 911 CALL.
Columbus, Ohio...A man who fell out of his wheelchair say his cat apparently called 911 for help.
Police received a 911 call from Bary Tosheisen's apartment Thurdsay, but there was no one on the line.When they called back and got no answer, they decided to check things out.
In the apartment, they found Tommy the cat lying by a telephone on the living room floor.
"I know it sounds kind of weird," Officer Patrick Daugherty said.
Mr. Rosheisen was unable to get up because of pain from osteoporosis and ministrokes that disrupt his balance. He also wasn't wearing his medical-alert necklace and couldn't reach a cord above his pillow that alerts paramedics that he needs help.
Mr. Rosheisen said he got the cat three years ago and tried to train him to call 911, unsure whether the training ever stuck.
The phone in the living room is always on the floor and includes a speed dial for 911.

Maybe I am a cynic...but even coming from Texas where the tales get pretty fucking tall, I find this tale a tad hard to believe..I can't even teach my cat to open the door by himself when all he has to do is push and pull...and he knows how......he just won't do it as long as I get up and do it for him...
fuck me till I purr.